Lincoln did not actually die from the gunshot wound to his head, but rather was surreptitiously killed by an attending physician, a superstitious fundamentalist who fear that if Lincoln lived he would become the Beast foretold in Revelations.
Lincoln was shot during the laugh following the line “I know enough to turn you inside out, you sockdologizing old man trap!” The line loses much of its humor today, but was largely funny because Urethrus Bean was chasing a 300 pound naked Irish woman and slapping her backside with a halibut at the time.
The Sockdologizers were a 1960’s American band who formed in the lead guitarist’s family garage after watching the Beatles appear on The Ed Sullivan Show. They didn’t have a love of music, they just want to bop the screaming teenage girls.
Sockdologizing is still illegal in six U.S. states and Botswana, as Vice President Spiro Agnew learned to his lasting regret during a March 1972 junket to the African country.
Sockdology is taught in most universities, as part of a liberal arts degree program. Sockdolosis is covered in the DSM-IV.1, which describes the symptoms as “trembling, twitching, with an overwhelming tendency to squirrel buggery.”
Squirrel buggering with a condom is called “Bootdology”.
Bugging a squirrel with a condom on your head is called Idiology.
Bugging a squirrel is a lot different from buggering a squirrel, as HRH the Duke of Edinburgh could tell you, if you know what I mean.
BuggERing a squirrel would be called Squickiology, and has a completely different set of rules and protocols. These were co-written by HRH the Duke of Edinburgh and “Muffy”, and can be found online at nutsforyou.org.
Scientology tried to get the web address “wearenutsforyou.org,” but Planter’s Peanuts sued.
Ron L. Hubbard, the father of L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of Scientology, made his vast fortune creating tinfoil hats to prevent aliens from reading our minds.
The one alien that did read Ron L. Hubbard’s mind left earth with a warning to the entire galaxy never to interact with earthlings again. The direct quote was “Dudes be whacked and bitches be crazy.”
Dudes Be Whacked and Bitches Be Crazy was a hit song for rapper “Big P” Phartuccio.
“Big P” Phartuccio’s real name was Phartuccio Ichabod Pumpkins. He tried to break into music with his main squeeze in an act called Glad Is Knight and the PIP, but the act failed miserably.
Gladys Knight is actually one of Oprah Winfrey’s many, many personalities–none of which are aware of the other.
Eddie Murphy always included an impression of one of Oprah’s personalities when he appeared on Saturday Night Live.
Eddie Murphy’s name, spelled backwards, is Zeppo.
Zeppo Marx left his brothers’s act to be a spokesperson for Zippo lighters. The copy writer who made the initial ad campaign slogan–When he left the act, they became a Zeppo lighter–was heaved out a ninth floor window.
Zeppo Marx was not one of the “nice” Marx Brothers. When Frank Sinatra stole his wife away from him, Harpo and Chico sent Frank congratulatory notes. Chico was too drunk to care.
Frank Sinatra’s first Rat Pack was literally a pack of 12 feral rats he used to juggle while singing on street corners in Hoboken, NJ. By the 1960s anybody bringing up his rat juggling past risked being killed.