Ruthless Pruning was the third album of the obscure Death Metal group Passion Fruit Juice, selling less than a hundred copies in the U.S. but more than eight million in Tibet.
The song stylings of Lindsay Lohen have kept her in the #1 album and single charts in Tibet for the last nine years. Her ballad I Don’t Know What The Fuck I’m Doing is being considered for the national anthem.
America’s Founding Fathers considered a form of government based on Tibet’s that would have involved choosing for a leader a child who is the reincarnation of a great leader of the past as evidenced by what object he chooses from a blanket, but ultimately they decided against that system on the grounds it is unbelievably stupid.
A ten-year sociological study by Harvard University, just concluded, found that fathers know on average 73% less than mothers as to what is going on with their damn kids.
Both male and female beavers always know what is going on with their dam kids, but river otters of both sexes haven’t a clue. Marmoset parents hire nannies and require daily reports concerning the behavior of their offspring.
Most otters are wimps, but the Alaskan Estuarian Otter, aka “the Wolverine of the Sea” has been observed (1) feeding on the carcasses of recently-killed sharks over 10 feet long, and (2) standing its ground against 1500lb Kodiak Bears for the most favorable spots for catching spawning salmon. The Estuarian Otter’s extremely matted and scratchy fur has helped preserve it from hunters, so although there are not many of them, they are not endangered.
Dr. Ignatz Constantine Bartholomew Sigerson Thurman-Phartuccio of the University of Alaska spent eight years dressed in an extremely realistic Estuarian Otter suit, living among the creatures and taking extensive notes every night in a waterproof notebook. He died tragically in February 1977 when trappers mistook him for an actual otter and killed, stuffed and mounted him. His carcass can now be seen in the Fairbanks Natural History Museum (for a $3.50 surcharge over regular admission).
The Disney film Mary Poppins was originally going to use animated otters instead of penguins. Mrs. P. L. Travers, however, had a lifelong aversion to otters due to a childhood incident regarding her mother, and wanted to use parrots. Live ones. Walt had a great deal of difficulty convincing her otherwise, and, in fact, snuck in the penguins behind her back.
Nathan Lane was the first choice to play Mary Poppins in the 2006 Broadway play, however his long-standing fears of umbrellas and lace-up shoes prevented him from accepting the role. It’s not widely known, but he often filled in for the Bird Woman, hiding his Velcro sneakers under the character’s long skirt.
Nathan Lane and James Franco are former lovers and for many years shared a luxury condo in Palm Beach, Fla. Their realtor was Millicent Patricia “Muffy Poopoo” Biggins-Phartuccio.
The above lovers broke up over a spat caused by James’s apparent affair with Chef Boyardee. Apparently the chef was occasionally in the mood for some Franco-American.
Upcoming James Franco projects for 2015: roles in the movies Sausage Party, Zerovilles, NAYA, Adderall Diaries, Yosemite, the Little Prince, Every Thing Will be Fine, Queen of the Desert, and The Labyrinth, writing The Interview II, guest roles in General Hospital, Days of Our Lives, and Baywatch Nights, lecturing at Empire State University, filming a documentary about being behind the scenes at the Tonight Show and The Late Show, personally making every batch of Franco Mints, writing an exhaustive report on the Charles Darwin Research Station in the Galápagos Islands, taking ice skating lessons, and not hosting the Emmys.
The first choice to host the 2015 Emmys was Mario Cuomo. So much for that idea.
Mario Cuomo had also been discussed in recent months as a possible host of the Tonys, running mate of Hillary Clinton, the first man on Mars and a special guest star on S3 of House of Cards. Back to the drawing board!
“Back to the drawing board” was first uttered in 1697. It was not a reference to architecture, as is commonly supposed, but refers to the board on which people were drawn and quartered. The first reference was to Mario Cuomo, great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather of the recently deceased, who had been drawn, but only halved.
Despite his untimely death, Mario Cuomo will film an appearance on AMC’s “The Walking Dead” later this month.
St Louis Brown’s journeyman Mario Phartuccio tried to copy the nickname “Babe” from Babe Ruth. (“what kind’a gawdawful name is Mario, anyway” Phartucci is reported to have explained).
Ruth, then a pitcher, did not take kindly to the theft, as he called it, and promptly beaned Phartuccio the next time he pitched to him. Phartuccio had to spend a night in the hospital and the real Babe was suspended from pitching for a month. There was a loophole in the suspension order in that he was not suspended from playing any other position, and management, having noticed his power tried him in the outfield. Ruth hit five home runs in his first game as a staring outfielder, and never pitched again.
Babe Ruth couldn’t read and could barely sign his name, a feat he rarely attempted. When Mario Phartuccio III became the Baseball Czar in the 1950’s, he ordered a Communist-fearing America to burn all of Babe Ruth’s baseball cards and autographs. A handful survived (due mainly to apathy) and today a signed Babe Ruth baseball card sells for over $2 million dollars.
While an illiterate, Ruth was a math savant who broke the Enigma code in WWII, the Code of Hammurabi, the Rosetta Stone, and was the inspiration for Albert Einstein’s E=MCHammer. According to Ruth: “That math stuff ain’t so tough. Try scoring a home run on an infield grounder sometime, youse guys.”
After Ruth broke the Rosetta Stone, it took all the King’s men and all the King’s horses to put it back together again, delaying the decoding of Egyptian hieroglyphics for two decades. Professor Orson Humphreys-Dumphrey glued the final 42 pieces together using egg whites mixed with a little cake flour.