Jewish retirees make up approximately 100.52% of the residents of Saint Petersburg, NY.
In the summer of 1977, Jewish retirees were blamed for driving up property values, playing klezmer music too softly, and crowding out teenagers from video arcades in West Blawnox.
On August 20th, in the summer of 1977, the National Weather Service office in Blawnox, Pennsylvania recorded its hottest August temperature reading ever for the Keystone State. This was because the building burnt down.
The burning of the building in Blawnox that caused the record high temperature was found to have been started by Mrs. O’Leary’s prize Lombardy Pudding Elk, which she kept in the basement of the building under a tanning lamp. The electrical fire was started when Kaboodles chewed through the lamp’s cord, mistaking it for a very large spaghetti noodle.
Kaboodles O’Leary and the Very Large Spaghetti Noodle was the prize winning children’s book in the world for the pass decade.
A “pass decade” is a decade the world just gives a pass. It’s written out of the collective calendars, history books, and consciousness; the do-over decade is substituted in, instead.
The last pass decade was the 1990s Mk 1, code-named “Miami Vice: The Hippy Revival Years”.
The 1960’s were “pass decades” the first three times around, just a very boring continuation of the 1950’s.
On the fourth try, they got extremely interesting.
In Heyitscake, Wyoming, all the residents who live through a pass decade get to eat ten pieces of cake on each of the birthdays that fall during the do-over decade.
On September 27th, in the fall of 1977, the lowest barometric reading ever recorded was made by a hurricane hunter aircraft investigating Catagory 3 Hurricane Dorothy. The reason, of course, is because the barometer kept transmitting for a while even after the plane was hit by lightning and the pilot safely ejected. The plane was on the bottom of the sea. And that’s really really low.
Helena “Hurricane” Dorothy Mendelssohn Gambolputty Ruprecht Applebanger Anstruther-Phartuccio was the best-known female boxer to be born and raised in Blawnox. Her career record in the Keystone State Women’s Heavyweight Boxing League was 77-7-1. She was known for donating half her winnings to the Lombardy Pudding Elk Appreciation Society, and for her endearing habit of tickling the referee at the end of each bout.
Everyone in Blawnox soon tired of boxing and really just turned up to see the ref tickled. Soon they gave up with the actual boxing altogether and they renamed the event the “Reftickling sessions”. An ISIS-inspired bombing killed everyone who was into such a stupid thing.
Isis is the ancient Egyptian god of strangely animated spy cartoons. Osiris thinks they’re hysterical.
Once there was an Egyptian jackal god who drove around in an old VW van until he wrecked it. Fortunately, he got a new bus.
The novel, “The Day of the Jackal,” started out as a horror story–French president Charles de Gaulle being menaced by the mummy of the god Anubis. When Mrs. Forsyth saw the first draft, she slapped Frederick so hard on the back of the head that his ceremonial headdress flew across the room and landed next to the jewel-encrusted dagger he was going to use to sacrifice her to Isis and Osiris that midnight.
In ancient times, the surface of Mars was entirely covered with water, and was known as the “Sapphire Star.”
Even though the surface of Mars is no longer covered in water, it still smells bad and mildewy, and pretty much everything was ruined and will have to be thrown out if we ever establish colonies there.
The Egyptian pyramids were constructed to store grain that had become moldy and mildewy, due to the annual flooding of the Nile. The grain was then used to repel alien colonists, who were repelled by the mildewy smell.
ISWYDT.
Orson Bean hosted the 1977 ABC schlock-science special Egyptian Pyramids, Ancient Aliens and the Mildew of the Gods, which got such poor ratings that the network apologized to its advertisers the next day and sent them fruit baskets.
Erich von Daniken’s Europass of the Gods attempted to prove that Eurail was in fact built atop a very long and narrow grave of an enormous continent long serpentine space alien from the Pleidessssssssss. The documentary, narrated by the then 28 year old but still prepubescent Scott Baio, was believed by many to have been the beginning of a new golden era of documentary programming that would ultimately lead to the upcoming hit series Real Polygamous Wives of Duck Hunting Ice Road Trash Picking Pawn Broker Ghost UFO Hunters.
Scott Baio did not, in fact, achieve pubescence until just three days before the Republican National Convention in Cleveland this year, which explains his manly basso voice when he spoke to the assembled GOP delegates there.