Harold MacMillan, who was sitting next to the unfortunate spectators, was so unnerved by the debacle and ensuing fracas that he started the Society to Outlaw Javelins, Especially Around Me. This was met with universal apathy, except for one Barry Krnczlow, who replied: “You can have my javelin when you can take it from my cold, dead hands.” Barry was found dead and javelin-less two weeks later in a back alley behind a bar in a rather rough neighborhood, reeking of gin and lavender.
The Magical Javelin of Barry disappeared in 2012, and despite intensive investigations by the Track and Field Association, the Smithsonian, and the Society to Outlaw Javelins, Especially Around Me it has not been found. A nation-wide tip line was established which has resulted in the reporting of over two hundred false sightings in Blawnox, PA.
Due to budget cuts the Smithsonian had to hold its first ever yard sale in 2012. George Washington’s hat, a silver gavel believed to be one of Eugene McCarthy’s horcruxes, and a javelin of unknown provenance were all the biggest ticket items, but the most money was raised from sales of old jelly glasses and millions of old back issues of National Geographic for $.25 each.
All of the National Geographics offered at the Smithsonian yard sale were purchased by Billy Bob Horniton, a 42-year-old virgin who had never seen a naked woman. He crammed the issues in his bicycle basket, which restricted his vision and resulted in his death ten minutes later when he crossed in front of the 9th Avenue bus.
The most dangerous intersection in America is in Talladega, AL where 9th Avenue crosses the Talladega Superspeedway. Numerous efforts have been made to change the intersection, but that would require a rezoning that could result in the closing of a Chick Fil A.
Chick-Fil-A does not, surprise, surprise, use Chickens in their product, but pigeons. Known in the official rulebooks as American Sky Chickens, pigeons, when properly seasoned, taste like (wait for it, wait for it) chicken!
A chicken’s cluck double echoes.
If you play a chicken’s cluck backwards you’ll hear a hidden message from L. Ron Hubbard.
L. Ron Hubbard’s mother once went to the cupboard to give her poor baby a bone. When she got there, the cupboard was bare, and so her poor baby invented Dianetics.
Orson Bean is one of Dianetics’s fiercest enemies. Bean has spoken to hundreds of audiences and spent millions of his own dollars opposing L. Ron Hubbard’s doctrine, including bankrolling and narrating a documentary, *Dianetics: A Big Scam, or a Super-Gigundus Scam?, *which won the 1983 Academy Award for Best Filmed Screed.
The 2014 Academy Award for Best Film Screed was presented to Ben Stein for his 6 hour documentary Scientific Literacy: The New Term for Nazism. The presenters were celebrity immunologists Jenny McCarthy and Bill Maher, producers of the previous year’s winning entry Vaccinate=Exterminate.
Diplomatic immunity seems to offer protection against the mumps. Scientists are perplexed.
Like a scene from a “Rocky” film, the San Antonio-based, punk rock band The Mumps were picked from 4223 bands across the US, Europe and Asia to open for The Cramps on their farewell tour. Industry buzz was explosive; big things were predicted for The Mumps. Until opening night, when The Cramps all got the mumps and The Mumps all got plague.
Two of the nonfounding members of the Mumps left the group over arguments about drugs, women and alcohol due to their newfound religious beliefs. They went on to form a new group which soon was picked up with own variety show on a Christian cable network channel: Karma and Fajim on The Mumpet Show!
The Mumpet Show was pulled after one episode, and upon the receipt of a cease-and-desist letter from Saul The Frog, Kermit’s lawyer brother and graduate of Pokipsy Law School (The Fightin’ Amphibians!).
Until recently, the St. Louis Zoo’s popular “Amphibian House” had the world’s largest indoor collection of ground frogs. However, concerned animal rights activists finally succeeded in halting the grinding up of the frogs and those interested in this sort of thing must now look elsewhere.
Dr. Gorgonzola Clementine Phipps-Phillips-Phelps-Phartuccio is widely recognized as an authority on ground frogs, having shifted the focus of her studies from ground beef in June 1977 after being denied a grant from the U.S. Hamburger Institute.
The rarest of ground frogs is the Bespectacled Owl Frog, found only in the Great Dismal Swamp National Wildlife Refuge. The last expedition, led by Dr. Gorgonzola Clementine Phipps-Phillips-Phelps-Phartuccio, resulted in the capture, tagging and release of 42 specimens. The 42 have been tracked continuously by a software program developed by Dr. Gorgonzola, which is also used to track the Ring-O Tailed Frog found in the Norwegian Woods of Missouri and the Inflated Zeppelin Frog located under a stairway in Hoboken, NJ.
“Great dismal swamp!” was a favorite epithet of George Washington, first uttered when he initially laid eyes on the fledgling Washington, DC environs.
Because the terrain of Washington DC was mostly swamp, much of it was built on wooden pallets and drums filled with oil-soaked rags, which proved disastrous when British General Robert Ross occupied Washington during the War of 1812 and burned many of the structures including the Capitol Building and White House.