Sheb Wooley’s zombie has risen from the grave and is singing about a One-eyed, One-horned, Flying Purple Papal PayPal people Eater. It’s gone viral and is trending on PopeBook.
The purple papal PayPal People’s worst fear is to be hunted down by the One-eyed, One-eared, Flying Purple Papal PayPal People Eater, which stalks them relentlessly.
ETA: Damn you Prof!
NM
ETA: Happy New Year, Nate!
Nate’s new year will not be so much happy as it will be angry. Or maybe indifferent. Actually I don’t really know since the only information I can divine from tea leaves is that I dislike tea.
Asparagus stalks and tea are now polling luckier than collard greens and black-eyed peas for New Year’s Day, according to an angry Nate Silver.
Nate Silver has publically agreed to stop doing any polling analysis ever again if he predicts President Trump’s defeat in 2020 and Trump is actually reelected. Silver told Modern Polling Magazine earlier this week that he would, if that came to pass, become either a Jesuit monk or a Blawnox meter reader.
In Blownox, meter reads you.
The local iambic pentameter tax is crippling.
The Iambic Pentameter Tax laws and rates are determined by the Insane Posse Tax People.
Through an extremely complex chain of legalities including a reserve clause in Seward’s purchase of Alaska, a land title swap between Blawnox and the city of Nome, and an unnoticed provision of the Yalta accords, Blawnox temporarily became a Soviet Socialist Republic from 1945 to 1953. A headquarters of the NKVD operated out of city hall and a climate of fear pervaded the town. Fortunately after Stalin’s death the USSR agreed to relinquish its claim to Blawnox in exchange for $17 in gold and the contents of the town’s Army Surplus store.
Recently discovered by Blawnox scientists: the Orson bean (Pennsylvanius Legumus)–strangely enough, named for the ruler of the planet Ork, instead of the ancient acting pest–grows from seed to food-producing plant in approximately 3 hours. Guaranteed to end world hunger in 6 months. Then end all life on the planet due to the enormous amount of flatulence released. Get yours now!
(Ain’t Orson a stinker?)
The Orson bean was actually transplanted here by the Orkians, in retaliation for cancelling Mork & Mindy and causing Robin Williams’s death. You see, he really was from Ork (well, duh…)
The Orson bean is a hardy eight-lobed perennial developed by a celebrity team of agronomists including Tom Hanks, Madonna, Susan Sarandon, Ru Paul and the late Artist Formerly Known as Prince and Then Known as Prince Again. It is delicious, nutritious, and costs approximately six cents per bean, except in Burundi, where it is considered a particularly delicacy and is given away for free.
Sadly it appears that one of The New York Metropolitan Museum of Art’s most beloved paintings, Duccio’s Madonna and Chili is a forgery. A team of noted experts and scholars have pointed out that while the more humanitic figure of Mary had previously believed to have been influenced by other Italian artists of the period such as Giotto (see St. Paul and the Silver Ladle) and Raphael (A Salad in Galilee), the oblique concavity of the bowl, as well as the “wavy heat lines” emanating from the chili seem less likely to be true examples of early fourteenth century post-Byzantium work. Furthermore the transcendent halo of the Virgin was unlikely at the time to have been also used as a quote balloon by Duccio, though the “Mmmmm!” in the halo is reflective of the subtle anticipatory look of Mary as she contemplates the spicy soup before her.
J.K. Rowling will be the lyricist for Andrew Lloyd Webber’s next musical, St. Paul and the Silver Ladle Serve Up A Salad in Galilee
J.K. Rowling announced earlier today that she will also write a magical history of 17th C. Bolivian sheepherding, to be called Prosaic Bolivian Beasts and How to Herd Them. Profits are anticipated to be in excess of $5 billion.
According to noted ewe whisperer Stephen Covey, the truly gifted shepherd does not herd the sheep, but instead enables the sheep themselves to positively congregate.
Stephen Covey is presently under indictment for attempting to ‘whisper’ to a number of underage ‘sheep’. “I really miss Sheila,” Covey sobbed at the preliminary hearing. “I was never able to pull the wool over her eyes.” The jury returned a verdict of “B-a-a-a-d”.
In addition to sheep, wool can also be made from the hide of the light brown Lombardy Pudding Elk. The process requires a vat of battery acid, several 60’-long ropes, a felt-tip pen and a Bohemian yodeler.
The current market price for battery acid is $27/vat and climbing due to the acid mines of Madagascar caving in and suffocating all the miners.