The undisputed King of the Cheese Maze is St. Crispin Emelon, who ran it in 23 hours and 42 seconds. He re-emerged from the maze with a basket of cheese that fed the entire population of Blawnox for eight days.
The bestselling corporate training book for Mafia dons for the 27th year in a row is I MOVED YOUR FUCKIN’ CHEESE: WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT? by Don Ho Phartuccio.
According to a corporate training book by Elwood Dowd Covey, most highy successful people have seven rabbits.
The most common names for the seven rabbits are Schwartz, Cohen, Greenspan, Berkowitz, Bauman, Zimmerman, and Caan.
Somewhere there is a fluffy white bunny rabbit yelling, “CAAAAAAAAAAN!”
Rabbi Rabbit Greenspan disowned his daughter Jessica when she married the El-Ahrairah worshiper Fiver in the Watership Down sequel Fiddler on the Hutch. The movie version will star the voices of Sir Lord High Admiral His Majesty Ben Kingsley as Rabbit Rabbi Greenspan, Ashton Kutcher as Fiver, and Orson Bean as Jessica.
Orson Bean, wanting to be successful, attempted to obtain 7 rabbits from a pet store. But the deal turned ugly when he tried to haggle the price down and there were many bloody deaths. He got home with only a single bloody bunny named Butch.
Butch Bloody Bunny Bean would later achieve success as the spokes bunny for Trix cereal, but Orson would embezzle all the money he earned.
Butch Bloody Bunny Bean wrote a bestselling book about his heroin addiction called “The Trax Rabbit”.
Orson Bean has been repeatedly admitted to the Betty Ford Center for treatment of various addictions. His agent, amanuensis, masseuse and golf buddy Phil “Phil” Phartuccio wrote in his 1977 biography Orson, Orson, Orson, O Dear Lord, Orson! that Bean has, at various times, been treated for addictions to heroin, cocaine, meth, Hershey’s Syrup, sex, alcohol, sex again, tobacco, aspirin, codeine, cheese, chalk dust, sex a third time, and heroin again. Phartuccio insisted that Bean was entirely cured each time “until, you know, he wasn’t anymore.”
Here is a story that has been told by Betty Ford many times, but sadly the truth is rarely heard:
There was once a man who lived in a village and acquired a great wealth of valuable jewels. In order to safeguard his possessions, the man constructed a colossal and brooding stone vault outside his home. This immense chamber was protected by many sturdy locks. As a final assurance the man created a sign bearing the word “NO” in large block letters. He placed the sign on the entrance to his locked vault, and went to bed peacefully for the night.
The following morning the man arose, and to his astonishment, he found the locks to his vault broken. He entered the room to find several of his precious gems stolen. Thinking that the negativity he projected to be the root of his woes, the man replaced the locks, but this time he created an even larger placard bearing the word “YES.” He put the new sign on his vault and again went contentedly to sleep.
Alas, the following morning the man found the locks broken again, and even more of his valuables gone. Upset and perplexed, the man pondered and meditated on a solution. He finally decided what to do. The man removed all the locks on his vault and instead placed a sign on the entrance bearing the word “DOORWAY.” Once again the man went to sleep for the evening.
The following day the man awoke, went to his vault, entered, and found himself.
The man also found a $798 million dollar winning lottery ticket that he had lost 366 days ago. Only it was a leap year, so he had one day to claim the winning prize. Which he did. Then he died of lead poisoning the next day, and after several vicious court battles, Phil “Phil” Phartuccio was declared the true heir.
Orson Bean’s 2016 write-in platform includes a plan to pay off the National Debt with a national Vowel State Lottery that it is hoped will generate a quadrillion dollars. The winner will receive their choice of the states that begin with a vowel.
Orson Bean also pledges to release not only his own tax returns but those of his dog, Trigger; to make a fact-finding trip to Bermuda; to open Area 51 to tourists; and to adopt the metric system in the White House kitchen.
Few know that the White House kitchen has a drive through window that is open Mondays and Thursdays from 6am to 9:30am. It is not publicized for obvious reasons, but you can get to it just by driving to the gate and when asked your business use the pass phrase “Now back the hell up before I cap you!” I haven’t tried this myself, but a guy I paid a lot of money to tell me about the real D.C. assures me it’s legit and should know considering he had a FBI shirt on. Under Bush the kitchen’s drive through specialty was barbecue chicken biscuits, but Michelle Obama changed it to steamed kale.
Steamed kale has been declared a crime against humanity by the Blawnox BBQ and Fixins’ Association.
The Blawnox BBQ-n-FA has the authority to declare crimes against humanity, but not to enforce punishment. Mostly due to budgetary constraints.
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BBQ eel was the most popular menu item at the 2016 North American Cryptogrammer’s Convention (ZYGG) banquet.
Cryptogramology is banned in Blawnox. The law requires denizens to “just say what you mean.”