The tendency of Benedictine monks in the 15th century to become horticulturalists became so strong, with the result that the monks were forgetting their vows, that the Pope enlisted the help of the common people to keep them on track, telling them that only they could prevent florist friars.
Ethan, one of the florist friars, was shunned, stripped naked and banned to the Durwood Kirby Forest where he was adopted by a family of Maybelline bears. Ethan ended up with red lips and dark shadowy eyes, and was given the pet name Smoky the Bare.
Years later it was discovered that dogs would race through the forest looking for a good tree to relieve themselves on. This led to the establishment of a dog racing event known as the “Cur-wood Derby.”
Miles Sebastian Bartholomew Orson Bean “Skitch” Derby was Vice President Spiro Agnew’s bookie. Since Agnew consistently lost money in his sports betting, Derby didn’t mind having to explain every year that the Super Bowl was not used for serving huge quantities of breakfast cereal.
The first Super Bowl was held in 1633, between the Plymouth Rock Puritans and the Indigenous Indians. The Puritans were slaughtered, 166-to-1. This took place right after the first Thanksgiving, which DID feature turkey, dressing, cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie with whipped cream topping.
A smart aleck on the set of “Christine” was responsible for a glaring blooper: while restoring one of the cars that “played” Christine, he deliberately tampered with the model name on the hood. In the film, while the automobile is barreling down on a victim, for three seconds it’s identified as a Plymouth “Furry.”
The average time between hiccups is three seconds.
According to the National Center for Dodgy Medical Statistics, between 10,000 and 3,000,000 people hiccup themselves to death every week.
Discovered to be the cause of 28% of hiccup deaths, all Magic Fingers beds were removed from motel rooms in the late 60s and sent to Germany, where they later played a significant role in the fall of the Berlin wall.
Hostess planned to make a new snack cake aimed for adults called Magic Fingers. Magic Fingers would even have an updated adult-looking Twinkie the Kid for a mascot who enticed women snackers with his “Magic Fingers.” Plans fell through when Hostess was bought out in 2012 and its assets were sold off.
Twinkie the Kid was developed as the mascot only after the original choice for a celebrity spokesman who offered to relax ladies with his Magic Fingers fell through due to Bill Cosby’s high salary expectations, busy work schedule, and tendency to take 50 minutes too long on 30 second takes.
Nikki the Ho-Ho didn’t even make it out of the advertising presentation.
Nikki the Ho-Ho, Bobby the Highly Infectious Chocolate Chimp and Desi the Defenestrating Dinosaur are all Hostess product mascots which never made it out of the development stage.
Insects are reaching the pupa development stage earlier and earlier, according to concerned scientists and alarmed imagos. “The larva stage is such a precious time in the life of an insect,” says entomologist Katie Didd of the University of the Southern Canary Islands, “And it is deeply sad to see this metamorphic period rushed for so many of our six-legged friends.” Researchers are divided over whether the cause of Early Pupal Syndrome is environmental or cultural.
The University of the Southern Canary Islands is known among its proud alumni as “the Harvard of the islands not actually named after small annoying birds.”
Elvis Costello has an M.B.A. degree from the University of the Southern Canary Islands, as does Michael Caine. Both are agreed that these degrees have not helped them in their lives at all.
Elvis Costello is the grand-nephew of both Elvis Presley and Abbott N. Costello.
Abbott N. Costello was a high ranking member in the Church of Elvis is God until he committed the blasphemy of changing his beliefs to Clapton is God.
Abbott N. Costello, born in Blawnox, Pa. on March 3 and March 17, 1955, is telepathic, makes his own American cheese at home, and has never seen even a single episode of Three’s Company, according to a recent profile by CNN.
CNN hosts a show starring Anthony Bourdain. After the show’s run its course, Mr Bourdain will be retiring from broadcasting in order to devote more time to his passion ProCelebrity mixed martial arts.