Judy Agnew, wife of Spiro and avid gardener, spent much of her time in the White House gardens, often singing a charming little ditty featuring the lines “slugs and snails are after me, DDT keeps me happy…”
Judy Barnstaple Phartuccio dated a sloth wrangler in Odessa, Texas before meeting Spiro Agnew, her future husband, at a Forbidden Planet convention in Blawnox in 1958.
Sloth wrangling was an early offshoot of Snake Handling, which was itself an offset of Anglicanism caused when Archbishop Mortimer bet hgis brother prelate Cardinal Randolph the sum of 1 American dollar that he could get gullible American Episcopals to pick up rattlesnakes and convince them it was dogma.
Dogma is the highest grossing Kevin Smith film, pulling in an amazing $39 at 3655 theaters across the US and the Maldives.
$39 is of course what Kevin Smith paid for a hand job in the Maldives from a hooker named Jewel Phartuccio. The agreed upon price was $40, but Kevin Smith had forgotten he bought a 99 cent junior bacon cheeseburger from Wendy’s earlier that day.
Captain D’s is the official restaurant and largest employer in Maldives and is so beloved it is mentioned in their national anthem:
“We love you, oh Maldives
Most beautiful islands in all the seas
From your atolls and coral reeves
To the new drive through at Captain D’s.”
Once a year an employee is chosen to become the ritual wife of Captain D in a major native festival and she will live as a goddess until the fryer oil needs changing.
Sloths favorite food is used fryer oil, and they’ve been known to break into fast food places to get it.
The world’s largest tank farm for used fryer oil is just northeast of Blawnox, Pa. A June 1977 study by the U.S. Commission on Unhealthy Food Preparation-Derived Energy Sources estimated that, if the oil were burned, it could provide electricity for all of Puerto Rico for seven months, and would smell “really, really bad, like rancid french fries or something, you know?”
The US Commission on Healthy Food Preparation has determined that eating one deep-fried sloth every day for 100 years will assure immortality. However, nobody has been able to do this.
Chef Gordon Phartuccio, well known as the host of Blawnox Kitchen, has perfected the deep fried sloth recipe so they’re nice and crunchy on the outside while soft and juicy on the inside. Chef Gordon Phartuccio recommends eating deep fried sloth with his world famous paprika ranch dip.
Chef Gordon Phartuccio’s world famous paprika ranch dip is rumored to have fire ants a a “secret ingredient.”
Gordon Ramsey visited Chef Gordon Phartuccio on an episode of Kitchen Nightmares. The episode never aired and Ramsey spent seven months in a psych ward after yelling “It wasn’t a chicken… it was a BABY!”
Chef Gordon Phartuccio’s only reply to Gordon Ramsey’s mad howling was “Nobody puts chicken in the corner.”
Serial killer and repeat mailbox vandal Billy Ray Oscarhammerstein requested Chef Gordon Phartuccio’s Cicada Alfredo for his last meal at the Goody Nurse and the Devil Memorial Penitentiary, knowing that it would take 16 years before enough Cicadas were ready for roasting. He was instead eaten by the Orca in the prison’s marine mammal training program while awaiting his last meal.
Orcas are also known as “killer whales” (North America, Western Europe), “panda fish” (China, Botswana, Paraguay) and “Putin aquatic mounts” (Russia, Uzbekistan, Whereverstan).
Putin is in the Guiness Book of World Records for having the largest stuffed panda collection, the largest living panda collection, and the largest panda rug collection.
Putin’s great uncle Greg was known for such soulful ballads as “To Tsaritsa With Love” and “Clog Little Baby” and for a voice so raspy it earned him the nickname RaspPutin.
Putin put out a book of great word plays under the nom de plum RaspPUNtin.
His A Midpunner’s Night’s Dream was not as well received as either his Antony & Cleopuntra or his MacBetty Sue.
Under an English law dating back to the 12th century, Shakespeare’s ghost was permitted to file a lawsuit against Putin.