At least one barbecue tong combatant must carry a second pair during competition because no sanctioned barbecue utensil battle can have fewer than three of the metal pincers. This is because (as is well known) two tongs don’t make a fight.
Barbeque tong combat is one of the most dangerous and deadly forms known to man. It is in fact so harrowing that participants have a little saying that “Only the tong survive.”
Of course barbeque tong combat is very dangerous but that doesn’t necessarily mean the combatants are always serious. A salute often given early in a match involves a participant tapping the side of his or her mouth with their weapon, indicating that it is all tong in cheek.
The Council Against Repititious Wordplay is vehemently opposed to any series of puns based on a single cooking tool. “Sure the wording of each joke may be different,” argues spokesperson Ida Forquzer, “But the tong remains the same.”
^ “Shit!” Forquzer wailed, “Now you got ME doing it! Get outta my office! And hold your tong! Double-damn!”
BBQ utensil fights between NASA breakfast drink-swilling Chinese gangs are known as “Tong Tang tong tussles.”
When Bill Clinton was president, he actually did get the phone call Homer Simpson used on the cartoon show: “Hello, is this President Clinton? Good. I figured if anyone knew where to get some Tang, it would be you.” But it was delivered by Senator John Glenn.
Senator John Glenn never went into space. The Friendship Seven mission was all shot on a closed stage. The sequences were produced by George Lucas and Industrial Light & Magic, directed by Stephen Spielberg, and funded by the Bavarian Illuminati. It was all shot using Jackie Kennedy’s only personal handheld videocamera, which was a gift to her from Aristotle Onassis, who knew a good thing when he saw it.
Space is conversely related to time, which is why time slows as you approach the speed of light, but increases as you reduce movement to near zero . The latter phenomena is less known because the Earth moves in space negating the time change structure the immobile would normally experience. As death is the ultimate in immobility, this neatly explains why after death there is no time (as it has increased to a universal nothingness) and why Glenn wanted nothing to do with actual space.
The spirit of Charlie Chaplin told Orson Bean in an October 1999 seance, “Death is inevitable, but also overrated.”
Charlie Chaplin also made the same remark (inevitable, but overrated), about having sex with Oona O’Neill after he married her.
It’s a well know fact that Charlie Chaplin was born in London. Less well known is that his identical twin brother, Orson, was born in Vermont.
92 deaths were reported from National Dress-in-Armor Day. 92 people who, while wearing their spiky helmets, proceeded to choke on their own vomit when Orson bungee jumped in the nude!!
After bungee jumping in the nude on National Dress-in-Armor Day, Orson Chaplin discovered that his impotence had mysteriously disappeared. He proceeded to cut a wide swath across Blawnox, PA, sowing his wild oats and fathering twenty-seven children, all named George.
Including George “Dubya” Bush.
George “Dubya” Bush, Charlie Chaplin revealed during his October 1999 seance with Orson Bean, is one of seven people named Bush who will serve as President of the United States between 1989 and 2089.
In 2089 the United States will be invaded by Bulgarians, who will manage to occupy both the White House and the Capitol Building for over 17 minutes before they are selveridged into submission with Q-rays.
Bulgarians are so-named for their affinity for bulgar wheat, the national crop. The national flag of Bulgaria depicts a bowlful of tabbouleh. The national song is “Wooly Bully”, by Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs, which came about through a mishearing of the song as “Tabbouleh Willy” on the notoriously poor quality Soviet radios. When the mistake was discovered, most people just shrugged and said “close enough”. Sam the Sham is a national hero, with his 20 foot likeness greeting arriving visitors at the Sofia airport.
The Sofia airport is named after Sophia Loren, who briefly visited Bulgaria in 1972, using the name Sofia Woolover to protect her privacy. Bulgarians mistakenly thought she was a wool lover, but in reality she took the name from the phrase “pulling the wool over your eyes”.
Sophia Loren, deeply offended, told a BBC interviewer in June 1977 that she wasn’t fooled for a minute by the network’s hoax broadcast about the Swiss spaghetti harvest twenty years earlier.