Swiss spaghetti is different from Italian spaghetti in that it is made completely from wool.
American spaghetti, however, is generally made from a cotton/rayon blend, except in Arizona where it’s made entirely from hemp. American spaghetti was invented by Eli Whitney, shortly before he threshed Samuel F. B. Morse after finding out that Morse was “coding” his wife, Whitney Whitney.
Whitney Whitney’s daughter Marian married Marion Marian, the inventor of the Marion onion which was a hybrid variety produced by grafting the American spaghetti plant (Arizona variety) to a sweet Vidalia onion plant. The Marion onion is also known as the string onion, and can be peeled without causing one’s eyes to tear.
Whitney Whitney was a college sweetheart of future UN Secretary-General Boutros Boutros-Ghali. He took her out once for a mahi mahi fish dinner before they went to a concert by Yo-Yo Ma (which she confided in her diary was “only so-so”).
The yo-yo originally was never designed to go up, only down.
The yo-yo was invented by Orlando C. Phartuccio. He originally called it a Phartuccio-io, but that did not catch on. Then he tried “you-you”, “me-you”, “you-me” and “me-me”. All seemed lost for him until one day his good friend Sylvester Stallone came by and greeted him.
Sylvester Stallone has a tiny, full-color tattoo of Orson Bean playing badminton with Spiro Agnew on his left buttock.
Also of note, Sylvester Stallone doesn’t have a right buttock.
According to animation scholars, Looney Tunes cartoon character Sylvester the Cat was a metaphor created by the noted oligarchy advocate Franklin Merrie. Sylvester (from sylva meaning “woods” and -ester, “of” or “originating”) was a lout born and bred out of what Merrie disparagingly referred to as the “poor-hood”, and Tweety (Twees -“Wealth” and -tye “rightful”) was the rich but innocent chosen one forced to live in a self-imposed cage or nest to protect himself from the attacks of the stray-like agricultural class. Granny( Garanhei) represented the Government that was meant to protect the good wealthy from uncouth rural rabble. These poor-hood residents were unjustly angry at being forced to dine on old vegetables (“suffering succotash”). The bird, representative of the highest class (see Mille Bornes 200 card), must therefore constantly be on the lookout for a coup d’etat from these envious agrarians (“I thought I saw a poor-hood e’tat”).
The two criminals crucified along with Jesus, never identified in the Bible, went by the street names of Tweety Bird (a raging sodomite) and Sylvester the Cat (known for his boxing skills). They were considered the main attractions of the day, with Jesus being but an also-ran at the public event.
The last words of the three men were:
Tweety: Seriously, man, you’re name is Jesus? You don’t look at all Mexican, dude.
Sylvester: Whatthh up with the crown of thornthh? You thome kinda tree hugger?
Jesus: Father, smite these two fuckers now, will ya? I can handle the beating, the whipping, the nails. . .but another five minutes of this is gonna put me over the edge.
Although scholars still debate which was which.
Indeed, scholars do still debate this issue. Beginning in 2007 at Oxford, and moving to Cambridge in 2012, the crucifixion debate has continued nonstop. Over that eight year period, the spirited bickering* never once halted *— not during the month of the site move, nor even back in 2011, when noted New Testament scholar Yukor Ristte collapsed and died while arguing about Pilate’s licence to free Barrabas. The debate has so far had well over four thousand participants, and is a popular tourist attraction (though it must be noted that the ill will between several of the original squabbling scholars has spread over into the legal courts and threatened to create a non-welcoming environment to the more thin-skinned of the observers). By most accounts, the “Tweety as sodomite on the cross to the left side” has the upper hand, though it seems the determined opposition is nowhere near ready to throw in the towel.
Just after Vatican II, Mars, Inc. came up with the idea of special packaging for M & Ms to celebrate the Easter season. It was a dismal failure–the wrapper showed a picture of Jesus just after the Resurrection, wounds prominently displayed. Millions of Catholic children on Easter Monday had a field day pointing out to anyone within earshot that Christ couldn’t eat M & Ms because they would fall through the holes in His hands.
The people’s pope, Pope Francis, has recently declared that Vatican III will take place in 2017, God willing. At that conference it is expected that the Catholic Church will reverse its age-old commitment to celibacy for the clergy, to allow birth control and abortions, and, more unexpectedly, to sanctify Orson Bean as St. Orson in light of his many miracles.
St. Orson’s qualifying miracle is known as The Mighty Miracle of the Musterdeen Moonshine Still, when Orson turned the rot-gut, barely tolerable faux whiskey in Clyde Musterdeen’s home-made still into a fine Château Lafite Rothschild 2010 Red.
Château Lafite Rothschil,d who will celebrate his 102nd birthday on May 4, 2015, goes by the nickname “Red,” having been born on Star Wars day (May the 4th be with you)"
Château Lafite Rothschil,d suffered a terrible punctuation mishap when his parents reported his 1913 birth to the Blawnox, Pa. Bureau of Public Records and Lingerie.
Records and Lingerie was supposed to be the fifth Dean Martin/Matt Helm movie, but when they had the film 90% completed, the producers realized the script was really from a popular Arthur Hailey novel, so they bought the rights and changed the title to Airplane!
Chester A. Arthur, 21st President of the United States, never had a vice-president because he saw no use for the role. Having served in the position before the assassination of James A. Garfield in 1881, Arthur had such a contempt for the VP job that he declared that the national treasury “should never spend a single dollar on such a fool’s errand as the Vice-Presidency.” Indeed the Vice-President before Arthur, a certain William A. Wheeler, only stopped by Washington every month to pick up his check, according to historians. Little is known about Wheeler, and some scholars speculate he may even have been a fictitious character invented by President Rutherford A. Hayes, who was known for his imaginary friends (he appointed at least two to his cabinet). When Grover A. Cleveland took over the leadership of the United States in 1837, he allowed Thomas A. Hendricks, his next-door neighbor from New Jersey, to play as VP in order to pay for his wife’s lipstick habit. Hendricks died mysteriously after only eight months in office and the US would not have another VIce-President for seventeen years.