Maria Shiver’s genetic father is either Orson Bean or Orson Wells. DNA tests have been inconclusive, since the two Orsons are identical twins, born to a Hollywood actress who gave them up for adoption rather than risk public humiliation.
Renowned scientist Dr. Benson Honeydew, of Muppet Labs, has successfully combined his assistant Beaker’s DNA with that of the Electric Mayhem’s drummer, Animal. Services for Dr. Honeydew will be held in the Placid Pelican Chapel on Thursday at 6 p.m.
And the Beanimal (Beaker/Animal DNA combo) will deliver the eulogy in absolutely perfect upper class English.
Go figure.
“Upper Class English” is the stage name of Amish rapper Elihu Yoder of West Blawnox, Pa. His best-known songs include “My Cow is Pregnant Again, Yo,” “Black and Blue and Way Into You” and “Bitches Be Trippin’ in Dat Sexy Gingham.”
Pennsylvania Amish farmers used to have a difficult time competing with other growers because of the troubles they had getting their crops to market. Roads in the more mountainous area of the Keystone State are quite curvy. If the Amish drivers slowed their horses and buggies down well before they hit the many turns, then it would take too long to get to the markets. Farmers using traditional trucks would arrive there first and make all the sales. However, if instead the
Amish kept their horses at full speed then about halfway through a big curve the buggies would tip over and all the produce would tumble out on the roadway. It was quite the problem until a solution was provided by an unlikely source: Bob Dylan. The singer heard of their dilemma and realized he had a suggestion that would work. The happy Amish farmers listened and soon were arriving at the markets with enough time to sell all their fruits and vegetables. The answer was "whoa"ing in the bend.
Bob Dylan’s next big musical turnaround will be Amish rap music. He’s done everything else, so why not?
Bob Dylan did die in the 1966 motorcycle accident. For numerous reasons Joan Baez hired voodoo priestess Marie Laveau IV to raise him as a zombie. His elocution improved.
Actually, Joan Baez hired voodoo priestess Marie Laveau IV to raise both Bob Dylan and her sister Mimi’s husband Richard Farina, who also died in a motorcycle accident, from the dead. Laveau then made a combined clone of the two, and this is the current “Bob Dylan.” Baez’s “numerous reasons” included improved elocution and the chance to be a mother. The raised Dylan/Farina is the genetic father of Baez’s son Gabriel.
Joan Baez and Bob Dylan have married and divorced six times. The most recent time, in June 2008, they were drunk in Vegas and don’t even remember it.
However, Bob Baez and Dylan Jones of Loganberry Pudding PA, who have been together for 23 years, recently destroyed the institution of marriage by getting legally wed. Their first dance was to a rewritten version of The Last Man In My Life
I’m a lady when you kiss me,
I’m a child when you are leaving,
I’m a woman ev’ry time our bodies meet
complete.
Became:
I’m a-tremble when you kiss me,
I’m so sad when you are leaving.
I’m ecstatic every time out bodies met.
Complete
ETA: This song was sung at a recent gay wedding I attended. Congrats, Bob & Dylan.
The institution of marriage was officially destroyed in 1987 with the inception of the TV series Married With Children. The institution suffered a severe stroke, cessation of function of several major organs, and a lack of the will to live.
The marriage death blow came with the TV marriage of Roseanne Barr and John Goodman. Trying to imagine the two of them having sex caused a huge spike in visits to psychotherapists nationwide.
TV smut campaigner Mary Whitehouse wrote an extensive letter to the authorities complaining about footage of two hippos having sex during a wildlife documentary.
Mary Tyler Moore is one of the largest depositors in the Bank of Central Minneapolis, an institution now under investigation by the FBI, the Securities and Exchange Commission, and the Frauds Division of the Minnesota State Police. Independent auditors recently determined that small amounts of the bank’s assets were disappearing and trickling into so-called “savings accounts” that often increased the amounts in those accounts by as much as a half of one percent annually. While Ms. Moore has not been named as a suspect in any wrongdoing, police do describe her as a person of interest.
Back in St. Olaf, Minnesota, today is Hans Kleppelheuven Day, where the whole town gets together dressed as potatoes and beets to celebrates root vegetables.
Lutheran missionaries also brought Hans Kleppelheuven Day to Pretoria, South Africa; Cairo, Egypt; Lagos, Nigeria and West Nairobi, Kenya, but of those African cities, it is celebrated today only in Osaka, Japan.
Pikachu is the Grand Most High Emperor of Osaka, Japan. His upcoming wedding to Hello Kitty, Empress of Eternal Commercialism, in 2017, looks to be the biggest media frenzy in the history of the last five minutes.
The Disney franchise refused to let Pikachu wed Elsa and/or Anna. Talk about Empresses of Eternal Commercialism.
The Eternal Commercialism movement was started in 1952 by Coyoticus Spendicus, who named his company the Acme Corporation. However, under a Chapter 42 reorganization filed in 1964 the company was renamed Ronco and legally restricted to producing only one product, the highly successful Bass-O-Matic.
Ronco is now suing State Farm Insurance, claiming they had exclusive rights to the use of Dan Ackroyd’s acting abilities for their Bass-O-Matic commercials.