Classless Meese was Ed Meese’s Puritan 11th great grandfather who sailed with his wife Frigidity aboard the ship Urethras, arriving in the colony of Shrimp PoBoy Bay on the holiday of Orsonmas, 1627.
Orsonmas is an obscure movable feast of the High Church of Lombardy, but not found on the liturgical calendars of any other Christian denomination. Hallmark stopped making “Happy Orsonmas!” cards in 1977 after selling just three the year before.
The three Orsonmas cards sold in 1976 were sold to people mistakenly thinking it was to commemmorate the day Orson Welles ate 17 Pink’s hot dogs, a 9 course meal at Ma Maison, three joint roasts at the L.A. Serf and Turf Club (a medieval themed beef place), a cotton candy covered in chocolate syrup, and 5 wafer thin mints, all before going to dinner at Big Kahuna Burger with Alexander Kerensky, John Wayne, and a not yet born Winona Ryder.
The Bacon Brothers will be releasing an Orsonmas-themed CD this year. If it does well, expect to have future albums from Beyonce, Kanye West, Gilbert Godfrey and, of course, Elendil’s Heir.
The Orsonmas family is well known for their wholesome and family-oriented singing. The two most famous siblings, Donny and Marie Orsonmas even had a variety show in the 70s. Their popularity will likely be eclipsed soon by Donny’s grandson Philbert Orsonmas.
Orson Bean, of course well-known for being a Semi-Reformed Dubuque Wiccan, does not celebrate Orsonmas.
As a child Stanley Phartuccio believed in Panty Claws and would carefully hang his Orsonmas Bucket on his bedroom doorknob so Panty Claws could fill it with pastries, chewing gum and Lombardy Pudding Elk Pops.
There was talk, many years back, of adding Lombardy Pudding Elk to the “Otter Pops” line-up,* but Lombardy Pudding Pops were given the green light, instead. For three days; they were vile.
*Louie-Bloo Raspberry, Poncho Punch, Rip Van Lemon, Sir Isaac Lime, Strawberry Short Kook, Alexander the Grape and Little Orphan Orange.
According to prominent naturalists, otter pops usually let the otter moms run the family because the males exhibit much more shyness than the females. An otter father is often afraid to say what he thinks, but an otter mother will almost always speak ermine.
The 1960’s rock group Steppenwolf have written a musical about otters called Hermine.
The musical Hermine ran for just three performances Off-Off-Off-Broadway in June 2007; the first two were sold out to J.K. Rowling fans who couldn’t spell and thought it was about Harry Potter’s strong-willed, bucktoothed, frizzy-haired gal pal.
Harry Potter’s strong-willed, bucktoothed, frizzy-haired gal pal kind of resembles an otter, don’t you think?
From the time he learned to form sentences until the day he was murdered by his wife in the Blawnox Charity Hospital delivery room, Kretchmar Borgadocious ended every utterance with “Don’t you think?”
Kretchmar Borgadocious’s wife, in a psychopathic fit, stab hI’m 97 times with a scalpel. Screaming “DON’T YOU THINK?” between every stab. She now spends all of her time in a padded cell, constantly muttering “don’t you think?” to herself between meals of thorazine-spiked oatmeal.
Toddlers who eat nothing but oatmeal will grow up to be healthy brose and gruels.
Lt. Brosun Gruels was Capt. Orson Bean’s wingman in the U.S. Air Force’s 354th “Hollywood Helldivers” fighter squadron during the Korean War. They flew eight combat missions together and each time got lost on the way back to base.
The initial battle of the Korean War took place in Italy, when North Korean soldiers invaded the Vatican. Archangels with fiery swords beat them back, causing them to majorly rethink their strategies.
“Invade the Vatican,” took the #2 spot on Hillsong’s Holy-hot Hundred last week, just getting edged out of the top position by Brittany Spears’, “No IUD 4 Me.”
Cardinal Guglielmo “Howlin’ Dawg” Bartolomeo-Scruggs was the first high ranking Catholic prelate ever to be respected in the blues community. His 1940s recordings “Absolve Me, Baby”, “Got Them Miscellaneous Mussolinious Blues” and “My Dog Run Off and My Woman’s an Eternal Virgin” are considered the essential pieces of the short lived Vatican Blues sound. Unfortunately all known copies that survived the war were sat on by Junior Samples when Cardinal Bartolomeo-Scruggs guest starred on Hee-Haw, where he did at least get kissed by a cartoon pig wearing overalls.
In 1609, Pope the Righteous Phil St. John constructed a labyrinthian maze below the Vatican. Many speculate that it was built to house the Catholic Church’s gold and valuables but it was really put there so St. John could run younger priests through the maze for cheese.