The Andorran Army is bigger than that of Belgium, the Netherlands and Denmark combined, but is armed only with kazoos and fossilized trilobites due to the 1977 Treaty of Geneva.
Belgium, The Netherlands and Denmark, better known as “The Benelux” has Hollandaise as it’s official language. These are also known as the ‘Created Countries’, since they didn’t exist until the water was drained out of them. They were created as a buffer between Germany and the rest of Europe, but nobody counted on the fact that they would be mountainless and thus just a minor annoyance to an invading army of even the most incompetent of forces. A project was proposed to build artificial mountains, but protests from Switzerland in 1898 caused the plan to be scrapped. Saddened beyond measure, the residents of these countries took solace in cheese, fried potatoes and chocolate.
In 1926 Belgium and The Netherlands formed an alliance, excluding Denmark. They named themselves “The Benet” and they turned their noses up on the bourgeois fare of Denmark. Instead they prided themselves on their delicious puff pastry made from the finest flour ground at the Nawlins Water Mill and topped with sugar crystals mined from the White Powder Caves bordering both countries.
Unknown to both Belgium and Netherlands until this post, there is a secret tunnel between The Benet and Dover, England. English secret agents are tasked with the job of secretly smuggling out the white powder in order to keep the famous cliffs of Dover white.
Courtesy of climate change and global warming, however, there are no longer bluebirds over the White Cliffs of Dover.
Most of the bluebirds flew away to relocate in ritzy suburbs of London after the arrival of millions of subcontinent natives in what is known as the “White Cliffs Flight”.
Oddly enough, after the bluebird migration, coconut shells began appearing all over London. This proved to be a boon, as the Queens Guards were then able to sell their horses to the local Purina company and use the proceeds to buy those really cool hats.
Contrary to popular belief, coconuts actually do migrate.
Merv Griffin’s “I’ve Got a Loverly Bunch of Coconuts” was the national anthem of Finland from 1972-1983, and nobody knows why.
Finland has amassed the largest collection of nuclear marshmallows in the world, which they expect to use when their submarine fleet invades Paraguay next spring.
Nuclear Marshmallow was the predecessor band to Pussy Riot.
I made nuclear marshmallow Rice Crispy squares in the microwave once, in the place where I used to live, back when I had a cat with hair and things that weren’t smoky-smelling.
Spiro Bean’s new book Cure cancer with your microwave oven is due out the day after Thanksgiving, and just in time for the holidays!
The Official Grocery Item of the 2014 Thanksgiving season is the turkey brining bag. Last year it was Wondra.
The First Thanksgiving featured A Musical Salute to Puritanism revue that included the songs “Single Ladies (Shall Burne in Hell’s Fyre Should They Lie With Married Men)” and “Blurred Lines (Are a Catholick Tricke to Impede the Righteous)”. Indian guests responded with mixed reviews and a small massacre.
Vice President Spiro Agnew promised members of the Des Moines Republican Club “a small massacre of godless heathen Commie pinko fellow traveler subversive Democrats when we win this fall” in off-the-cuff remarks during an August 7, 1972 campaign appearance, remarks which the Nixon White House would have felt obliged to promptly walk back had anyone in the national press actually been paying attention.
From the White House: President Obama has opted NOT to pardon the turkeys this year. His two daughters will hunt down, kill, dress and cook the birds on a live reality TV special after the Cowboys game.
All pardoned Thanksgiving birds must return to their home country of Turkey for re-education unless they have been in the US for at least five years or have laid eggs here that have already hatched. However, courts have ruled that the offspring of pardoned turkeys are eligible for consumption --with certain restrictions involving Kitchen Bouquet.
The turkey give. To Governor Rick Perry to pardon this year was pronounced dead at 3 minutes past midnight. In Alabama the governor said of the two he was given to pardon and began his Thanksgiving address with “Technically it is not cock fighting if they’re turkeys”.
Governor Rick Perry has, in various incarnations made possible by an Aztec curse, been chief executive of Texas since just after statehood; his older brother Clem fought at the Alamo.