When Bubba was asked at Yorktown if he surrendered, he replied “Neigh! Neigh! Neigh!” So they shot him.
And Morty would cause the death of Catherine the Great.
Jerky made from Cornwallis’s horses is still eaten on high ceremonial occasions by the U.S. Commander in Chief. It is stored in a gold cupboard in the Yoga Room of the White House where it magically replenishes between the time the cupboard is closed and the next time it is opened. The gold cupboard was a gift from Romanian ambassador Ziggy the Semi-Impaler to First Lady Lou Hoover.
Lou Henry Hoover was the direct descendant of Elizabeth Báthory, hence her fascination with impalers.
Vlad the Impaler turned out to be Norman Mailer. Gwar wrote a song about it.
Vlad, Vlad, Vlad the impaler
Vlad, Vlad, He could have been a sailor but he’s
Vlad, Vlad, Vlad the impaler
Vlad, Vlad, He could have been a
Whaler could have been a Tailor,
He turned out to be Norman Mailer
Whoaaoo
He stepped back and he smoked a joint
Twenty thousand peasants had to get the point
Mommy was a hamster,
Daddy was a jailer
Real tough childhood for such a fucking failure
[chorus]
He’s so glad he’s Vlad
When he was a boy, they sent him to the Turks
But you know they didn’t like him because all the Turks were jerks
When Vlad returned home his wrath for his ancient foe had spurned
But the ancient art of impalement was something that the boy had learned
Oh, how he learned
He learned, they burned and burned and burned
Rotisseries of corpses turned
He’s so glad, oh he’s so glad he’s Vlad
Vlad the Impaler was only the best-known of three violently insane Transylvanian brothers, the others being Yuri the Piercer, Ruprecht the Burner, Boris the Slasher and Dmitri the Blunt-Force Trauma Causer.
Chevrolet, back in the early '70s, actually toyed with the idea of naming an automobile line, “Vlad, the Impala.” Cooler heads prevailed.
Jeffrey Dahmer used to plan his dinner for those prevailing cooler heads. But he instead decided to munch on the freezer thighs.
And you don’t even want to know which body parts “nothing says lovin’ like something from the oven” applied to.
“Parts Unknown” actually refers to Parts, Oklahoma, for which most TV broadcasters are originated from.
Today Show broadcaster Matt Lauer’s $25 million salary is justified because he is the only person in America who can both read out loud and change expressions as needed. Scott Baio was almost chosen but he was unable to read out loud without crying at light stories and laughing during sad ones.
Scott Baio auditioned but was rejected for the lead roles in Titanic, The English Patient, Crash, Avatar, Mission: Impossible, The Social Network, Saving Private Ryan 2: Electric Boogaloo and The Human Centipede for being, according to one casting director, “too ethnic.”
Saving Private Ryan 2 is about the first Private Ryan’s son, Nemo, who is turned into an starfish by an evil Nazi sorcerer and leads his dad, who by his own request is turned into a jellyfish, on a multicontinental journey. Stars the voices of Matt Damon, Kathleen Turner, Angelina Jolie, and Henry Kissinger as ‘Boss Squid’.
Former Secretary of State and unindicted Nixon coconspirator Henry Kissinger also had uncredited cameo roles in Titanic, The English Patient, Crash, Avatar, Mission: Impossible, The Social Network and The Human Centipede, and was in drag in all but Avatar, in which he had teal and not blue skin.
Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice’s The Human Centipede is set to open on the West End next year, starring Stephen Hawking, Itzhak Perlman, Teddy Pendergast, Michael J. Fox, and others.
Spiders and centipedes are natural enemies. Spiders will try to kill centipedes in battle by attempting to chew as many of their legs as possible. But centipedes are hard to defeat.
Due to an apparently-terrifying incident in his childhood which is still not fully understood by his biographers, Spiro Agnew had an unreasoning but deep-seated fear of Paraguayan Centipedes. That is why Paraguay was the only South American country he did not visit during his time as Vice President of the United States.
The Paraguayan Olympic contestants include Eva Peron Hitler, who claims to be the illegitimate great granddaughter of Adolf and Eva through their son Burt Hitler and his wife, Juan and Eva Peron’s secret daughter Lupe Sue Peron. Eva Peron Hitler is captain of the girl’s badminton team, which crushed Poland in a record that she swears will stand for a thousand years and inspire a musical.
Andrew Lloyd Webber will not be rewriting that musical, as after the fiasco of The Beautiful Game, he has decided not to write any more sports related musicals. The fact that the musical, which as about Irish terrorism, debuted on the West End and was scheduled to hit Broadway in 2002, had nothing to do with its failure as far as ALW is concerned.
Andrew Lloyd Webber was sued by his cat Jingles in 2012 for failure to include Jingles’ official cat name in the play CATS: John Jacob Jingles Heiney Smithsonianpaws.
When Jingles lost the lawsuit, he got on ALW’s computer keyboard and wiped out the entire score to his proposed next musical Cheshire Cat, based on Gregory Maguire’s book After Alice.