The men of the Bean’s Budget Bowl-a-Rama Summer League had a special phrase for back-to-back strikes of the huge pins, calling them “Big Knockers”. When the ladies of the Bean’s Budget Bowl-a-Rama Summer Tea Party and Bowl-a-thon heard about it, they painted all the men’s balls bright pink in protest.
The first perfect score of 300 in bowling was achieved in 1387, on March 11th, by Scammashee Phartuccio, despite his having a glass eye, a wooden leg and suffering a petit mal epileptic fit. The rival team showed their displeasure at losing by beaning him with a wrought iron bowling pin, tying a large rock bowling ball to his pierced nether piece, and drowning him in Loch Nuffathat.
The original octopus from outer space.,a highly intelligent being, was sent back in time and into outer space, hoping he’d land on Scammashee, an uninhabited water planet in the Phartuccio galaxy.
However, one of the engineer’s tentacles went out of control and beamed the monster to earth, where fortunately it landed in Loch Nuffathat.
The Phartuccio Galaxy was Blawnox Motors bestselling automobile. To date it is the only car to feature a fully functional urinal and a four foot sharpened lance for a hood ornament. Advertisements featured James Dean and Jayne Mansfield crash scene photos and the slogan “They totally didn’t get killed in a Phartuccio Galaxy, now did they? We haven’t killed a celebrity yet.” Unfortunately the use of hydrogen tires was ruled a fire hazard and the lack of side windows made it feel claustrophobic to some.
The Phartuccio Galaxy was named as the fifth-worst car of all time in a special June 1977 issue of Car & Driver magazine. Edging it out were the Ford Edsel (unimaginative styling; goofy name), the Ford Pinto (ugly; cramped; blew up too often), the Chevy Defenestrator (occupants routinely flung from windows in crashes) and the Chrysler Hedgehog (crumpled into a 3x3’ ball at the slightest touch).
Other bad cars include the Dusenberg Elitist which required the chauffeur to be chained, the Studebaker Sloth with its maximum speed of 3 mph, and the DeSoto Expedition, which tended to get hopelessly lost and dumped in the Mississippi.
Only eleven Studebaker Sloths were ever built. Their absurdly low top speed, marmoset-fur hubcaps and three steering wheels made them less than popular in the Fijian market for which they had been intended.
Sloths have this nasty habit of showing up after the party’s over and asking Hi, am I late?
“Sloth Party” is a big reality show TV hit in Blawnox. The winner is the last person to show up. The record is 792 days, held by Sampiro “Sloth” Phartuccio, who won a dozen wrist watches and a pet sloth.
Sampiro “Sloth” Phartuccio took his new pet sloth out on a walk and was gone for over three days.
Sloths are related to anteaters, though they used to think they were related to koalas until they tried one of those on line sites that tell you your ancestry and boy were they surprised.
When the koalas heard about this, they had their ancestry tested and it turns out they are related to absolutely nothing and nobody.
No wonder they always look like sad little orphans.
Koalas have a treaty with octopi that will, according to Dreamtime prophesies and best evidence as processed by the Kathy Lee Griffin Scientific Institute for Thinking About Stuff, ultimately result in their seizure of Tasmania, Florida, and the Canary Islands. If the puffins ever join the alliance, we might as well ask their terms for peace.
Sampiro “Sloth” Phartuccio’s pet sloth is the head of the Sloth Undercover Alliance to Seize the Kathy Lee Griffin Scientific Institute for Thinking About Stuff. Sloths do not like thinking about stuff.
Tchogg, the earliest known Neanderthal philosopher, was stoned to death by his companions because he not only thought about stuff, he wouldn’t shut up talking about it. They had no clue as to his meaning, so they thought him insane and took appropriate measures. All we know of him came from his disciple Not-Tchogg, as recorded by the early Etruscan historical writer Phlogisthon, whose entire works are lost, but are recorded in quotes by Epilures of Cymander, whose works are also lost, but are recorded by Damas of Noblesville in his four-volume set Things We Almost Forgot.
The rock group Neanderthal Philosophers had a big hit with Tchogg the talking sloth, but they were all stoned to death, both figuratively when they all smoked some bad weed and literally when they did this at the bottom of a mountain that had a world’s largest, fastest and biggest rock slide.
Sloths are actually capable of great speed and can run up to 40 mph over level ground, but are, as a rule, so unmotivated, lazy and, well, slothful that they just never want to.
A sloth named Benjamin Disraeli O’Hara-Sorenson finished the Boston marathon in 8 years, 3 months, and 4 days, beating out two Bassett hounds, Ed Asner, and a team from the local DMV office.
The animal mascots for the local DMV office are snails, sloths, and skunks.
In a 1968 profile for Good Housekeeping, Republican Vice Presidential candidate Spiro Agnew said that his favorite animals were “snails, sloths, skunks, skinks and smaanks.” Asked what a “smaank” is, he replied angrily, “None of your damn business.”