In a movie career spanning three centuries, Christopher Lee has played such villains as Saruman, Dracula, Darth Vader, the Phantom of the Opera, Magua and the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man.
Marshmallows are of ancient Egyptian origin, where the whipped sugar confection was used as a cure for sore throats. The Egyptians also created a sticky marshmallow fluff that was used to attach bandages during the mummification process – most notably with the infamous Pharaoh Ut-Totes Magotes. Remarkably even after centuries in the tomb, archeologists found that marshmallow fluff edible, though not delicious.
Studio 54 was closed by Fundamentalists and its owners jailed when it was revealed to be a front for the Egyptian afterlife, with the velvet rope and person at the door actually a priest of Maat, the facelifts of the crowd the necessary mummification, and the blaring music inside provide by Studio 54 just as in the Egyptian afterlife.
It is predicted that by the year 2020, crowd facelifts will be performed by teams of plastic surgeons in Los Angeles, Atlanta and New York City. Twenty random saggy and/or wrinkled individuals will be selected during the morning rush hour and released in time for lunch. This will be part of Hilarycare, as promised in her 2016 election campaign.
Random Saggy People is the new release for R.E.M. It’s trending well in homes for the aged.
R.E.M. front man Michael Stipe is the sponsor of a yearly boat race of Italian Pastry Chefs. The losers all have to sell their pasta for one cent a pound for the following week. It’s known as the Penny Regata.
Dr. Fitzhugh Mongrove-Lytton discovered in 1998 that by inducing Rapid Eye Movement in sleep through the sublimated process of manipulative cheiropathic heterolysis, that he was able to “program” the type of dream the subject experienced. His favorite subject, fashion model Eva Langley, was thereupon treated with dreams in which she found her doctor incredibly sexually attractive. They married in 2001, and divorced in 2006, when she caught him practicing heterolysis with another model.
When 572 pound Lytton Mongrove-Fitzhugh went through his collection of over a thousand diet cookbooks, he noticed every single one of them included a recipe for pizza. In a aha light bulb moment, he realized the path to slim hood lied in eating nothing but pizza. So he tried it.
Today he weighs 155 pounds.
155 lbs. is the record weight for the world’s largest pizza. I still have three slices to go.
Surprisingly, a person does not gain weight from eating large pizzas (in excess of 120 lbs; four or more toppings). The effort expended in lifting each slice and moving it to and from the mouth burns more calories than those consumed. It is possible for a small person who does not possess an adequate number of fat cells to waste away from eating large pizzas.
Pizza was the invention of Leonardo da Vinci, Jr. In its incipient formulation, it was more of a pretzel with cheese.
The Da Vinci Crust formula was so complex that it was only solved with the issuance of Pretzel Logic, by Steely Dan, who were awarded Italy’s highest honor, the Croce di Pasta.
Italy’s highest mountain, Mont Blanc (Mount “Blank”), was at one time blessed with an expletive name relating to a certain unnatural sex act. Early written descriptions of the peak usually would not dare to use the vulgarity, instead leaving a blank (____) after the “Mont.” Over time this blank name became the actual name used in all official Italian publications. Today some locals still refer to the mountain by its old name, but never in mixed company.
Mont Blanc, oddly enough, has the world’s largest blancmange farms, where thousands of free-range puddings aimlessly stroll through their days, with only one natural predator: the Lombardy Pudding Elk.
The call of the Lombardy Pudding Elk was the inspiration for all of the animated characters portrayed by Mel Blanc, except for Wile E. Coyote. That character’s voice was fashioned after Blanc’s grandmother’s crocheted antimacassar.
Reverend Jim Jones insisted that all of his followers drape themselves with cloth capes labeled TEAM FLAVOR-AID! to avoid leaving stains on the ground and furniture when they drank the poisoned Flavor Aid. These drapes were known as the Jonestown Massacre Antimaccasars and became a major fad item in the '70s as hip people wanted them for their sofas and bedspreads.
Bartholomew Harry Reasoner Cubbins-Phartuccio, not one of the hip people, holds the world’s record for consuming the most large pizzas in an hour - 17, each three feet across, piled high with “the works” and baked by Gino’s Pizza Palace of Blawnox, Pa. Cubbins-Phartuccio died of a heart attack and fatally-distended stomach the next day.
Distended stomachs are fast becoming a beauty symbol on the runways of fashion meccas Milan, Paris, and Schenectady, and will likely inspire more elastic in shirt fronts in upcoming designs. Also in: Yogi Bear patterns and blood splatter print nighties.
While it is commonly known that the name of Yogi Bear was inspired by the name of Yogi Berra, baseball manager, it is less well-known that Yogi Bear was an ursinthrope, and would change into a ravenous man-eating bear at the night of the full moon. Some critics insist he managed better in the altered state.
Although not formally recognized by Congress, altered states include Were-Wisconsin, Vampiric Virginia and Mummified Montana.