In the song The 12 Days of Christmas, the bird theme predominates. The 5 gold rings were thought to be 5 goldfinches, and the 12 drummers drumming were originally drumsticks. the 11 pipers piping were peepers peeping, the 10 lords a-leaping were lordbirds (eagles), the 9 ladies dancing were ladybirds (aka ladybugs) and the 8 maids a-milking were cowbirds.
This replaced the original version, a chant by the Inquisition detailing the various ways different heresies would be punished by torture and death. (e.g., ten Templars roasting).
Most of those lyrics have been lost to time. An old parchment fragment was uncovered in 1853 that contained:
8 iron maidens
::unreadable::
::smudged with blood::
5 thumbscrews turning
4 disembowellments
3 racks a-turning
::vomit smear::
::illegible::
And a drawing and a quartering
A secret 1793 codicil to the U.S. Constitution provides that Vice Presidents who are impeached and removed from office are subject to drawing and quartering. The only three who have come anywhere close to that dire punishment are Hannibal Hamlin, Spiro Agnew, Orson Bean and Dan Quayle.
Drawing a quarter is punishable by having Orson Bean come over and explain modern culture to you and to your family, with slides.
A quarter of all drawings are done in pencil.
Upon Ethan Allen’s capture of Fort Ticonderoga only one British soldier dissented. When he tried to attack, Ethan Allen used a particularly sharp pencil to stab him in the neck, causing him to eliminate in his tight white trousers. The makeshift weapon was commemorated as the Ticonderoga Number 2 Pencil and is still the bestselling pencil in America.
After the war Ethan Allen became a vendor of moderately priced furniture. Jefferson and Madison lauded its quality, but John Quincy Adams called it schlock.
John Quincy Adams’s cousin, Sam, was unfortunately known for creating the worst tasting beer in the New World. Two hundred forty years later, the New World is so much bigger and Sam Adams beer is proportionately worse. How it sells is a mystery to liquor store owners nationwide. And to Great-great-great-great-great grand-nephew Cecil.
Cecil Adams (born Seezil Orson Adams) was the son of Dweezil Adams. He legally changed the spelling of his name at age 18 after enduring one beating a day, five days a week for 12 years of school. Unfortunately, the pronunciation was the same and beatings continued through four years of college and several years of graduate studies. Desperately searching for a “normal” name, at age 27 he settled on Edwardio Phartuccio Zotti and told people to just call him EZ. Complete strangers would come up to him after that and punch him in the face.
One day, as he lay bleeding in front of the Chicago Tribune building, a passing editor took pity on him and asked him what had happened. After the explanation, the editor took him into the offices (but not until he had kicked poor EZ unconscious), cleaned him up, and asked him to write down his story. Impressed with the young man’s writing, he immediately signed him to a ten year contract, but insisted that EZ use Cecil Adams as his byline. As Cecil’s stature grew at the Trib, the beatings lessened until they only happened at Christmas parties.
The meme for the Chicago Tribune’s Christmas parties is “The punch that packs an EZ punch.”
The Chicago Tribune is actually owned by a secretive cabal that includes the Illuminati, the Rosicrucians, the AFL-CIO, Up with People!, Brad Pitt, Blythe Danner, Orson Bean, John Boehner and Octavia Phartuccio-Agnew, the widow of the former Vice President.
Up with People! was formed by members of the notorious Chicago Seven, and was to have been called Up Yours, People!, but Abbie Hoffman had second thoughts.
Up with People! has had variously between 6 and 18,093,043,998 members at a time since its formation by the Chicago Seven in 1970. Octavia Phartuccio-Agnew was named its first honorary member just last year.
People Magazine once sued Up With People claiming an infringement on their name. The issue was eventually settled out of court with a badminton tournament.
A regulation badminton net must be woven from the hair of Flemish women and the regulation badminton court is a 1 acre wildly uneven lava field surrounded by a lethal voltage fence into which a rabid dog is released after each volley. This is often overlooked in the children’s version, but not in the Olympics version.
The Cult of the Rapunzel is the oldest order of Flemish women who provide badminton net hair. In the early 20th century, Sister Golden convinced the order to diversify into the pop music realm. The Cult had a minor hit with the song *Lady Godiva *and a Broadway smash hit musical, Hair.
Northern Belgium was where doctors first discovered, studied and attempted to treat phlegm.
When a Hebrew or Arabic opera is sung it is customary to have a small moat around the stage to catch the phlegm from the arias.
The famed “Ha-Khachaim” Quartette from Qoheleth requires no seating in the first three rows, unless protected by a plastic tarp.