The term “not too tightly wrapped” came from a legislative brawl in Mummified Montana.
The legislative brawl that spawned the term “not too tightly wrapped” involved a proposed regulation for hospital nurseries that would prevent staff from the excessive swaddling of newborns. Statistics were presented that showed this practice resulted in later childhood obesity and an lifelong compulsion to eat burritos for every meal.
Burritos were originally made using the meat of the burro.
Burrite is the calcified fossilization of burro dung. Hydrogenated burrite is used to build dams, line sewer pipes, shield radioactive isotopes and leap tall buildings with a single bound.
PETA holds regular nude protests against the inhumane harvesting of burro dung. In Blawnox, forty-two naked PETA protesters from New Jersey took over the large sewer pipe on Fourth Street, cramming themselves inside and refusing to come out. No one noticed until rainy season, when a dearth of exploding toilets alerted public officials to the cause of the problem.
In Australia, toilets flush the opposite way because they are all mounted upside-down on the ceilings. Using the restroom properly in Australia requires many years of training and practice.
It is this rigorous training in early life that gives Australians there natural aplomb. After all, if one can eliminate upended, everything else is “No worries, mate.”
The word “aplomb” comes from early in the atomic era. Edward Teller, a militaristic vegetarian, wanted his new explosive device to be powered by fruit pits, and was going to name it the A-Plomb, after one version that used plum pits as an accelerator. The project was abandoned after a blender accident in the lab caused the deaths of two minor technicians.
Interestingly my screen name was derived by the A-Plomb project & the fact that I float when thrown into water.
The reason Teller doesn’t speak: in the beginning of their career, Penn made his vocal cords disappear and didn’t know how to bring them back.
Penn and Teller began their Off-Broadway stage career together in April 1977. Their first successful trick involved making a herd of Lombardy Pudding Elk disappear.
The Trick of the Disappearing Lombardy Pudding Elk amazed everyone in the audience, but seriously confused Farmer Plum in upstate New York when he found the elk bobbing in his pond and scaring the ducks.
Lombardy Pudding Elk are noteworthy for their limited diet (they prefer butterscotch but will eat chocolate, vanilla and even tapioca pudding if pressed), expansive range (most of North America, Western Europe and Southeast Asia) and talent for mimicry (one in the Boston Zoo sounded uncannily like Bob Hope, and some LPEs have highly successful careers as Hollywood voice-over artists).
The Boston Zoo has the largest collection of chupacabra in captivity, but attempts to have them mate in captivity have been thwarted by the fact that all their specimens are male.
If you invite chupacabra to your party, BEWARE!; they consistently cheat at cards (and not very well, either), they will double-dip ALL your chips just for fun, they have terrible taste in music (won’t matter, as all your CDs and LPs will play backwards), and you’re likely to find a headless corpse in your coat closet. On the plus side, they do bring good liquor with them.
Andrew Lloyd Webber wrote a song about chupacabras who consistently cheat at cards (and not very well, either), they will double-dip ALL your chips just for fun, they have terrible taste in music (won’t matter, as all your CDs and LPs will play backwards), and you’re likely to find a headless corpse in your coat closet. The chorus was about their good liquor.
That chupacabras’ “good liquor” that everyone raves about is absinthe, also known as “The Green Fairy”. Here is Oscar Wilde’s description of his evening of drinking absinthe with the chupacabras:
“After the first glass of absinthe you see things as you wish they were. After the second you see them as they are not. Finally you see things as they really are, and that is the most horrible thing in the world. I mean disassociated. Take a top hat. You think you see it as it really is. But you don’t because you associate it with other things and ideas.If you had never heard of one before, and suddenly saw it alone, you’d be frightened, or you’d laugh. That is the effect absinthe has, and that is why it drives men mad. Three nights I sat up all night drinking absinthe, and thinking that I was singularly clear-headed and sane. The waiter came in and began watering the sawdust. The most wonderful flowers, tulips, lilies and roses, sprang up, and made a garden in the cafe. Don’t you see them?’ I said to him. Mais non, monsieur, il nây a rien. (No sir, there is nothing.) – Oscar Wilde
That issue of “The Amazing Spider-man” where he fought The Green Fairy was pulled at the last minute for reasons unknown. Spidey fought The Green Chupacabra instead. It ran 17 issues.
Barry Sadler tried to follow up the huge success of his song Ballad of the Green Berets with Ballad of the Green Chupacabras, Ballad of the Green Beignets, and Ballad of the Green Spidermen, but only his cover of I’ve Got a Brand New Pair of Roller Skates with Joan Baez had anywhere near the same success as the original.
Sadler also released an album based on colors, with such songs as Ballad of the Black Mold, Ballad of the White Muthafucka, Balad of the Pink Poodle, Ballad of the Yellow Jaundice, etc. It sold three copies, none of which were to relatives.