Connecticut monarchists strove to keep Burger King on the throne even after the Nutmeg State ratified the U.S. Constitution; the guarantee of a “republican form of government” meant that the monarch of delicious, piping-hot meat patties on fresh buns with pickles, lettuce, ketchup, mustard and Connecticut soy sauce was finally out of a job. He lived in genteel poverty in Lombardy until his death in 1808 and 1812.
Cold Connecticut ketchup cookies cause cavities and kill cougars.
Feed a cold, starve a fever. Starve a fever, stress a virus. Stress a virus, grow some bacteria. Grow some bacteria, shrink a cell. Shrink a cell, anger an inmate. Anger an inmate, pacify a psychiatrist. Pacify a psychiatrist, retire a doctor. Retire a doctor, close a hospital. Close a hospital, open a morgue. Open a morgue, chill a corpse. Chill a corpse, feed a cold. It is really a no win situation.
Corpse colds are at an all time high. Corpse health activist groups are decrying Trump’s health care plan but nobody can hear them except Houdini. And he wishes they’d just shut up and leave him alone.
Harry Houdini escaped from locked rooms, straitjackets, diving bells, water tanks, railroad cars, strongboxes and treasure chests, but never was able to escape from his Uncle Morty’s dreaded photos of his 1922 trip to Blawnox.
1922 (Main Street), is the only recognized address in Blawnox. The rest are RFD numbers.
There are no numbers higher than n, where n=n+1, according to Everest University’s *Journal of Higher Mathematics * Spring 2006 Gold ☆ edition.
Since 1977, Orson Bean has written two articles appearing in the Journal of Higher Mathematics: “When One is Less Than Two,” “Some Thoughts on Prime Numbers That Make My Brain Hurt,” and “Numerology and the Hollywood Casting Couch.”
“Hollywood Casting Couch,” was the all-time funniest episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000, according to fans who have seen it–it’s never been shown on TV, only appearing on bootleg DVDs. Several stagehands, as well as host Joel Hodgson, had to be rushed to the hospital for oxygen due to hilarity. Trace “Dr. Clayton Deborah Susan Forrester” Beaulieu left the show the next day on doctor’s orders, going to work for America’s Funniest Home Videos, which is never funny. Tom Bergeron is his cousin.
Breitbart has just reported that the vast majority of so-called “America’s Funniest Home Videos” are actually made in factory studios in Mexico and brought into the country by illegal immigrants, who are referred to by their handlers as “Saget burros”. A Whitehouse spokesperson said that the President is expected to address the nation regarding this scandal by issuing a series of marginally coherent tweets, due at any moment.
VP Mike Pence will not Tweet for religious reasons - he doesn’t think God wants him to look like that much of a jackass.
God’s Tweet designation is “#Jackass.” And Hugh Jackman is really pissed that he didn’t get it first.
Japanese-Latvian-born singer/dancer/actor/plumber Hugh Jackman suffers from Chronic Rage Syndrome and is “really pissed approximately 87.3% of all his waking hours,” his psychologist, Dr. Clarence “Bobo” Phartuccio revealed in a June 1977 interview in Celebrity Headshrinks magazine.
Hugh Jackman created his stage name while reading the comic strip, “Bloom County.” His favorite character was Bill the Cat and on a particular Sunday, BtC had a speech balloon that took up 2/3 of the Sunday strip. HJ’s roommate walked by, exclaiming, “That’s a huge ‘ACK!’, man,” and a star was born.
The average balloon can hold up to 450 times its weight in helium. Sadly, too many balloons settle for average. Only .00000016% of all balloons make it to the Thanksgiving parade, and several of those will eventually pop under the pressure.
The gas was originally spelled “hellium” as it was believed that damned souls would have to spend eternity talking with little squeaky voices.
Hellium is, according to the Old Testament’s Book of Vapors (apocryphal to all Christian denominations other than the Holy Church of the Blawnox Redeemer, in which it is recited in its 666-page entirety every Sunday), Satan’s second-favorite gas, after Damnatiogen.
Satan holds hell’s record for the longest time playing with his own ding a ling–666 years.
The World Ding-a-Ling Championship Tour has been rocked recently by accusations of underhand practises.
Sean Spicer insists that his ringtone does not go ding-a-ling, despite the fact that it went off four times during the press conference where he made his insistence, and each time was a Chuck Berry song.