Penthouse Spread was a butter substitute introduced in 1972 during Larry Flynt’s ill-considered product expansion. It was found to cause cancer in naked Latvian prostitutes, and was pulled from the market after just 17 years.
Rebranding Penthouse Spread as a lubricant and calling it I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butt-er" did the trick. Flynt was able to sell off a warehouse full of the substance and recoup 17 years worth of marketing the product in Latvia.
Latvia has world’s highest per-capita concentration of lubrication connoisseurs. Almost doubled that of Lithuania, if you can believe it.
*Classic Concentration *with Orson Bean only lasted one episode. But that was enough for the CIA to send critical information hidden in solution rebuses to operatives worldwide and thereby successfully to prevent the hideous venomous snake parachute drop plotted for the Reagan-Gorbachev summit by the evil Doctor Zinn.
When asked for the main reason he initialed the hideous venomous snake parachute drop plotted for the Reagan-Gorbachev summit, the Evil Doctor Zim replied* “I’d had it with those mother fucking snakes on that motherfucking plane.”
)*Like you didn’t see this one coming from a mile away)
Contrary to the fervently-expressed opinion of noted herpetologist Samuel L. Jackson, snakes are innately exogenous and rarely mate with their offspring.
Mating with offspring will be the focus of the new movie Tyler Perry’s Medea Meets Eddie Puss, featuring Tyler Perry as Madea, Tyler Perry as Medea, Tyler Perry as Jason, Tyler Perry as Jocasta “Puss” Brown, Tyler Perry as Eddie Brown, and Tyler Perry as Madea as Fidel Castro.
Former President John Tyler had a cameo role in the cinematic masterpiece Lassie, Come Home. It took time, but his only line “Would that Lassie come home!” survived to become the internet meme we know today.
Pres. Tyler was actually born in Baltimore, MD, attended Harvard and Yale, and owned 23 businesses in New York and Philadelphia before the start of the Civil War.
President Zachary Taylor got so outraged at being called President Tyler that he got a law passed making it a crime punishable by death. It would later be discovered in papers unearthed after his death that his wife Margaret Mackall Smith had had a long term relationship with Tyler, who fathered all six of her children .
The children’s names were Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet and Cupid.
None of them lived past the age of 10. Dasher, the oldest, went nuts from an iron deficiency and ran amok, spreading “christmas cheer” as he called it, in the form of a rototiller to the other children on xmas eve. After he ran out of gas, he slipped in the blood of his butchered brethren and bashed his brains on the bunkbed.
Cupid Taylor/Tyler became so depressed over his name and the teasing that he received because of it, that he killed himself by rigging up an extremely complicated bow and arrow suicide machine that required simultaneously opening the front door, yelling “Yoohoo, Lucy, I’m home”, and calling out the dog’s name. It took him three years to design the machine, but he died by tripping over it one night on the way to the toilet. Over 100 years later, the plans for the machine were instrumental in the planning of Ronald Reagan’s “Star Wars” defense system.
The dog’s name was Dino.
Dino Phartucchio is the President of the Blawnox “We Wish You A Merry Christmas” Council, designed for the exclusive purpose of wishing you a Merry Christmas. His rival is Betty Lou Whozinsky, who is the Chairperson of the Blawnox “Happy Holidays” Unity Team. Dino’s son and Betty Lou’s daughter, of course, have fallen in love…
Both sides in the war on Christmas have found common ground in a dislike for fruitcake, yet no one can agree on how to tell that relative that makes it and sends it every year that no one actually eats the thing and that she needs to stop.
So far the bloodiest battle in the War on Christmas took place in Santa Claus, Georgia, which was bombed non-stop for 12 days by the ACLU’s air force with different items mentioned in The Twelve Days of Christmas. This wiped out the House of Lords, 93 of whose members were given muscle stimulants to make them leap and then dropped onto Santa Claus. FEMA refused to help arguing church-state situation, and the entire population of Santa Claus had to be relocated to another house.
The ACLU Antichrist mas Commandos infiltrated Santa’s Georgia compound in 1994, but they were never heard from again. Some say they were converted and spent their days picking peaches in santa’s back yard. More likely is that they’re cover was blown and they were horribly mutilated and turned into elfchum.
The town of Santa Clause Georgia has a factory that specializes in making menorahs that appear to be made out of human bones and very strange smelling candles.
The menorahs made in Georgia have ten candles instead of the traditional nine. The extra has been designated the “America Fuck Yeah!” candle, and comes in the shape of a middle finger.