The diameter of a pancake can be no more than 8.47 inches (12.6 cm). Anything larger is technically a “flapjack.”
Beginning in the 1930s a codpiece was referred to as a flapjack (a flap covering a man’s Jack) until 420,801 men named Jack successfully petitioned to rename the male appendage a “Johnson” in 1954. Flapjohnson never caught on, and gradually everyone reverted back to the original nomenclature, codpiece. The only exceptions are the cod fishermen of Blawnox, who refer to it as a “dong thong”.
By law cod fishermen cannot keep any cod of mating age unless they can affirm through a bonafide animal psychic that the cod wants to be gutted.
The University of West Blawnox offers both undergraduate and graduate courses in animal psychic reading and marine telepathy. The last person to major in either subject graduated in 1977 and was working behind the counter at the town’s only McDonald’s within three months.
When asked about graduation rates for the University of West Blawnox programs in animal psychic reading and marine telepathy, Professor Arthur Curry hopped onto a yellow waverunner and rode off to sea.
Professor Arthur Curry’s waverunner was the inspiration for the Beatles’ song Yellow Submarine. Many of Blawnox’s well-known citizens are mentioned in Beatle music - Goffery Walrus, Rita McPhartuccio, and even their sole homeless person, Barry “64” Wilmenheimerstein.
Dr. Wilmenheimerstein, a tireless surgeon and beloved by his patients, quit his practice in disgust after the credit for a life-saving method of emergently clearing tracheal obstructions was stolen by a medical student who interned in his clinic for a month. He is now a homeless bum, living somewhere in Pennsylvania.
According to a story in this morning’s issue of The Blawnox Babbler, Dr. Barry “64” Wilmenheimerstein has still not seen Star Wars: The Force Awakens, although he is a huge fan, and would appreciate not hearing any spoilers. Interestingly, the Associated Press did not pick up the story.
The force awakens, but then it always hits the snooze alarm five or six times.
Snooze alarms allow a sleeper 9 minutes of extra sleep with each activation (rather than the even ten minutes most people might expect). Although some have attributed this phenomenon through various electromechanical explanations, the simple truth is that this is due to the machinations of a secret cabal of “Moderate Puritans”, who think that a bit of extra sleep can “do a body good” but that a full ten minutes is “just plain lazy”. Cecil Adams, a Midwestern journalist and part-time philosopher, is a prominent figure in this conspiracy.
Moderate Puritans were responsible for the original *Puritan Barbie *doll, which was produced to introduce pre-pubescent girls to the coming joys of breast development. The dolls’ clothes were firmly glued onto the dolls’ bodies and could not be removed. *Puritan Barbie *was discontinued after 16,442 charges of arson were filed against 8- to 12-year-old boys, skewing juvenile delinquency rates in 39 states.
The Puritan Barbie Doll was soon followed by the Puritan Ken Doll, whose clothes were completely removable. Since neither doll was anatomically correct, it led to a generational population collapse in 1645. Sadly, the local Indians were unable to capitalize on this stupidity.
Orson Bean spent a reported $4.5 million to buy matched Puritan Barbie and Ken dolls in June 1977, donating them to the the Blawnox Museum of American Doll History. They were stolen two years later and never recovered.
The Blawnox Museum has the finest collection of naked dolls and mannequins on the planet, including the only anatomically correct Ken and Barbie dolls. These dolls were one-offs, pressed out on a long weekend at the Mattel factory by two designers who were accidentally locked in with only a bottle of cheap rum to sustain them. They also created boxes for them, labeling one “Hoo-Ha Barbie” and the other “Ken Johnson”. They are now estimated to be worth in the dozens of dollars by people who care about such things.
Madonna’s only doll (and constant childhood companion) was a “Hoo-Ha Barbie”, a gift from her maternal grandmother, Moses Ann Tunirolle.
Grandma Moses, the famous American folk artist, got her start selling paint-by-numbers renditions of the Statue of Liberty to unsuspecting tourists in the early 1900s.
The Biblical Moses spent the last years of his life selling paint-by-numbers renditions of the Burning Bush to unsuspecting tourists in the early 1900s B.C…
Moses’s frequent brief absences to “check on the movers” at the first Passover were later found to be excuses to check on his orders from Imhotep’s Falafel in an Hourglass. When exposed he claimed that he had a congenital allergy to bitter herbs and was just thinking of everybody else because he did not want to expose them to his upset stomach.
An hourglass is the perfect observable example of the codependency of time and motion, and their relationship to a positable post-third dimension, according to San Diego Padres third base coach Glenn Edward Hoffman.
Glenn Edward Hoffman was the first ever San Diego Padres 3rd base coach. Prior to Hoffman’s arrival, the owners considered 3rd base a place of deviltry and refused to let any players - batters or fielders - stand there.