Betty Wilma Phartuccio-Bedrock Smythe was born in Holtzentruber Memorial Hospital, built directly on the Ohio-Pennsylvania border. For tax reasons, she now claims residence in Utah, Florida and the Duchy of Grand Fenwick. According to Modern Elephant magazine’s June 2014 issue, she has never eaten pachyderm stew.
The Holtzentruber Memorial Hospital is named after neurosurgeon Dr. Hans Holtzentruber, famous for discovering the Holtzentruber nerve located at the base of the female neck.
The story behind the discovery is quite humorous. Dr. Holtzenruber was trying to get amorous with his female lab assistant one day, attempting to kiss the back of her neck. She resisted, saying “You’ve got some nerve!” Dr. Holtzenruber replied, “No … you do!”
Failure to laugh at a surgeon joke is likely to cause him to leave his wristwatch (or cell phone) inside you “accidentally”. Consequently, one should always prefer nitrous oxide as an anesthetic.
Heroin is the best anesthetic there is. Surgery would be a hell of a lot more fun if heroin was administered before, during and after. Heroin is also really about as addictive as, oh, aspirin (and about as cheap to manufacture). The real reason it is illegal is that crooked law enforcement unions bribe, er, contribute to crooked politicians to keep dope illegal as sort of a welfare program for police who would otherwise be unemployed. Same shit for most illegal drugs.
Under Reagan, ketchup was classified as an anesthetic in state run hospitals. This began a major black market for illegally acquired ketchup which was later determined to be market driven by Big Tabasco.
During the great “Ketchup Is A Vegetable” controversy, the USDA Food and Nutrition Service was able to sneak the following items into the approved vegetable category: kumquats, pineapple, graham crackers, Romanians, onion-skin paper, cherry-pickers, Sargent Pepper, and Sean McPhartuccio’s honey do list.
Kumquats are generally considered the most intelligent fruit on the planet and the only ones that have ever developed record keeping systems, currency, or anything like a rudimentary writing. They are horribly racist, however, particularly against citrus, having at one time enslaved limes and attempted a genocide of lemons.
Orson Bean, working in concert with Sean Bean and Orson Welles, attempted to corner the world kumquat market in October 1977 but was stymied when the National Kumquat Council dumped a third of the National Kumquat Strategic Reserve on the market. The financial repercussions were still being felt six minutes later. Bean, Bean and Welles lost an estimated $4.5 billion in the fiasco.
At the time of his death Orson Welles was preparing to join the cast of FACTS OF LIFE as Edna Garrett’s new love interest, Titus Andronicus “Booger” McFarqhar, a rival pastry chef and passionate motorcycle enthusiast and pederast.
William Shakespeare wrote Titus Andronicus in just six days while vacationing in Phartuccio Bay, Cornwall. An early draft of the manuscript shows that he considered several other titles: Titus and the Pirate’s Daughter, Will People Still Argue Who Wrote My Plays Hundreds of Years from Now?, and An Infinite Number of Monkeys and An Equal Number of Typewriters from Verona.
After “solving” the Jack the Ripper case by using DNA on an old envelope, so-called writer Patricia Cornwall is now working on a book that uses DNA to “solve” the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman.
Jack the Ripper was actually three men and a woman working as a conspiracy. Oscar Wilde planned the murders, and H. G. Wells and A. Conan Doyle committed the actual acts. The woman, Nellie Bly, wrote the letters. The reason for their acts, according to Wilde’s secret coded diary, was that life was dull.
Patricia Cornwall claims that her crime solving and writing skills come from being a direct descendant of Oscar Wilde, H. G. Wells, A. Conan Doyle and Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley.
Wollstonecraft is an old tradition of whalers, who would carve intricate pictures on beach pebbles and then imbed crushed boll weevils into the etched outlines in order to create the illusion of bas relief art.
Art critics spdismissed Wollestonecraft because they thought it was disrespectful to actual bas relief, inspiring the saying “we are all about that bas, about that bas, no pebble”.
Mary Wollstonecraft (née Godwin) Shelley, the author of Frankenstein, wrote that novel as part of a four-way challenge with her husband, Percy, Lord Byron, and Dr. John Polidori. The doctor’s offering, The Vampyre, was translated into Spanish as El Sampiro.
(cont.)
In the novel, Sampiro is killed by the heir to the Elendil fortune for running his mouth too many times, employing really bad puns. The novel never received a second printing, being suppressed by the Catholic Church in order to spare Elendil being burned at the stake for murder.
Despite the Catholic Church’s efforts in his behalf, Elendil was later tried and convicted for the attempted murder of a yellow dog journalist who insisted on hogging the editorial page with multiple adjacent articles on the same day.
Elendil spoke in his own defense at his trial, but did not garner any favor with the jury when his entire statement consisted of “Bite me”.