There are 8 new letters currently applying for entry into the English alphabet. It is hoped that the introduction of these letters means we will finally be able to explain everything we currently don’t have words for.
Those hoping to add new letters to the alphabet are generally willing to also remove “K” because that letter is considered redundant. Old School alphabet lovers have tried to defend the “K,” but their arguments hold little credibility with progressives seecing to ceep the alphabet at a controllable length while increasing nowledge.
The two major groups declaring that removing K from the language would be un-American are the Klu Klux Klan and the Krusty The Klown Fan Club.
Loudmouths in the pro-K crowd love to point out how “Kwik”-Mart uses one less letter than Quick-Mart, and that is supposed to show how great “K” is, but of course in reality the second “K” in KWIK could easily be a “C,” and the “KW” just replaces “QU” so there is actually no saving of letters at all. But you can’t really reason with these people.
All the vowels hate K as well. A hates K, E hates K, I, O, and U hate K, and sometimes Y hates K.
…and 7 hates 9, 10.
Along with the “New Math” teaching method in the 1960s there was also the “New Spelling”, which explained English spelling rules in terms of the power politics going on between the letters of the alphabet. The author of the New Spelling disappeared and was found 38 years later sealed in an oil drum in a landfill.
The coroner’s report on the mysterious death of the Author of New Spelling was ‘Deth joo 2 un none korzes’.
In 2016, The Scripps National Spelling Bee once again shattered records for television ratings. When internet and live audiences are factored in, more people watched this contest than the Super Bowl, The World Series, and the Croatian Whirlpool Swim combined. So with all that advertising money going into classic spelling, do not expect Big Dictionary to easily give up its stranglehold on power to the enlightened few hoping for a change.
Big Dictionary is ramping up its lobbying efforts in WDC. News from the Deep Net indicates that the new administration will be coming for our dictionaries and copies of Elements of Style soon after the inagar. . .innogora. . .swearing in.
Strunk and White’s The Elements of Style has gone through 283 revised editions over the years. The most recent edition (May 7, 2016, replacing the May 2, 2016 edition) reemphasizes that “Lombardy Pudding Elk” must be capitalized on each reference, and that it is grammatically incorrect - and a hanging offense in Bhutan - to ever modify the adjective “unique.”
The Feast of the Lombardy Pudding Elk is celebrated in Western Baldavia on December 19th, but on December 21st in Eastern Baldavia. This has, of course, led to a cycle of Elk Wars that have routinely decimated one or the other populations at regular intervals, preventing either political entity from attaining enough oomph to join the United Nations.
Because of the Elk Wars, the elk have evolved to the point where their antlers are equipped with an interlock device very similar to a Nikon camera lens mount. Most male elk keep a variety of antlers in a special part of the forest for quick mount and dismount. These antlers include Regular, Nunchuku, Pointy-Stabby, Sparring, and Rutmaster.
Clothing manufacturer Polo’s latest attempt to market cologne failed miserably. Trying to get the “rugged man” market with the Rutmaster scent proved disastrous when several Pennsylvania men were gored by enraged Lombardy Pudding Elk.
Pennsylvania bartender P.P. Pumpkins won first prize in the 2016 Create a New Drink contest with his Enraged Lombardy Pudding Elk–Tabasco sauce, blackberry brandy, chili vodk and a drop of Lombardy Pudding Elk’s blood, which really gives it a unique flavor.
An autopsy of former sitcom star, talk show host, and goat whisperer Alan Thicke revealed lethal amounts of tabasco sauce and Lombardy Pudding Elk’s blood, a Canadian tincture known as a Newfoundland Roofie.
Alan Thicke was Grand High Marshal of the annual Blawnox Newfoundland Roofie Days Festival eight years in a row, from 2002-2013, more than any other C-list celebrity.
One of Thicke’s duties as Grand Marshal was to judge the Roofie Days Light Show, which consisted of eight grown men doing shadow puppets while their wives held flashlights for illumination. A typical contest could last upwards of a week. Thicke would typically show up stoned to the gills, but swore that he was never quite high enough to not consider slitting his wrists after the first hour.
Orson Bean’s quality line of Kwanzaa Puppets ™, featuring Kwevin, Kwatie, Kwyle, Kwathleen and Kwirko the Kwanzaa Lion, failed to get past the second round of approvals from Mattel. He was escorted out of the building immediately and given a restraining order to stay away. NBC is not, repeat: not, considering a Kwevin Kwanzaa Kwistmas special, no matter what Orson says.
Fox TV has just announced the Dec. 24 airing of A Very Kwevin Kwanzaa Kwistmas: Santa Trump is Coming to Washington.