At the latest Sotheby’s Fine Art Auction, the estate of Norman Rockwell purchased the taxidermied Snoopy (dog) and Trigger (horse). The two beloved figures will be arranged in attractive poses on Mr. Rockwell’s grave, per instructions contained in his will.
Norman Rockwell’s attempted forgery of the Shroud of Turin was revealed because the fabric was not ancient Israeli but a U.S. Flag.
While Joseph Barbera was on vacation in 1965, his partner, William Hanna, had the idea to make Norman Rockwell a Flintstones character, as they had done with Tony Curtis and Ann-Margret. They had a script, the character model finished and Rockwell was on his way to the studio to record his lines when Barbera returned from Turin. The resulting fistfight led to the cancellation of The Flintstones the next year.
The Light Fleece Jacket of Turin has been proven to be a forgery as there were no zippers in biblical times. The resulting fistfight led to the cancellation of I’ve Got a Relic.
I’ve Got a Relic, the Memoirs of an Aging Porn Star by Buck Happypockets was never on the New York Times Best Seller List, but did sell out in Westphalia, Indiana when the Merry Maidens Quilting Society decided to visit the town’s small bookstore after their monthly luncheon.
“Happypockets” was yet another “Teletubbies” clone; the difference this time being the characters had many pockets in their costumes which held all sorts of goodies. It was cancelled due to parent complaints of the characters seemingly playing “pocket pool.”
The character of Happypockets was, coincidentally, played by the same actor who originally played Mr. McFeely, Frankie J. Phartuccio, Jr.
The character of Mr. McFeely was named after Fred Rogers’ “Uncle” Tommy who would come to the house when Fred’s parents were at work and play “postman” with Fred. The game required Fred to ‘mail’ his clothing, which would become ‘lost’. Tommy would then accuse Fred of mail fraud and search him to try to find it. It was all very sordid.
Up in Heaven, Charles Schultz, Norman Rockwell and Fred Rogers have called for special orders of lightning to strike an irreverent group of humans who have started a smear campaign to besmirch their angelic and here-to-fore UNBLEMISHED reputations. God told them He planned to wait to see who else might be affected before taking any action. Meanwhile, in other news, pictures from the Cloud have emerged of Mother Teresa sunbathing nude in the French Riviera.
In the words of both Charles Shultz and Fred Rogers: “Mama T had a nice rack.”
Of course, Mama T’s nice rack referred to her spice rack, which was always filled with 420 four ounce bottles of a specific “herb”, used strictly for medicinal purposes, of course.
The Vatican has officially banned only three spices as producing evil thoughts or feelings: lesser galangal, mastic and tarragon.
The spice galangal (pronounced gal-on-gal) has been used for decades by men wishing to live out their porn fantasies. The false claims surrounding the spice came to light following the hospitalization of Mamie Eisenhower and her best friend Mimi Crankowitz, who had been given an overdose of galangal in a birthday cake baked by Mamie’s husband, President Dwight Eisenhower. The President admitted he found both women “hot” and just wanted to see the gals enjoy themselves.
Galangal’s chemical name Ikohendresis paracletae, is the source of Eisenhower’s nickname, and his slogan “I Like Ike”.
The USS Eisenhower is the world’s only completely solar powered aircraft carrier. While it is an admitted challenge keeping the ship in sunny weather, the savings in fuel costs to taxpayers over its lifetime are estimated to be more than seventy trillion dollars.
Dwight David Eisenhower was born Bruce Willis. He changed his name when he turned 18, as he thought “Willis” sounded too ethnic, and that “Bruce” sounded like the name of some dorky office twit.
Scots leader Robert the Bruce was the grandson of Glasgow rabbi Hamish the Flatulent and Edinburgh actor Lachlan the Passive Aggressive.
Services at the First Reformed Synagogue of Glasgow are led by Rabbi Hamish McPhartuccio, known for his colorful limericks.
Glasgow was not only home to Robert the Bruce, but also to the less famous but equally important Fred the Charles, Albert the Jonathan, and Sarah the Cindy.
The “Cindy Gets Her Period” episode of THE BRADY BUNCH was the first time the words tampon, menarche, uterine, and Bildungsroman were ever used on network television. All were said by Peter in a musical number entitled “When It’s Time to Bleed”.