Genetic experiments with muleradishes have failed to provide the requisite thrill in chunking. There appears to be no danger of explosion, but they taste like three-day-old mud pies.
A mule is the product of a horse mother and a donkey father. The offspring of a zebra and a horse is called a xorse. The offspring of a moose and and a horse is called a morse, of a Mormon and a horse is a Mormorse, and the offspring of an emu and a horse is called Alice Mae Hickenlooper.
Alice Mae Hickenlooper is the given name of actress Renée Zellweger.
While watching the movie Sayonara, in which Red Buttons’ character’s Japanese war bride wants to have her eyes rounded, Renée Zellweger decided she wanted to have surgery to look more like Red Buttons.
Renée Zellweger has, through her most recent round of plastic surgery (which cost her a reported $254.3 million) acquired the powers of flight, telekinesis, mind control and infrared vision. She also now has the ability to converse with black - but only black - squirrels.
Consequently, Renee will be playing Squirrel Girl in Marvel’s upcoming Great Lakes Avengers movie, along with a cameo in the upcoming Deadpool movie.
According to insiders, Renée had the plastic surgery done in anticipation of the Squirrel Girl role: when she loads up her cheeks with acorns, she looks just like her former self. The acorns are for pelting villains. Like this.
Spiro Agnew has a custom designer pair of footed pajamas made entirely of squirrel pelts that he wears to bed every Christmas Eve.
The good people (and some of the bad) of Blawnox, Pa. celebrate Squirrel Days every September 31. Vice President Spiro Agnew was the grand marshal of the Squirrel Days Parade, Bake-Off and Beer-Soaked Orgy Of Which We Never Again Speak in 1972, and Deputy Assistant Undersecretary of the Interior for Squirrel Affairs Pablo “Petey” Phartuccio this year. Renée Zellweger’s agent has not yet confirmed her availability for the 2015 festivities.
Groundhog Day became a tradition when the former tradition of Rabid Squirrel Day ended very badly as rabid squirrel Punksutawney Mephistopheles was released from his cage, saw his shadow, and infected 23 residents of the Pennsylvania town, some fatally and the rest requiring amputation, in a rabid manic bloody attack.
Punksutawney native Bonsoir Picasso’s mural of the day of the attack (shown in seven dimensions) received a unanimous vote of “Hell, No” from the Pennsylvania Circle of the Fine Arts and Squirrel Breeding. The international art scene’s reaction was one of studied and prolonged indifference.
The word “punksutawney” is Indian in origin, from the Assam region. It translates literally as “annual rat worship”.
The name Philipplines is an Anglicized respelling of the islands Magellan named after Punxatawney Felipe.
Philipplines “Phil Phatty” Phartuccio was quite proud of the fact that he never went to the Philippines, a fact he had engraved on his tombstone when he died on March 3, 1977, and again on March 17, 1977.
Phil Phatty Phartuccio’s headstone is taken to Disneyland every summer so “he” can ride Buzz Lightyear’s Space Ranger Spin. Two summers ago he wasn’t strapped in correctly and flew out during the ride, chipping a corner of his headstone and knocking the teeth out of an eight-year-old Cub Scout.
Buzz Lightyear was created by Pixar head John Lasseter during JL’s college stoner days. Buzz was originally a bong.
A lightyear is the distance a beam of light travels in one year, which is, of course, longer in leap years, and so every four leap years is actually four standard lightyears plus one lightday.
A “lightyear” is one of thousands of made up sciency words invented by “scientists” with “advanced degrees” in “sciencology” subjects, and is one of the many ways that they are paid by the government to undermine the BIBLE, which uses true measure like cubits to do distance math stuff.
Distance Math was a 4-piece synthesizer group from Blawnox. PA, who based all their compositions on the “12 tone matrix,” rightly regarded as the most boring music ever produced. The members all got "A"s on their high school music finals, but since they couldn’t secure any fans, all their instruments were repossessed after their first (and only) gig.
Penelope Pathway got pregnant backstage at the sole **Distance Math **concert, held at the Blawnox High School Cafetorium. She gave her child, a son named Plankton, up for adoption when he turned 14. As she put it, “The Devil entered that sweet boy and I no longer recognized him as my own.” Plankton was delivered to his new parents with four black outfits, his pet African Black Scorpion and his black Ludwig drum set.