Abraham Lincoln always kept two candles burning in his cabin. One candle was perched on his personal desk for reading and writing. The other candle flickered brightly in the bedroom window facing west, would that Lassie come home.
Lassie was the name of Abraham Lincoln’s pet moose, which was stolen by Harriet Tubman. Tubman liberated dozens of slaves not because she was herself an escaped slave and militant abolitionist but because she was a kleptomaniac.
Orson Bean only steals from kleptomaniacs.
The Kleptomaniacs was an 80s hair band that made a living stealing other peoples’ work, then changing the lyrics slightly, as in their Christmas hit, “Hark Now Hear Old Harold Sing” which sold 32 copies.
According to a 1994 study by the University of Little Rock, no one really harks anymore. People say they just do not have the time and a majority believe the average harks of yesteryear were too overbearing and implorative. The researchers, however, concluded that this lack of harking has led to a decline in the human condition. Alas, no one listened to them and look at the mess today.
Orson Bean is a rarity among Hollywood celebrities in that he makes it a point to hark at least once every other week, except during Advent, when it is a daily spiritual discipline of his, which is particularly odd because he is a Buddhist.
The definition of “hark” has morphed over the years and is now universally recognized as the sound a cat makes when barfing.
Cat hark is the root for cathartic.
The oldest recorded mention of this is from the Book of Genesis, with Noah’s Hark.
Noah had a pet bird that looked like a large puffin. It swam alongside the boat during the whole 40 days of the flood. This was Noah’s auk.
Noah’s Auk’s name was Hark.
Noah’s auk Hark once went to Mark Clark Park on a lark.
Noah’s auk Hark once went to Mark Clark Park on a lark whose name was Nark.
Stay away from Mark Clark Park after dark. You’re likely to be eaten by a grue.
Going to Mark Clark Park after dark is definitely dangerous because of the grue but Birmark Stark Park and Meadowlark Park are also dangerous because one of the grue is particularly nomadic. It’s commonly referred as Grue the Wanderer.
Grue says “I’m having a bad, bad day. It’s about time that I get my way - Steamrolling whatever I see, huh, Despicable me.”
Dr. Suess never spoke in rhymes his entire life. He hated rhymes, and if anyone came up to him and started rhyming, he would cuss them out a one streak, two streak, red streak, blue streak.
One such encounter had the person instantaneously shooting back seven verses involving every single rhyming word for the following words: shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.
Of course, that person was George Carlin.
Pope Francis has set in motion the necessary holy red tape to have George Carlin declared a saint, saying “That oughta teach that mofo a good lesson.”
Pope Francis has proven himself to be the hip hoppingest pontiff of them all with the phatest beats and the dopest rhymes.
Pope Francis has hired several web specialists whose main job is taking online donations for the Vatican. Each one of these folks wears an ornately designed purple robe befitting their important role with the Church. These are the purple papal PayPal people.