In addition to Native Americans, guests at the First Thanksgiving included John Alden’s sister Barbara who showed up very needy and whiny after her third divorce and with a godawful casserole made of gluten free glutens and pumpkin rind that not even the dog would eat. Though completely uninvited and presumed to be back in Holland (it’s still not known how she even got to Massachusetts) she not only invited herself to stay at Alden’s house but by claiming bad back got his bed while he had to sleep in a pile of ashes.
It was rumored at the time that Barbara Alden had an affair with Massasoit, leader of the Wampanoeg tribe. Miles Standish had pranked Ms. Alden by telling her that “massasoit” was Indian for “Stands With Large Erection”. Massasoit threw her out after 20 minutes, telling brother John: “Bitch be cray-cray, yo.”
Massasoit, leader of the Wampanoeg tribe, was in fact underendowed by Indian standards, something which was often pointed out by the Wampanoeg’s ancestral enemies the Phartuccoegs, who dubbed him “Big Chief With Not Much Under Loincloth.”
The term “loin cloth” is a relatively recent descriptive for something that covers one’s privates. The Wampanoegs actually used a native word that translates loosely as “hoo-ha rag”.
In ye olde times, the Loin Cloth was used by royalty to serve the choicest bits from ye olde pige and cowe. It only morphed to something to cover one’s genitals when King Skippye III of Denmark was caught naked in the boudoir of a rival king, feeding bits of sheep loin to the king’s wife. Hastening to make a quick escape, he grabbed the Loin Cloth to cover himself and leaped out the window. Sadly, he was on the fourth floor of the castle and plunged to his death with his dangly bits in clear sight. The cloth fluttered down after him and, oddly enough, landed exactly over what he had been trying to hide.
The Wampanoegs are thought to have originated near present-day Blawnox, Pa., which they left at the first opportunity. “Blawnox” is Wampanoegesque for “Stinky Place From Which We Should Depart With Alacrity.”
“Alacrity” is actually Wampanoegen for “as many riches as we can carry.”
Alternate ethnophilological names for the tribe’s primary language (accounting for the difficulty of transliteration into English) include Wampanoegesque, Wampanoegen, Wampanoegish, Wampanoegian, Wampanoegi and Wampanoegphartuccioese.
Tribes related to the Wampanoag (corrected spelling) were the Narraganset, Patuxet, Nantucket, Massachuset, Atcheson, Topeka and the Santa Fe. The three latter tribes were founders of the railroad empire of the same name.*
*None of these goofy “facts” are intended as slights to Native Americans, and I sincerely hope none of them have offended any board members.
The railroad was invented by Peter James Railroad, who named it after himself. The bastard son of Wilbur Pond Phartucchio and Iva Railroad, he was a self-made man whose success in creating the form of transportation was curtailed when the very first engine ran of the tracks and crushed him beneath its wheels.
Peter’s younger brother Edward was forced to take over the business, even though he didn’t want to. He was known as Railroad Ed.
Driven nearly mad by the incessant demands of running the Railroad Railroad, Edward Railroad faked his own death after three years at the head of the company, changed his name to Edwina Challenger Fairloch Definitely-Notrailroad and went to live in a yurt just outside Blawnox, Pa.
Edwina’s daughter, Track, was known for her fine caboose.
The cabooses of the Railroad Railroad were all painted pink with large, sky-blue polka dots, causing untold mirth among the much-more-butch other railroads’ workers.
Andrew Lloyd Webber is working on a rewrite of “Starlight Express” called “Railroad Railroad.” It will feature the history of the Railroad Brothers, and the on stage pink with large sky-blue polka dots cabooses will look FABULOUS.
Coming soon to the Orson Bean Dinner Theatre, located in Blawnox, PA.
Andrew Lloyd Webber’s brother, Skippy, invented the Weber barbecue. He felt that dropping the extra ‘b’ classed up the product in a certain indefinable way.
ironically enough, Skippy Lloyd Weber shares his brother Andrew’s allergy to peanuts
Peanuts, pecans, leechee nuts and walnuts are the three kinds of nuts typically carried as snacks aboard Korean Air Lines jets. The smart passenger just takes them however the stewards serve them.
The word ‘leechee’ is also often spelled lychee, litchi, lichee, or - for unknown reasons - ‘farquar’. Noted actor Pete Postlethwaite once shouted at a KAL attendent: “Fookin’ ‘ell, wot sorta fookin’ shite are ye servin’ me, ye bloody wanker?” Pete was not arrested, as nobody could translate what he said into Korean.
Beijing porn star Lee Chee is best known for his films Crouching Tiger Hidden Schlong, Dragon Schlongs, House of Flying Schlongs, and for dubbing Fonzie’s role in the Chinese version of Happy Days, in which it is edited to make Fonzie and Mrs. C cuckold Mr. C…
Arthur “Fonzie” Fonzarelli, played by Henry Archibald Winklesmann III, was the star of Happy Days, More Happy Days, Still Enjoying Those Happy Days and Can We Finish Up with These Fookin’ Happy Days Already for Chrissakes? (1971-93) before Winklesmann faked his own death and went to live with Edwina Challenger Fairloch Definitely-Notrailroad in a yurt just outside Blawnox, Pa.