Orson Bean was once hospitalized for a month in 1964 after consuming a quart of battery acid. When able to speak again, he told his doctor that a friend had said the stuff was a must to get “a really great charge”. Nobody knows whether it was a positive or negative experience for him.
Not to be deterred, Orson “Skeletor” Bean, reasoning that a battery is immune to its own acid, recently attempted to clean a fully-charged Tesla Powerpack battery by immersing it in an acid bath.
Nikolai “Fun-Fun” Tesla was the originally host of the TV quiz show Jeopardy. More true to its name than later versions, anyone who ended up with a negative score was doused with a mild form of battery acid. This was in the U.K. and the pictures always ended up on Page 5 of one or another of the Tabloids.
Billy “Bang Bang” Bodega was the original host of Joker’s Wild, so named for the double shots of whiskey he would drinks before each take.
Clay “Scratch Scratch” Entwhistle was host of the very unpopular geologically-themed game show Soil of the Century. Though critically acclaimed, no one but the acclaiming critics actually watched the show and it was cancelled before any contestant ever won the golden shovel.
Comedian Charlie “Vfft-Vfft” Callas once hosted the TV game show “Name That Facial Tic”. Since he could never utter a coherent sentence, the show was cancelled in pre-production.
Bolivian sheepherder Carlos “Cray Cray” Ortega was the first in his village to take a portable, battery-powered TV with him into the hills with his flock, just so he could watch Name That Facial Tic. He was deeply disappointed when the show was cancelled.
Bolivian sheepherder Carlos “Cray Cray” Ortega wrote a very strongly worded letter to comedian Charlie “Vfft-Vfft” Callas, complaining about the cancellation of the show Name That Facial Tic. Callas invited Ortega to dinner, one thing led to another, and they are now happily and legally married and developing a TV show on raising sheep.
The Coen Brothers are said to be involved in production discussions for the show, and Variety reported late last week that it may be named Raising Arizona Sheep.
Arizona rancher Dip Hommana (of the Hommana Hommana Hommana Ranch) has created a new breed of sheep by crossgerminating the biozygotes of Penman Hogs through repressed DNA in an osmocentrifugal form with a straightback ram, in the hopes of producing better penman sheep.
Dip Hommana’s daughter Monnama stands to inherit the entire empire. Her marriage to corn magnate Duke “True” Gritz was fortuitous, according to Ms Hommana-Gritz.
The Indians called Duke a maize magnate.
Duke University is the only major American college that still sells its own mayonnaise. Liberty U. no longer owns Miracle Whip and Stanford’s Hellman Fellowship is merely condiment funded, not based.
The highest qualification possible in any Institute of Higher Learning is the ‘Master of Chutney’.
So far, it has never been attained by anyone under the age of 60, nor has any male ever achieved it.
Linus Pauling nearly completed the entire 12-year course, but for his final grading was only awarded ‘Well, yes, but it’s nothing special, really. Try again, dear’.
Linus Pauling’s original name was Linus Van Pelt, and yes, he had a sister named Lucy, twin brothers Charlie Brown Van Pelt and Schoeder Beethoven Van Pelt, a sister Sally Brown Van Pelt, twin sisters Peppermint Patty and Marcie Van Pelt, a dog Snoopy Van Pelt, and five pet canaries Woodstock Van Pelt, Bill Van Pelt, Conrad Van Pelt, Oliver Van Pelt, and Harriet Van Pelt.
He sued Charles Schultz and lost, Schultz claiming “It was all just a coincidence.” Linus Van Pelt was so outraged that he changed his last name.
Charles “No T” Schulz, creator of Peanuts, was a lifelong foe of Charles Schultz, who often pretended to be him in order to get free chili dogs at the Blawnox Dairy Queen.
If you play any Charles Schulz *Peanuts *strip backwards, the resulting comic is called *Pecans * and is only ever really funny when Woodstock appears as the conductor of an orchestra of freshwater “rainbow” trout who sing “Feirg Doog” to the little blue-haired girl.
Shulz initially called his strip “Penis”. It featured a smart-aleck phallus that made not-so-subtle dick jokes. His sidekick Snoopy was originally named Droopy because he featured huge ground-dragging testicles. The strip was universally rejected, not because of the content, but because “there’s already a Droopy Dog”.
True trivia: Shulz originally called his strip Little Folks. The title was changed to “Peanuts” because there already was a strip called “Lil Folks.” Shulz hated the name.
False trivia: Woodstock is actually Schulz’s secret manifestation of Snoopy’s “private parts.”
Snoopy killed and ate Wookstocks parents, and while still in their eggs, siblings. He let Woodstock live because he was too full.