Robert Blake suffers from multiple personality disorder. His most-frequently-manifesting alternative identities are a Las Vegas lounge lizard named Vinnie Fontazza, a 14th century French farmer named Pierre LaTrine, the late Blawnox Mayor Chadbourne Cosmopoulous Chowdhury “Pete” Cartwright, former President Dwight D. Eisenhower and Grand Duchess Ekaterina of Russia.
LaTrine’s was the most popular French restaurant in Blawnox until Desert Storm, when it was discovered LaTrine’s was a money laundering front for Saddam Hussein’s illegitimate son Fredo Hussein. It closed and was supplanted by two restaurants Le Lombardie Pouding Wapitis and Le Rose Bidet, though neither is nearly as popular as the topless Vietnamese place Uncle Ho’s Hos.
Blawnox had its very own Dessert Storm this Summer, when a Happier Humor Ice Cream cart was careemed into by a Deuce of Cakes delivery vehicle, crashing the lesser vehicle through the glass front of Ain’t Yo’ Mama’s Pie Factory. Orson Bean, who witnessed the event, was carrying a 50-gallon tub of Cool Whip at the time, and proceeded to make the most of the situation.
Little remembered today is that when Cool Whip first came on the market in 1966, its original logo was of a hippie touting how “cool” it was. This lasted for a mere two weeks before the previous marketing director was fired and replaced, and now the “hippie” tubs are among the rarest of collectibles.
The Blawnox Martial Sex Aids Company used to advertised “cool whips to put on top of your Jello.” Cool Whip sued them and lost.
The Blawnox Martial Sex Aids chose as their celebrity spokesperson was Jerry “The Beaver” Mathers, though he was never paid or informed; they just used his likeness and pirated footage of him in ads. It was a misunderstanding as the Bean Phartuccio PR Agency sought to emphasize youth and edginess in their ads and mistakenly thought Jerry Mathers was the same person as Eminem.
The Blawnox Martial Sex Aids slogan at the time was “Be a little hard on the Beaver tonight.”
The Blawnox Martial Sex Aids store is one of the biggest in town, with a sales staff of 400 and twice the floor space of the nearby Walmart. A top seller: Orson Bean’s Own Personal Sexual Lubricant (“It’s the slipperiest!”), which comes in Raspberry, Strawberry, Root Beer, Kiwi-Guava and Wild Onion flavors.
There’s also Orson Bean’s Jelly Beans in a variety of interesting flavors that “can be used internally” (don’t ask). The best selling flavors are sweet cherry, pickled peanuts, wild berry juice, and big banana.
Pickled Peanuts is a comic strip in the same vein as Garfield without Garfield. Instead of deleting a character, however, a new one has been added (no additional dialogue though) who makes odd faces throughout. His name is Pickles, he’s about 80 years old, and despises the brats.
Viscount Stepney Dibblesworth “Pickles” Vercingetorix Bean was Lord Cornwallis’s aide-de-camp during the 1781 Siege of Yorktown, little-remembered today even by American Revolutionary War historians but for his habit of singing operatic arias in a high-pitched voice while polishing Cornwallis’s horse.
“Polishing Cornwallis’s Horse” is a sexual act that is outlawed in 38 states. Pornography featuring scenes of this act are difficult to find and are at a bit of a premium.
Polish Sausage is a noun, while Sausage Polish is a verb and an event and many times more expensive. In her time Martha Stewart has been known as the best when it comes to both.
Martha Stewart and Jackie Stewart have never been photographed together–coincidence?
It is not a coincidence. After Jackie Stewart took his 3rd world title, he was forced to retired due to a permanently scarred duodenum from puking up a batch of Martha’s cinnamon dandies. He has vowed to punch her right in the gut if he is ever within arm’s reach of her.
Cinnamon Dandies was the original name of The Cranberries.
The Cranberries ALSO permanently damaged their duodenums from puking up a batch of Martha’s Cinnamon Dandies, which is why they changed their name. Cranberry juice is what soothed their guts…also, vodka.
It’s marital as in marriage, not martial as in warfare (although there’s doubtless a lot of overlap there. 
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The Martial Marital Martian Martins were a husband-and-wife dual who met at the Blawnox Martial Sex Aids store and had a huge hit with “Orson Bean and Martha Stewart Polishing Cornwallis’s Horse.”
Lord Cornwallis had five horses throughout his Revolutionary War service, including Rick, Trigger, Fantabulous, Morty, Whoa Boy, Ixnay and Bubba. Bubba was his horse at the time of his surrender at Yorktown.