The North American strawberry, Fragaria virginiana did as much as anything to enable survival of the Jamestown colony in the early 1600s.
Scurvy (caused by vitamin C deficiency) was ravaging the colony, which was on the brink of extinction, when Indian princess Nicketti (a niece of Pocahontas) hit on the idea of feeding strawberrys (a good vitamin C source) to scurvy-ridden colonist patients.
All the scurvy patients quickly recovered, and in gratitude Nicketti won immortality by becoming the honorary or real ancestor of 10s of 1000s of Americans to this day due to her contribution to their survival. That includes me: 1,000,000% reliable family lore has it that I am a direct descendant of the illustrious Indian Princess Nicketti.
Nicketti was the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandmother of John Lennon, who wrote his tribute to her in Strawberry Fields Forever. He also immortalized her daughters Lucy, Sky & Diamonds.
Strawberries are neither straw nor berries but a species of legless and faceless marsupial closely related to opossums, raccoons, and the McAllister family of Blawnox.
The angry mob that killed the McAllisters missed only one: seventh son Billy Joe, who escaped to Tallahatchie where as of 1967 he was reported to be happy and well respected in the community pass the biscuits please. The mob has meanwhile entered mob therapy to deal with anger issues.
Mob Therapy is one of five courses being offered by the Psychology Department of the University of West Blawnox in the upcoming fall semester, along with Savoring Sexaholism, Deviant Psychology and How to Cultivate It, I Bet You Can Kick Your Gambling Addiction, Let’s Toast Alcoholism and Drug Addiction: No Big Whoop, Really.
The University of West Balwnox is really just a vending machine that vends a different pamphlet for each “course” offered. Most of the courses are horrible out of date since the vending machine only accepts pieces of eight.
Old pieces of six were more valuable than pieces of eight because they were bigger. There were four pieces to the eight, but only two pieces to the six.
“Two Steps to the Left Eleven Taps to the Right, and Twenty-Three Skidoo” was the original formula for doing the Rocky Horror Show when the musical first premiere in London’s West End in 1973.
“Two Steps to the Left, Goose Steps on the Right” was the planned code name for the Bernie Sanders/Donald Trump debate that never happened. It would have been huge.
According to a right wing nutjob I was talking to today, Donald Trump has done better in marriage than Hilary Clinton. Apparently two failures is better than a 40+ year marriage.
Collectors and gourmands are besides themselves with excitement over the release of the new 2016 Election Gravy Boat from Hamilton-Waite. This historic collectable features Donald Trump backgrounded by a fierce eagle on one side, and a smiling Hillary Clinton and waving American flag on the other. A patriotic representation of a symbol of America’s freedom, this minutely detailed gravy boat is crafted from the finest in subdued sham porcelain. “The 2016 election is like no other,” notes Laura Tobey, Managing Design Expert Detail Artist at Hamilton-Waite, “And this one-of-kind gravy boat commemorates this unique moment in the American electoral experience.” The price of this gravy boat is only four easy payments of $39.99 plus processing with a strict limit of four boats per collector. Each individually numbered gravy boat comes with a Certificate of Certification, and can hold up to 8 ounces of gravy. This offer is only available while supplies last, and once these gravy boats are gone, no more will be crafted. Own an important piece of history today!
“A gravy boat is the closest Donald Trump has ever come to military service,” much-decorated former Marine Orson Bean said in an interview with *Lombardy Pudding Elk Fancy *last week in the magazine’s special Election 2016 issue.
Pennsylvania’s largest gravy boat the SS Mondale capsized in Lake Lombardy near Blawknox on Monday. The Coast Guard was called but since Lake Lombardy is landlocked, they have no way of getting there. Reports differ but environmental damage of the gravy spill is estimated at well over $58.67.
Elk can mate with moose, but they refuse to do so due to blatant classism. Moose (singular, Meese plural) are generally considered the hillbilly cousins of the deer family and score far lower on placement tests or General IQ tests than any other species, plus they are notoriously bad at picking up on any kind of social cue.
Orson Bean bet $58.67 that Elk can mate Moose in less than 15 moves. Check mate in 20. It is not known if he won the bet, or was eaten by a herd of angry classist and classless meese.