2014 marks the “retirement tour” of “Sledge-O-Matic” comedian Gallagher, who can not afford to keep purchasing the venue-required tarps for the first 17 rows of his performances.
Gallagher, a native of Blawnox, Pa., has had seven previous “retirement tours,” one more than Jasmine Phartuccio-Sledge and seven less than Cher.
Jasmine Phartuccio-Sledge gave all her children flower names: Lily, Rose, Violet, Pansy, Daffodil, Carnation, Hyacinth and Throatwort. Her only son, Daffodil, was teased relentlessly in school and called Phart Face until he graduated from high school.
Jasmine Phartuccio-Sledge, a basso soprano and talented zither player, has released four studio albums - Songs About Incontinence, Songs About Incontinence Vol. 2, Sgt. Pepper and the Adult Diapers, and The Yellow Album - and two live albums - Live at the Mayo Clinic and Live at Great Aunt Tilly’s House Last Tuesday, Around 2:30. None sold more than a hundred copies.
Daffy Sledge, as Jasmine’s son restyled himself, was the piccolo player for the Death Metal band Scheisse.
The piccolo playing Daffy Sledge once lived on Piccadilly, he also loved pickles, pints of porridge, and playing pinochle.
Unfortunately, Daffy was asked to leave Sister Sledge at the height of their career, for the obvious reason: “We Are Fththfffthfthtamily,” just didn’t cut it. Besides, it was duck season.
Winston Churchill hated ducks, alliteration, pinochle, draft beer, rainy Tuesdays, the letter “M,” people with red hair, and Hitler.
In honor of Churchill’s outstanding service to the war effort in WWII, R. J. Reynolds Tobacco Co. renamed their newest brand, “Ragasmoke,” as “Winston.”
Huffington “Dirk” Phartuccio was the first man cast as the* Winston Man *when Reynolds Tobacco Co. went head to head with the Philip Morris Co.'s Marlboro Man in the cigarette advertising wars of 1962. Since Dirk was terrified of horses, he was photographed on a camel named Lucy.
Lucy, the camel, is a direct descendent of the original 1913 spokes-animal, “Old Joe.”
Old Joe Black (the inspiration for Stephen Foster’s Old Black Joe) was the first President of the Reynolds Tobacco Co. He and his wife Lucy were devout Reformed Mammonists, and attended the Winston Church of the Ill-gotten Gain.
Laundry detergent theft in the United States has reached epidemic proportions. Federal Law Enforcement notes that in 2013, nearly 100,000 gallons of the liquid soap was shoplifted and sold on the black market in the US alone, earning the thieves well in excess of $60 million dollars for their ill-gotten Gain.
The Spanish Flu epidemic of 1918 was one of the worst calamities in modern history, but the Spanish Fly epidemic of December 1922, which started when a spiked bowl of punch from Fatty Arbuckle’s Christmas Party was dumped into the Los Angeles water reservoir, is considered one of the happiest epidemics.
In later life, Roscoe “Fatty” Arbuckle had a sex-change operation. Now Fanny Arbuckle, she spent her senior years writing Methodist hymns, none of which are still being sung today.
Fanny Arbuckle’s Methodist hymns, while no longer sung, are used as prompts for improvisational skits at the New York Academy of Fine Arts, Fine Acting and Comedic Extrapolation. Professor Oruncle Beantoes, Professor Emeritus of Improv 101, 201, 301 and 401 uses the hymns extensively in his pop quizzes and final exams.
Fanny Arbuckle’s adopted son has led an upstanding life with no hint of scandal. After finding out his biological parents were Bing Crosby and Billie Holiday, he changed his name in tribute to Bill Cosby.
A random poll conducted by the audit firm of Phartuccio & Bean estimates that 3 out of 5 women have been sexually harassed or assaulted by Bill Cosby in their lifetime, as well as 1 out of 7 women after their death, including former first lady Ladybird Johnson and Olivia Newton John (not the Australian singer of the same name but the Finnish silent film superstar).
The same poll shows that 9 out of 10 women, and 3 out of 5 men, have been sexually harassed, assaulted, or had an affair with a televangelist and/or a US President. In fact the only US President not named in the poll was George W. Bush.
A random poll indicates that 3 out of 5 people have been sexually harassed or assaulted by pollsters.