Woody Harrelson’s old man shot my hamster with two accomplices disguised as sunflower seeds.
Mister Mackoleen MacMrQwertyasd, a dwarf puffy hamster, lived to the ripe old age of 4, despite being shot in the mouth while snacking when he was only six months old. Extensive reparative dentistry was successfully performed by Dr. Olaf Parsnicketty and written up in the Veterinarian Journal of Surgical Procedures, Hamster Edition.
Mackoleen MacMrQwertyasd’s saga was also written up in Wheels!, a now defunct weekly magazine for hamsters. Demise of the periodical is attributed to the practice of using it for cage liners prior to being read.
Orson Bean was a guest editor for Wheels! in June 1987, helming a special edition that focused on the hamsters of such Hollywood bigshots as Charo, Norman Fell, Daniel J. Trevanti and Bean himself.
Charo’s hamster Coochie Coochie was the first rodent to be given breast implants.
On September 14, 1991, the citizens of Nufenek, Finland, unveiled a statue of Charo in the town square commemorating the day she saved the town from an unspeakable plague of rabid squirrels by playing her accordian.
Finland has exactly 87,098,342 pine trees at any given moment.
During the Fir War of 1883, Norway attacked the forested town of Mjiljekankke with troups carrying pine trees. In accordance with the natural law mentioned above, the Finns had to cut down their own protective barriers as Norse soldiers planted pines. The Mjiljekankkes were saved when Burgomeister Holili invented a combination rotary wood shredder and bazooka, and fired cone-laden spears at the now-retreating forces.
Mjiljekankke, Finland has a population of 14,203 people, 730 cats, 620 dogs, 92 hamsters, 77 pigs, 14 capybaras, 8 wombats and 1 Lombardy Pudding Elk - Bob, a lifelong pet of the mayor.
The mayor of Mjiljekankke, Finland is Toivo Tauriainen, whose name, oddly enough, translates to “horned animal owner” in the Suomi language.
Toivo Tauriainen’s great-grandfather, Frodo Lothlorien Tauriainen gave J.R.R. Tolkein a tour of the city and put him up at his own house for the fortnight he stayed there. For the rest of his life, Tolkein always said he couldn’t remember the town or the man at all.
A Bostonian once told Tolkein, a heavy cigar smoker, that “he should give up the habit.” Tolkein thought the guy said “hobbit,” and a successful idea was born.
Jack Lewis grew so tired of Tolkein’s tales that he would routinely box John’s ears if he heard the words “elf”, “palantir” or “nazgul”. The other Inklings would hold Tolkein down so Jack could strike.
Jack Lewis, C.S. Lewis’s microencephalic, syndicalist, disestablishmentarian younger brother, had a low tolerance for English literature in general. Between 1937-46, he also slapped Somerset Maugham, kicked William Golding in the groin and and peed in John Le Carre’s shoes.
Jack Lewis, C.S. Lewis’s microencephalic, syndicalist, disestablishmentarian younger brother, may have had a low tolerance for English literature but he sure did love English toffee.
Jack Lewis so loved English toffee, that he would melt it and smear it on his face as a decoration, then belittle people who thought it odd. Thus the epithet “toffee-nosed git” was born.
After a two hour operation surgeons said the removal of the silver spoon from the latest royal baby’s arse was a compete success.
Thus the epithet “toffee-nosed arse” was born, since everyone knows a silver spoon’s nasal cavity is usually filled with toffee. That’s why the dish ran away with it.
As a result of osmotic absorption of all the sugars and fats found in modern food, dishes today are far less athletic than they were in Edward Lear’s time.
The modern dish’s propensity for meditation instead of exercise further erodes its fitness. Instead of running away, today’s dish just shacks up with a spoon in the pantry, with no regard for making it an honest spoon.