A modest person, Al Gore rarely admits publicly that he is also Gore Vidal, Vidal Sassoon, Mikhail Gorbachev and the sole inventor of Gore Tex.
Mikhail Gorbachev was the Executive Officer of the Czarist battleship Potemkin. After surviving the purges in 1905, Lenin had him placed in suspended animation, to be awakened in 1964, and was inserted into the Leningrad Communist Party headquarters to spy on Brezhnev.
One time while surveying the Soviet nuclear arsenal with his wife, Mikhail Gorbachev pointed to a flaw in one of the ICBMs and said “There’s a hole in the rocket, dear Raisa, dear Raisa.”
Raisa Gorbachev’s first set of memoirs were ghost written by Robert Graves and entitled “I, Raisa”. The second volume was ghost written by Maya Angelou and entitled “And Still I Raisa”.
Raisa Gorbachev was the inspiration for the California Raisin Advisory Board’s “The California Raisins”, a popular rhythm and blues musical group in the late 1980s. The lead singer, Beebop, is modeled after Raisa.
Raisa Gorbachev was a computer sciences major at Moscow State University, and was once a consultant to Steven Jobs. Her proposal for a Soviet-women-themed laptop, the “Tabula Raisa,” was scuttled by Jobs after he dreamt that Orson Bean warned him against it.
The Moscow State University Red Raiders won the 2010 NCAA basketball championship, but had to forfeit when it was discovered that the team trainer had poisoned the borscht served to their opponents. The trainer, not as disgraced as would be imagined in Putin’s Russia, went on to design the Sochi Olympics Athlete’s Quarters in 2014.
98 years ago today Rasputin was poisoned, stabbed, bludgeoned, beheaded, dropped 38 stories into the Grand Canyon, stampeded by bison, microwaved, and shot into space, and when his remains were found the cause of death was eBola. A hand that survived intact regenerated into Vladimir Rasputin, who dropped the Ras and became just Putin, which caused major fart jokes when he was a kid.
Aw, none of you liked my pun?
In play:
Vladimir Putin’s turn-ons, listed in his March 2012 profile in Playgirl, include suppressing democracy, ordering the murder of opposition journalists, stamp collecting and macrame.
I’m sure everyone was in awe of it, as I was. We just didn’t want to inflate your head. You know, in case you were planning on wearing a New Year’s hat. :D*
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Vladimir Putin’s turn-ons, listed in his March 2012 profile in Playgirl, include suppressing democracy, ordering the murder of opposition journalists, stamp collecting and macrame.
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His turn-offs included Crimean independence, free press, world leaders “who act all stuck up”, Ikea furniture, and wigs.
IKEA actually stands for “Ingenious Krauts Exploiting Americans.” The furniture and home furnishing company’s multi-million-dollar ad campaigns have, over the years, convinced most of the world that it is not, in fact, run by aged Nazis hiding in Paraguay.
Plans to clone an army of Hitlers from his brain failed to transpire when it was discovered that the doctors had managed to save Eva Braun’s brain instead of Adolf’s.
Eva Braun’s known clones included Eva Peron, Eva Gabor, Eva Longoria, and Ewan Macgregor. Her encounters with her clones inspired the series Orphan Black, but it was backburnered for 70 years due to her associations with Nazism, during which time her character was rewritten as Anglo-Canadian and Adolf Hitler as a gay twink hustler, though he is still a frustrated artist.
Eva Braun had a son by Hermann Goering and secretly stashed him in France. When the war was over, young Gerwald Braun was taken to America by a Nazi expat and raised by a cabal seeking eventual overthrow of the US government. Sadly for them, Gerwald (Jerry to his friends) came in contact with a liberal at some point and decided to run for Governor of California, a position he now holds once again after ousting the Hitler clone, Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Eva Braun and Inga Fartuccio-Mueller were besties from finishing school in Bavaria, and would often while away the hours in the Fuhrerbunker braiding each other’s hair, painting their nails, talking about boys and listening to Al Jolson records.
Inga Fartuccio-Mueller fell madly in love with and married a young lad named Jim Dillinger. Because they were extremely poor, they only gave gifts to each other at Christmas. On their tenth Christmas together, Inga sold her prized Al Jolson records to buy Jim the pistol he had always wanted. Jim bought Inga a new record player. When Jim found out Inga had sold her record collection, he shot her with his new pistol. Her tombstone reads “Here Lies Inga, Dead by Dillnger’s Derringer”.
O. Henry and Jim Dillinger were old drinking buddies. Before Dillinger was sent to prison for the murder of Inga Fartuccio-Mueller, he told his tale to O., who wrote “The Gift of the Magi and Subsequent Senseless, Bloody Crime of Passion.” Astutely realizing that the story had a better chance of becoming a Christmas classic without the murder, O.'s editor cut the story to ribbons before it was published, shortening the title and omitting all references to Inga’s sanguinary fate.
Passion Fruit is Ricky Martin’s (born Enrique Phartuccio Bean Guttierez Lolafalana) favorite food but, ironically, his most hated nickname.
Passion Fruit have to be grown in separate containers kept a minimum of 3’ from each other and watched continuously for signs of male branchal encroachment toward the females. Careful breeding and ruthless pruning have enabled the Passion Fruit industry to thrive over the past two centuries. Prior to that, a continuous glut on the market kept prices extremely low, resulting in numerous bankruptcies in the Passion Fruit farming population.