From the Island Times Herald Post: Lorenzo Lazarino III, formerly associated with Grim Repo of the Cayman Islands, announces the opening of his new business, the Indian Trade and Give It Back Auto Sales and Recovery Co., Inc. Off-island investors include Stanley Phartuccio of Bostwick, MA and Jennabella Lazarino-Pottingham of Blaxton, PA and Shropshire, UK.
The Uk (pronounced uck), not to be confused with the UK (the country), are a group of traveling performers who wretch and make grunting, guttural noises in unison. Founded in 19wisserteen, the group has performed for dignitaries and elementary school children across the globe. Not once has anyone enjoyed their revolting performance.
The Uk’s most recent tour included far-from-sold-out performances in Blawnox, Pa.; Medina, Ohio; Boise, Idaho; Pyongyang, North Korea; Delhi, India; Lagos, Nigeria; and Port Stanley, Falkland Islands. The Argentine government offered to give up its claim to the Falklands/Malvinas in perpetuity if the troupe pledged not to come to Argentina.
The Uk’s only two album releases (both in 1983), Grunting to the Oldies and Wretched Refuse did so poorly that the recording industry created a special sales category especially for them: ‘Tin’, which distantly followed Gold, Silver, No Sales, and Unrecorded.
A recent comeback attempt with an EP titled “Tin Ear” did no better. Roy Grunion, lead vocalist, was taken out into the streets of Warshmange and hanged in effigy, burned at the stake, hanged in reality, and then burned again. Then they put a stake through his ashes. Then they blew up the town square. Then an elite team of combat exorcists sanctified the area for 20 miles around. Efforts to nuke the city were thwarted by Hugh Grant, for some reason.
Coincidentally (and ironically), the real reason Buddy Ebsen didn’t get the Tin Man role in “Wizard of Oz” was not the makeup–he had a tin ear.
According to Hollywood gossip columnist Elvira Loggins-Phartuccio, actor Buddy Ebsen was a notorious Casanova whose lovers included Joan Fontaine, Lucille Ball, Vivien Leigh, Hattie McDaniel, Lionel Barrymore and Bozo the Clown.
The roles of Tony Montana and his trophy wife Elvira in SCARFACE were played by Pacino and Pfeiffer, but was intended as an episode of I LOVE LUCY. In the plot, Ricky needed money to redecorate the house so he turns Club Babaloo into a drug laundering front for the Cuban mob and, through a series of mishaps, takes over a cocaine empire, which Lucy wants to run and which Fred gets a Colombian necktie for snitching about (a plotline Vivian Vance insisted on). Unfortunately it was never filmed due to Desi and Lucy’s divorce, which was brought about by his womanizing and drinking and the fact she was an icy frog voiced bitch (which is not an insult- it was in the divorce ruling).
Icy Frog Voiced Bitch was Kermit’s nickname for Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy was engaged to Steve Martin (so was Linda Ronstadt); when Kermit found out, Martin’s career took an irrevocable nose dive. You don’t fuck with The Frog.
In a popular 20th century Russian fairy tale, a pretty girl kisses a frog who turns into a prince, whereupon he is taken into a basement and shot with his family. It’s actually one of the happier Russian fairy tales as nobody dies of malnutrition or typhus and while the girl is forced into prostitution she ultimately kills her pimp and marries a fry cook.
Chef Wolfgang Puck missed out on a job as a fry cook at the Billy Goat Tavern early in his career when he mistakenly thought they were asking for a fly cook.
Wolfgang Puck’s brothers Siegfried, Sigismund, Maximilian, Wilhelm, Manfred, and Bo formed the Austrian bluegrass band The Pluckin’ Pucks, most famous today for their cover of Fiddlin’ John Carson’s ‘Never Beat Your Wife on a Sunday’ and their 1979 knife fight with the Osmond Brothers.
Despite numerous attempt at plastic surgery, Orson Osmond has never been able to regain his foothold on stardom, despite every attempt by his sister Marie.
The Marie Osmond Doll Collection double as Ushabti and will come alive in the afterlife if Marie sings the incantation. The exact phrasing of the incantation is unknown, but it is known that it’s something Stevie Wonder recorded first and better.
Wonder Bread is based on an old Egyptian recipe discovered in the tomb of Pharaoh Ut-Totes Magotes. The original hieroglyphic name translates roughly to “Mysterious Loaf of the Daughters of Osiris” and was considered a holy food for the priest class. Frank Bench bought the recipe from archeologists and began baking the bread in Missouri in 1930. The packaging with its bright colorful ball design actually mimics the arcane artwork on the original papyrus-wrapped loaf. A true wonder indeed!
In 2008 the Wonder Bread Corporation reintroduced the papyrus wrapper to coincide with the latest Tutankhamun exhibit, but within days they were forced to recall all loaves because people were confusing the wrapper for the bread. Forty-two adults, sixteen children, and a Beagle dog in Iowa were hospitalized with extreme gastro-intestinal distress.
The heirs of the Tutankhamun estate sued Steve Martin for libel over his song “King Tut.” When he lost the suit, Miss Piggy broke their engagement, and Martin’s heart. For the rest of his life, he has won a T-shirt with two King Tut death masks on it, and the notice KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY TUTS.
According to The Guinness Book of World Records, Emil Longacre Osiris Thoth Set Imhotep Orson Bean Light-Horse Harry “Clem” Phartuccio holds the world record for “Most consecutive times singing Steve Martin’s ‘King Tut’ in a row,” with seven.
The weight requirement of the javelin used in Track and Field competion was increased overnight when a new world record throw (113.13m by Oskar Meier of Germany) sailed clear into the stands, impaling several spectators, one fatally (that poor stiff was the last hit, but he got the point right in the heart)