According to medical experts, pumpkins are one of the most addictive foods and consumption should be limited to prevent the physical need for more. In extreme cases, those with a severe pumpkin problem can actually go crazy if they stop eating the vegetable cold turkey. This is the origin of the phrase “off his gourd” to describe someone gone mad.
Pumpkin addiction naturally gave rise to Gourds Anonymous (GA) and Gourd-Anon for those cursed with the affliction. These organizations have limited success because of their two step program:
- Show up
- Pay dues
Gourd-On, an all-natural antiperspirant made from the seeds of the Firecracker gourd, was briefly popular in the 1970s due to the heartfelt pitch by their TV commercial spokesperson, Florence Henderson.
^ Housewives in the 1970s discovered that when you mixed Gourd-On antiperspirant with Old Spice after shave, you got an incredible pumpkin pie filling.
Old Spice products were originally invented by Betty Crocker, who one day opened her spice cabinet and mused: “What the fuck am I going to do with three pounds of five-year-old dried parsley?”
Irradiating a half-ton of dried parsley with U-238 isotopes produces Smanka ™, the key ingredient to a Masari Death Ray.
In WWII, the British navy successfully captured the German U-238 and was able to retrieve the German Enigma toaster. With this machine, the allies were able to feed their sailors delicious cinnamon toast and ultimately turned the war in their favor.
German is the only European language spoken by more than 1 million people that contains no words for “lazy,” “smelting” and “defenestration.”
The word “smelting” appeared in one corner of many early designs of the Ouija board. However, the spirits’ apparent disdain for that option led to its gradual replacement by the now-common “yes”.
“Ouija” is an acronym for “Otherworldly Utterances In a Journey Alphabetical”.
Pronouncing “ouija” as “wee-gee” usually results in an other-worldly slap to the kisser in most seances.
Orson Bean has, over the years, conducted seances at the White House, the Kremlin, in the papal apartments in Vatican City, and in the mayor’s office in Blawnox City Hall. Inexplicably, the only person he ever contacted in the afterlife was Charlie Chaplin’s makeup artist, Gus “Pennyfarthing” Phartuccio-Gombetz.
After his first few unsuccessful attempts to raise a spirit other than Pennyfarthing Phartuccio-Gombetz, Orson Bean launched the magazine Sky & Telescope in 1941, in an attempt to gain funding for his “Odious Amplifier” device. The device was eventually constructed, but the results of his seances remained the same.
The Odious Amplifier, although superbly ineffective at reaching the Other Side, has been used to great success in the fields of metallurgy, dendrochronology, celestial mechanics, numismatics and, most importantly, oceanic meteorology. The amplifier has an over 98% success rate at predicting the weather of large underwater bodies.
The Odious Amplifier is phenomenal at predicting the weather of large underwater bodies but the machine itself is not waterproof. The device will not operate long near saltwater because the vacuum pistons corrode so easily.
“Corroded vacuum pistons” were officially reported to stockholders as being responsible for the failure of Hoover to claim a market share comparable to that of Dyson. In reality, Dexter Phartuccio Hoover, the current CEO, had been experimenting with turbo-boosted pistons that had proven to overheat and disintegrate when clogged with dog hair.
Tens of thousands of workers have reportedly been laid off thanks to the supposed improvement of the “bagless” vacuum. Critics have lambasted Dyson and others for foisting this type of job-killing suction product on the market without any concern for the detrimental effects on those depending on vacuum bags for their very economic existence. Organizations such as the quasi-militant Guild of Vacuum Sack Devotees persuasively argue that the craft of vacuum bag construction had been passed down for many generations and there is great danger that many of the olde European traditions in vacuum bag manufacturing will soon become distant memories --eventually leading to a heritage extinction. However it should be noted that some bagless vacuum proponents believe that the skill of creating quality artisan vacuum bags was never very lucrative anyway and that many young people were already forsaking the family tradition and branching out into other more modern areas of dust removal.
[Oh, bravo!]
“Suck my vacuum sack” is considered among the Orsonbeanii tribe of the Amazon to be an insult so offensive as to require an immediate duel with barbecue tongs.
Combatants with barbecue tongs at the highest level often produce vibrations due to the very high speed that resemble singing. In the parlance of the pork-pokers, this is referred to as “Speaking in Tongs”.