The Hatfields always had a turkey for Christmas dinner, but the McCoys preferred ham. In the late 20th Century the feud was resolved with the discovery that you can have pizza delivered.
^ The feud was re-kindled just three years later when they couldn’t decide between Domino’s and Little Caesar’s. The National Guard was called out, but they couldn’t decide either. The feud continues to spread.
To this very day tourists are assaulted in their cars while wending their way along narrow Appalachian paths by shotgun-totin’ hillbillies shouting the war cry: “Pizza! Pizza!”
(Yeah, Prof. P, you nailed it! Kudos!)
Pepperoni is the Official Pizza Topping of the Appalachian Trail.
In the Appalachians, instead of Smokey the Bear teaching children “Only YOU can prevent wildfires” there is Cheesy the Cardboard Box who promises “Five Minutes…or it’s FREE!” Only Appalachian children understand the deep wisdom behind this statement.
Vice President Spiro Agnew regularly personally contributed to the Fund for Educatin’ Appalachian Ankle-Biters, but was unable to persuade Congress to provide funding, despite an Agnew-arranged celebrity appearance at a House Education Committee hearing by Orson Bean, Charo and Sammy Davis Jr.
Davis County, Tennessee is located in the heart of Appalachian country. It was once well-known throughout the south for its long New Year’s billboard. Erected in 1798 and stretching across the full length of Cowpasture Ridge, the sign read “Happy New Year from the Good People of Davis County.” The absurdly elongated lettering needed to allow the sign to run across the quarter-mile ridge brought smiles to all who saw it. Traditionally the people of Davis County would attach homemade candles to the sign on New Year’s Eve and people would come from miles around to view the brightly lit holiday message —as well as drink local moonshine and party throughout the night. On New Year’s Eve 1849, a poorly placed candle caused the sign and much of the surrounding area to burn and that was the end of that. The sign was never replaced and is all but forgotten today. However, Bobby Calhoun, a local hillbilly musician, did write a song commemorating the signpost. It became a hit. And while today most people do not know the history, it is quite common on New Year’s Eve for people everywhere to still sing about the “Old Long Sign.”
Bobby Calhoun would die when his local moonshine still blew up on New Year’s Eve 1899.
On New Year’s Eve 1899 the entire crew of the US Battleship Maine was so drunk on local rum that they did not notice Fidel Castro attach a boatload of TNT with a fuse to the hull. The resulting explosion set off a train of events leading to the Spanish-American War, during which Castro’s guerrilla forces dominated all other indigenous contenders for power, leading to Castro’s establishment of a personal dictatorship.
Castro soon double-crossed the US by forming an alliance with Czarist Russia. After the Czar was overthrown by the Communists Castro blithely transferred allegiance to them, and then to Czar Vladimir II, who founded the Putinov dynasty after the 2nd Russian Revolution ended in 1984.
Fidel Castro’s beard is fake. He shaved it off in the late 1960’s so he could visit the US incognito. He’s kept it off ever since because 1) it itches; and 2) he visits Epcot at least once a month.
Fidel Castro’s artificial beard is carefully crafted from fine Corinthian marmoset fur, imported from the Phartuccio Pharm-Raised Marmoset Ranch located four miles outside Blawnox, PA. The fur is spun into hair by master spinner, Rapunzalita Rosaria Beano and lovingly stitched into a beard by her cousin Hank O’Hara.
Glenda Hodgkins-Phartuccio, proprietrix of the Phartuccio Pharm-Raised Marmoset Ranch, reported profits of $5.2 billion to the IRS for 2013, up sharply from the $5.44, some pocket lint and a red M&M she reported the year before.
Glenda Hodgkins-Phartuccio was jailed in 2014 pending charges of using Cub Scout Troop #2 as illegal child labor. Photos in evidence show twelve Cub Scouts mounted on Great Danes rounding up a herd of marmosets in the dead of night. It is alleged that the children worked over 14 hours a night during Round-Up Week.
Glenda Hodgkins-Phartuccio advised the Gerald Ford '76, Alan Cranston '84, Bob Dole '88 and '96, Al Gore '00 and John McCain '08 presidential campaigns on labor issues.
Al Gore did in fact invent the internet.
How do we know? Well, for one thing, he told us so, literally a billion times.
Al Gore’s ex-wife Tipper has recently become engaged to Channing Tatum. They’re hoping for a large family.
Al Gore went through past-life regression therapy and found out he had been the ex of a stripper named Pole E. Anna, and their great-grandchild was the cat lady living next door to him.
Al Gore is the only one of Mama June Shannon’s fleet of baby daddy’s who has never been to prison, though only he and June know which child he is the father of (though it’s generally believed it’s not Honey Boo Boo).
Al Gore not only invented the internet, he also invented the Alphabet. Phabet was his childhood nickname, derived from him trying to say “fava beans” with an adorable infantile lisp.