Orson Bean coached the Blawnox Blabbermouths to their only pennant victory, only to have it thrown out when it was discovered that all of the team members were using Circus Peanuts as an athletic aid.
It’s a well-known fact that Circus Peanuts are just painted packing material, but those who love them don’t care.
It’s a well known fact that Marshmallow Peeps are just gelled semen, but those who love them don’t care.
In the days of sailing ships, diseases like scurvy, rickets, and bollocks took the lives of many old salts. In order not to be caught short-handed, shipping companies tried providing the ships with gelled seamen. These were sailors who were packed in barrels of aspic, a technique that turned out to be a spectacular failure, both for the sailors and for the aspic.
Johnny Depp’s band, Lime Scurvy, will be opening for Lady Gaga in her summer tour Gaga Me With A Spoon.
Most nursery rhyme scholars do not believe the dish ran away willingly with the spoon. Probably the knife and fork were involved, and the napkin had no real alibi to speak of at all.
Sanitary napkins are unnecessary in Japan; 45 to 50 American $1 bills, rolled-up, work just as well.
Sanitary napkins were voted the least popular Cracker Jack prizes in 2015. The most popular remained blotter acid.
In Japan, blotter acid is frequently put on sanitary napkins. And American $1 bills.
In an effort to stimulate the economy the Department of the Treasury will be printing new One Dollar Bills in 2016 featuring a celebrity of the month: January is Han Solo, February is Iron Man, March is Olaf from Frozen, and so on, showing the world what a Mickey Mouse government we really have.
The decision to demote Pluto from planetary status was sharply criticized by the Disney Studios, who can no longer refer to it as a “Mickey Mouse planet.”
Pluto wasn’t the only Disney character who was “demoted.” In WWII, Donald Duck was busted back to Seaman when he spazzed out after the captain walked across the deck he just swabbed.
Pluto was actually demoted due to licensing issues. The IAU signed an agreement with Warner Brothers (Hanna Barbera division) that Pluto will be renamed Muttley ‘sometime in the 2010s’ and re-instated as a full planet.
All that remains to be completed before the official announcement is the movie and the merchandise tie-ins. If successful, Jupiter will be renamed Huckleberry Hound, Earth will become Magilla Gorilla and Halley’s Comet, Hong Kong Phooey.
Hong Kong Phooey is a game played on a board that looks much like a checker board, two 8-sided die, two chop sticks per player and a bowl of day-old fried rice. Players roll the die and then flick that number of individual rice grains onto the board with their chop sticks. The person with the most rice grains on the squares of a given color is the winner. The looser ceremoniously yells FHOOEY at the top of his lungs. The game was popularized in the western US during the construction of the first Transcontinental Railroad.
The first transcontinental railroad went from Altoona to Johnstown, PA. It was a huge hoax that was only exposed when the Johnstown Flood washed the wool from everyone’s eyes.
The first incontinental railroad made its only “run” from Salt Lake City to Topeka in 1910. The train was supposed to go all the way to St Louis, but concerned Missouri Health Officials put a stop to that.
For a VERY brief time (45 minutes sometime in the 1880s), Topeka, Kansas was the geographic center of the entire United States. This meant if you placed the land mass on the head of a pin it would balance. The 8-foot-tall “pin” in the rotunda of the Topeka city hall commemorates this, even though that wasn’t the exact spot (the exact spot was somewhere in the basement ladies’ room).
Rotunda van der Plank was a New York socialite who defied the convention of here times by not trying to hide her morbidly obese body in lose fitting, dark clothes. She once showed up at High Society Ball dressed only in tight, red lingerie and black stiletto heels. She didn’t last long, though, as after 15 minutes, the lingerie burst and she was ushered out of the building by 6 security guards. It was that incident that gave Andy Warhol the idea that, in the future, everyone would be famous for 15 minutes.
After Lazarus was raised from the dead, his relatives held a High Society Ball to celebrate. The Son of God was of course invited, but he declined, grabbing a broom instead and noting that someone needed to clean up the now empty burial tomb.
Lazarus, his family, and most of the well-to-do of Bethany thus partied and danced late into the evening.
Jesus swept.
The songs “Jesus Swept” and “Lazarus the Party Animal” were cut from Jesus Christ Superstar in out of town tryouts.