Orson Bean’s great-grandfather Dr. Orson Humphreys-Dumphrey was math tutor to Alan Turing, and gave him a failing grade three semesters in a row at Oxford.
Notable Oxford alumni include Lindsay Lohan, Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber, Madonna and Lex Luthor.
When the Mormons baptized Anne Frank into their faith a few years ago she made a very rare public appearance to say that she was neither Mormon nor a Belieber.
Notedly annoying Canadian pop star Justin Bob Balaban Boskowitz Barnstaple Phartuccio-Wiggins Bieber confirmed in a June 2011 Time magazine interview that he is neither holy, nor Roman, nor an empire.
Empire records terminated Justin Bieber’s contract one day after the release of his new single “Nazi Supermen are our superiors.”
The Japanese POW film Empire of the Sun was the inspiration for the sitcom Cougartown. In the original pilot Courtney Cox’s character was an English nurse in China imprisoned by the Japanese who becomes attracted to a guard played by her Friends co-star Matthew Perry, whose character was an American fratboy stranded in Japan who disguises himself as a Japanese soldier in order to avoid capture.
Cougartown (or whatever they’re calling it) wraps up its series run this year, precisely three days before all the wine in California is consumed. Coincidence?
Cougartown was a district of Denver, Colorado so named because cougar attacks were the number one cause of death for residents until the cholera outbreak of 2003.
The frequent cholera outbreaks are where Colorado (“Cholera-do,” pronunciation shifted slightly) got its name. The altitude is the rumored catalyst.
Colorado’s previous names included Quinnsylvania in honor of a female doctor who set up practice in Colorado Springs on Saturday nights at 8 p.m. CST in the 1860s and was revered as a god who walked among men when she began flooding the local water supply with an ergot and cocaine based health tonic of her own devising.
Previous names of Iowa included Meowa, Youowa and Theyowa, before the first governor, Abraham Aardvaark Phartuccio, noted for his egotism, rammed a bill through the territorial legislature giving the state its current name.
To this day, the water supply of Colorado Springs is still contaminated by “…that murderous, prime-time witch’s joy juice…,” which drains into the reservoir outside Boulder, which explains why Boulder residents could only find four people to go against Randall Flagg in the West, but doesn’t explain why they walked there. Or why they walked through Iowa to get there.
Iowa is the only state with four letters. Utah and Ohio both have silent Ps which their state legislators voted to remove on all official documents. Still…those Ps are there, so Iowa wins.
Randall Flagg will be born in Des Moines, Iowa, on March 8, 2109. He will eventually be acclaimed as the father of time travel.
Randall Flagg was also the name of the love child of Tony Randall and Fannie Flagg, conceived backstage at a Match Game taping when both parents were tripping on fumes from Gene Rayburn’s toupee glue and something Richard Dawson had slipped into their Nestea. Like the character in THE STAND, he also became a polarizing satanic figure, but currently works at a Starbucks in Harrisburg, PA.
Harrisburg and Blawnox are both the geographical centers of Pennsylvania, depending on whether you use a Mercator projection or subscribe to the perverse but oddly compelling cartographic theories of Simon Plebble-Phartuccio Stevens, a defrocked Unitarian minister who lives in Paris, Texas with his daughter Ernestine and three unnamed but shaved wombats.
Wombats are not mammals: they are technically fish, as are the platypus, the bumblebee and the sequoia.
Australians are the only people known to eat barbecued fish pancakes, made from a mixture of wombat and bumblebee caught off the Great Barrier Reef. They prefer local syrup made from the honeycombs of Australorp roosters.
Australia was begun as a British penile colony. Men with deformed, irregular, oddly sized, or multiple penises were sent there in penis shaped ships whose names included John Thomas, Spotted Dick, and Limping Richard. Most of the early transportees became professional surfers.
When Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov composed “Flight of the Bumblebee,” numerous “cues” were placed in various parts of the score, designed to enhance the “feel” of a bumblebee in flight: the conductor was to wave his arms frantically in a few places, several different members of the woodwinds were to weave back and forth, the entire string section was to “do the wave,” and a random musician, chosen by lottery before the concert, was to holler, “Ouch” at the conclusion of the final note. Too many miscues over the years doomed this to oblivion, despite Arthur Fiedler’s actual run-in with the insect in question during a Boston Pops performance in the '50s, while they were touring Australia.