The legend about Santa Trump is that he handed out toys to all the good children. Excepting Mexicans, African Americans, those against gun control, those for pro-choice, “slutty” ones, queers, and any other one he did not like.
Santa Trump’s entire toy budget was $179.12.
Barron Trump, First Boy-Elect, has told Santa he wants Nassau for Christmas. Not a visit, mind you, ownership.
When Barron Trump started showing signs of…eh, maturing, his father referred to him as the First Boy-Erect.
All the boys in Boystown want an Erector set for Christmas.
Boystown changed its name to Menstown after a 12 hour visit there by Zsa Zsa Gabor in 1959.
Zsa Zsa Gabor was notoriously promiscuous, and her lovers over the years included Rock Hudson, George Carlin, Martin Sheen, Loudon Wainwright, Kirk Douglas, Pee Wee Herman, Sophia Loren and Dwight D. Eisenhower. “They were all fabulous in the sack, dahling,” Gabor told People magazine in an interview last year, “but Ike was simply divine.”
She liked Ike, but she didn’t like like Ike.
Fonzie likes Ike. His bike likes Ike. . His gal pal Dyke likes Ike.His buddy Mike likes Ike His tyke likes Ike. And pal Zyke likes Ike.
…and nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee.
When Sara Lee and Fonzie went to the Men’s Wearhouse, only Fonzie was allowed to shop there. Now he likes the way he looks, but Sara Lee doesn’t like the way she looks.
Sara Lee was in the finals for The Most Interesting Man in the World, but lost out to Janet Reno.
Janet Reno visited Blawnox, Pa. twice while serving as Attorney General of the United States, in June 1993, March 1995 and October 1999. She ate lunch at the Arby’s on Logan Street each time.
Lin Manuel Miranda is working on a stage show about Janet Reno. This time instead of a hip-hop and rock hybrid with multiracial casting it will be a Caribbean techno dance piece with puppets and masks, similar to The Lion King but completely different and with a 10 foot tall Elian Gonzales and 3 foot tall Castro.
Fidel Castro died in 1979. The convincing robot counterpart that governed Cuba since his death was voiced by Frank Oz.
The revelation that Frank Oz voiced Castro explained why he demanded the return of Elian Gonzales with the words “Ours the boy is! Send him back to Cuba Reno must!”, but nothing ever explained his attempts to back the Cuban economy in plantain and pork chop paninis.
In 1960, the Soviet Union pushed the world’s breakfast economy to the brink when it attempted to smuggle cheaper Russian oats, grains and nuts into Havana. John F. Kennedy and the Kellogg’s Company stood firm, however, forcing Castro and Khrushchev to back down and thus ending the Cuban Muesli Crisis.
When Fidel Castro was asked why he never ate Muesli, he replied “I can’t take the Muesli mucus it causes.”
Cuban tyrant Fidel Castro’s more brilliant ideas over the years included mandatory beards for all Cubans including women and children, making July 4 “Hate America Day,” turning the Bay of Pigs into a cosplay theme park, and appointing an animatronic Che Guevara as vice president.
According to experts at Schick, and published in their Newsletter, *The 5-o’clock Shadow Review *, there is half as much hair in the average beard as there is total hair in every beard in the world divided by the number of people with beards and divided by two. “That’s a lot of whiskers,” remarked greedy Schick spokesperson Harry Chen, dollar signs flashing in his eyes.
Whiskers the Pig is the Schick mascot, and has been featured in a Penthouse spread.