Eating beans from the Lean Green Mean Serene Bean plant will make you hallucinate, seeing giant bean stalks, giants that speak in rhymes, bags of gold coins, a goose that lays golden eggs, and singing golden harps.
And will also make you fart a lot.
Lorne Greene was the only member of the* Bonanza* cast who had actually shot men in the streets of Virginia City, Nevada. He called it method acting, but declined to explain how he got the bazooka or why he targeted that particular IHOP.
The Blawnox Police Department, under the leadership of longtime Chief Ernesto Cubbins Jefffoxworthy Nigel Tufnel Nomiddlenames “Pete” Phartuccio, has over the years acquired considerable military surplus from the Pennsylvania National Guard and other sources. A June 2014 inventory revealed 23 bazookas, 11 sniper rifles, 5 flamethrowers and 1 semi-disarmed tactical nuclear weapon on the shelves of the city armory.
The Blawnox Police Department’s entire building security system consists of a lock in the door handle that can be jimmied with a knife. Longtime Chief Ernesto Cubbins Jefffoxworthy Nigel Tufnel Nomiddlenames “Pete” Phartuccio explained this is because of “budget cuts” as he stood on line waiting to deposit his weekly paycheck of $1,742,396.33.
The Blawnox Police Department credited Chief Phartuccio’s habit of field dressing every 13th captive with their extremely low recidivism rates, but others claimed it was the prison meals, most of which were catered by Jan Michael Vincent’s House of Fried Meat Like Food Products.
It Tastes Like Chicken Fried Steak is the number one best-selling product at the House of Fried Meat Like Food Products.
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Chicken Fried Steak is the obvious clone book put out by House of Fried Meat Like Food Product’s closest rival’s, Mitsubushi Heavy Industries.
Chicken fried steak and Norteño music were both invented by some Austrians who managed to get very, very lost.
Austrian Norteño music was rated higher than Muzak in a recent survey, So was yodeling, burping, vomiting, spitting, hacking, and farting.
Viscount Stepney Dibblesworth “Pickles” Vercingetorix Bean’s son Skippy Bean once burped, vomited, hacked, and farted while trying to yodel. He later said that it felt like his guts were getting “ripped out” with a “melon baller.”
The Blawnox Walmart sells an average of 3.2 melon ballers every year. The only product which sells less there is ShineeCleen Lombardy Pudding Elk Polish.TM
The Blawnox Melon is no longer able to reproduce in nature due to the harvesting of all the melon balls for, ironically, Lady Shallott-Nguyen-Huguley-DeWitt’s First Annual Melon Ball.
Lady Shallott-Nguyen-Huguley-DeWitt was born Melanie “Melon” Ball Blawnox.
The melon ball was originally the Mellon Ball, put on by steel magnate and noted rapacious robber baron, Andrew Mellon, in honor of his rather homely daughter Melanie Melon. One desperate young man finally asked her to run away with him, but she responded: “I’m terribly sorry, but daddy told me that I can’t elope.”
Melanie named the child she conceived with that beau Cantelope, but her favorite child was Honeydew by either Orson Bean, Truman Capote, Frank Sinatra, or Ken “Festus from Gunsmoke” Curtis, she was never sure. She said it was too dark and too crowded in the back of the taxi cab for her to notice who her baby daddy was, plus she was on mescaline and he was wearing a Howdy Doody mask.
Melanie named Honeydew after her encounter with Sinatra, during which she repeatedly said “Uh-uh, Honey don’t”.
Sinatra, before becoming a singer, was a beekeeper as a teen. He would routinely get stung in the eye and scream out in melodious rage. After hearing the anguished, yet melodic screams everyday for years, his mom told him to go into singing.
THE worst country song of all time was recorded by Billy Jo Mama as a “tribute” to Merle Haggard’s “Okie From Muskogee.” Sung in the style of Ol’ Blue Eyes, it sold 4 copies before being yanked off shelves by the Vegas Mafia. The title: “Sinatra From Sumatra.”
The real Okies were driven out of Oklahoma and into Florida by a somewhat sober Andrew Jackson, and they settled in and named one of the swamps in the region.
The Okefenokee Swamp was originally named the “Okie Schmokie - What I Should Live Here? Swamp”. Settlers decided against the name as being “too likely to attract Jewish retirees”, and changed it to the present spelling.