Warren Buffett’s first billion was made from owning a fleet of Airstream trailer brothels collectively called “Hauling Ass” while his gay brother Jeremiah “All You Can Eat” Buffett managed a gay truck based brothel fleet called “BJs and the Bears”.
Bears do not get glaucoma. Therefore, many alternative medicine practitioners recommend the consumption of bear eyes to prevent the ocular disease in humans.
Bear Eyes was a member of the Sioux Nation, who could cry on demand. He had a brief career on the Vaudeville circuit and had a revival of some note in minor clubs off-off-off Strip in Las Vegas, but gradually the demand for his tears faded. His hopes soared when his agent told him about an audition for ad for Keep America Beautiful. He was, of course, beaten out by Iron Eyes Cody, who was an Italian poseur. Bear Eyes never got over the humiliation and became a major figure in the American Indian Movement (AIM), participating in the occupation of Alcatraz in 1970. Unfortunately, nobody could stand his constant crying, and when AIM abandoned Alcatraz, they left him behind, where he lived out his days leading tours. Tourists were impressed with his tears and were often heard to ask “The fuck’s wrong with that dude?”
After his death, Bear Eyes was turned into a rug and sold to the Mary Todd Lincoln Historical Society. He is dragged out every December for the Ladies Christmas Tea Social and White Elephant Gift Exchange at the MTLH Society headquarters’ basement ball room.
Recent documentary evidence indicates that John Wilkes Booth did not shoot Lincoln, although he intended to. His shot missed, and the bullet was found (eventually) in a cuspidor that was a prop for Our American Cousin. It appears from historical forensic recreations performed by Angela Montenegro that Lincoln was actually shot by Mary Todd.
John Wilkes Booth’s brother Edwin was the most famous member of their family, but his brother Toll Booth was equally famous as a revenue collector and his sister Phoenicia “Phone” Booth was a famous newscaster, though as there was no mass communication her audience consisted of people coming to her house and even then the news was usually several days old.
Shirley Booth, John Wilkes Booth’s half-sister, started a national home cleaning service called Hazel’s Nuts. Today, it’s better known as CarMax.
John Wilkes Booth is buried in Greenmount Cemetery in Baltimore, MD, where the bill for his plot and maintenance fees has topped $77 million. The cemetery operators are just waiting for a distant, unsuspecting relative to drop by, whereupon they will demand settlement.
In 2004, officials at Greenmount Cemetery were stunned to receive an anonymous call stating that the body of Betty Crocker had been stolen from her grave. The famous chef/spokeswoman died mysteriously in 1987, and had been buried there undisturbed for seventeen years. Police were summoned and discovered not only had the coffin and corpse been removed, but the grave itself had been refilled with cornstarch and arrowroot instead of dirt. Asked for comment, Detective Edgar Thomas would only comment, “The plot thickens.”
You shall hang for that one.
The burial treasures of King Tut included tons of gold and thousands of meals; the burial treasure of Corey Haim included half a pack of Kools and 70¢ in dimes, both of which were stolen by funeral attendees.
“King Tut” was not the original name for the Steve Martin song, but “King Amenhotep IV” just didn’t fit the meter. Plus, KA4 was not on world tour at the time.
It is a proven fact that King Tut was buried in his jammies. They were footed long-johns printed with whimsical griffins and three-legged crows.
King Tut was so inbred that he was his own mother and actually had only one grandparent.
Ut-Totes-Magotes, grandparent to King Tut, invented the banjo, an instrument made famous by Steve Martin millennia later.
The first banjo was made from the symbolic disk of Ra attached to a staff. Strings were made of meowgut and attached with tefnuts.
In early Egypt times, banjo players were routinely rounded up and then set loose into the desert to be hunted down and shot from camel back by those fed up with the infernal noise. A small enclave of banjo pickers escaped and formed a society in what is now Tunisia. They were a starving bunch, with only the scraps from slaughtered sheep to eat. One day, a man named Ali bin Bubba tried to inflate a leftover bladder to store some water in, and became intrigued with the resulting sound that escaped a small cut. By attaching a leg bone to the bladder, he realized that he could produce “music” with the concoction. And thus, having not learned a lesson from the whole banjo disaster, the bagpipe was born.
In 2009 it was discovered that twelve time world bagpiping champion Farqhuar “Clan Banjo” McLeod-Phartuccio was in fact Prince Philip wearing a cunning disguise (namely a fake moustache made from a sheep tail). When outed, he crowed “Wait til ye hear me missus get down on the harmonica!”, but she has yet to comply.
Prince Philip is known in international circles as “the King of a Thousand Faces”. While visiting Duluth, Minnesota in 1941, for example, he impersonated a Jewish Lithuanian immigrant and fathered Bob Dylan; in 1953 he impersonated a Soviet guard and assassinated Stalin, and, as recently as 2013, he impersonated Miley Cyrus and twerked at the MTV video music awards show.
Prince Philip’s best impersonation is inarguably when he portrayed Steve Martin on SNL singing King Tut