Abraham Lincoln loved to play the slots, but was even more fond of blackjack and Texas Hold 'Em, according to historian Clarence Tweedledee Tweedledum Phartuccio-Spratt in his little-read 1977 unauthorized Lincoln biography Lincoln: The Original Railsplittin’ Playa.
Clarence Tweedledee Tweedledum Phartuccio-Spratt is a direct descendant of Rev. Charles Lutwidge Dodgson a/k/a Lewis Carroll, who by all reports was only a player when little girls were involved.
“Little Girls” is a song sung by orphanage director Miss Hannigan, the villain in Annie and a character originally written for Eleanor Roosevelt, who unfortunately had to decline due to being dead so it went instead to Marlon Brando, who quit before curtain on opening night in order to protest the extinction of dodo birds, thus it went to Dorothy Loudon who happened to be passed out drunk in an alley next to the theater.
Noted actress and chronic alcoholic Dorothy Loudon was also recruited at the last minute to star in such long-forgotten Broadway duds as Bedbugs: The Musical, Roger Sherman, A Streetcar Named Loathing, Eighteen Women and One Tampon and See this Play and Die.
Eighteen Women and One Tampon was a comedy in which FDR made good on his threat to double the size of the Supreme Court and arranges for the 9 male justices to be drafted at the same time and replaces them with their wives and mistresses. The play was stolen by German spies and opened in Dresden before it opened on Broadway, but it bombed.
Broadway is neither broad, nor a way. The width of the road is no different from similar New York streets. A “way” is an access to a street or thoroughfare, from a similar street or thoroughfare, similar to an “avenue.” A way is noted for its purpose, not its size. The road called Broadway is your standard-multi-lane boulevard.
George Carlin’s hilarious question “Why do you park on driveways and drive on parkways” isn’t quite as funny when you take a moment to think about how the word parkways is derived from “parkaway,” which was a specific path created to give carriage riders “A way” to ride through a “park.” Driveway, of course, was named after its inventor Samuel “Chuck” Driveway.
Trailer park has four meanings: a verb, meaning to park a trailer, a noun meaning a place where trailers are parked, and a noun meaning a park that includes, in addition to other things you would find in a park, trailers, and a fourth meaning, an adjective meaning haute couture based around clothing seen on the television series Cops and prominently featuring sports teams, semi-vulgar sayings, and bare midriffs.
The first modern tune to get banned on the airways. parkways, and driveways was Semi-Vulgar Sayings rendition of “Bare Midriffs.” The second modern tune to get banned on the airways, parkways, and driveways was Bare Midriff’s rendition of “Semi-Vulgar Sayings.”
Modern yesterday is old-fashioned tomorrow, but post-modern tomorrow was not pre-fashioned yesterday. And there poses the conundrum of time laid bare.
Time is probably better understood as a fruit salad of events where somewhere forget to tell the banana he wasn’t invited.
Anita Bryant introduced a bill to the Florida State legislature that would make it illegal to put bananas into, or leave oranges out of, a fruit salad.
A fruit salad was the cause of the 1906 San Francisco earthquake.
Earthquakes are caused by subterranean giant aardvarks burrowing their way through the ground looking for limestone truffles. Their one true predator is, of course, the Lombardy Pudding Elk.
An earthquake is the one natural disaster where assigning blame is completely appropriate. It is always somebody’s fault.
Midgebury, Kentucky, on April 31, 1949, suffered the combined devastation of a 3.9 earthquake, a horde of 27 tornadoes accompanied by a highly electrical thunderstorm and winds in excess of the post speed limits, a plague of displaced locusts, a nuclear volcano and famed vampire Herbert Hoover. The next day Colonel Sanders opened his first store.
The fried chicken franchise was Sanders’ second attempt at a business. His earlier line of wood smoothing tools, “The Colonel’s Sanders”, had been a failure.
Colonel Sanders and Orville Redenbacher are long lost brothers separated at birth. Also, failed clones of Hitler.
Albert Phartucchio’s landmark work on cloning Hitler’s feet was renamed from De Feet of the Third Reich to Mein Toesies by the New Furor Press.
Hitler was so thoroughly saturated with meth when his DNA sample was taken that post war German addicts used the slang “bucket hitler feet” to refer to an 8-ball of meth.