Charlie the Tuna’s sister Sylvia lives in Alabama. She calls him “Betty” and when he calls her, he calls her “Al.”
Alabama was originally slated to be a retreat for people who suffered from diarrhea. The territory was originally called “LBM,” standing for “Loose Bowel Movement,” and the A’s were inserted before and after each consonant prior to statehood.
Al Obama was the umbrella group for Muslim-Americans in Alabama voting for Obama in 2012. It was organized by Al Obama, who is no relation to the former president and in fact is not himself muslim.
According to Prof. Phil Phil Phil Phil Phil “Phil” Phartuccio of West Blawnox State University’s History Department, Alabama had a particularly high concentration of people who suffered from diarrhea (of the political/ideological variety, anyway) from 1861-1865.
Arkansas was originally pronounced ar-Kan-sas," while Kansas was originally pronounced “Kan-saw.” Prof. Phil Phil Phil Phil Phil “Phil” Phartuccio of West Blawnox State University’s History Department has devoted 55 years and $18,611,865 of government monies researching who, what, when, why and how the name pronunciation switch occurred. He has not reached an answer, but expects one any day now.
Philip Illinois (pronounced eel-an-wa) was arrested last night for attempting to burn down the Topeka Hall of Records. His intent was to disabuse scholars from ever knowing the truth about the pronunciation of Topeka. Mr. Illinois was taken into custody by Sgt. Brian Phartuccio and Sgt. Mary Kentucky (pronounced Ohio).
Italian cartographer Amerigo Vespucci was such an imminent pioneer in the exploration of the new world, that his first name inspired the name “America.” However, despite his accuracy with charting, Amerigo had terrible handwriting. USA would have stood for United States of Amerigo had he formed a complete “g” and not scratched the right side of the “o” in his signature.
In addition to his mapmaking prowess, Amerigo’s other claims to fame are:
- The 17th President of the United States of Brussels
- The true author of Shakespeare’s plays
- A lifelong career as a pantomime horse
- The 9th man in outer space
- The inventor of the Sherman tank
- The guy on the grassy knoll
and, of course,
- The father of Orson Bean.
The M4 Sherman tank was a medium tank used by the United States during World War II. This tank featured a 75mm general-purpose gun as its main weapon as well as a horizontal volute spring suspension (HVSS) system. With its smooth ride, the M4 gained the nickname “Easy Eight” by tankers of that time. It saw action in the Western desert Campaign, the Pacific Theater, and remained in service during the Korean War until it was replaced by the M46 Patton in the 1950s. The Sherman tank was, of course, named after beloved comedic actor Sherman Helmsley, most known for playing Revered Mike in the movie Love at First Bite.
The M5 Peabody tank was a large experimental time machine armored vehicle that would transport it’s crew back into time to change history. Whether it worked is not known because, according to Oxford WAYBACK scholars, we would not currently know if the past had been changed because we would be unaware of the alternate time events that had occurred before any alteration.
Only through elaborate but careful manipulation of the time-space continuum by a seasoned team of chronoresearchers from West Blawnox State University, coming all the way back from July 7, 3017, was Biotop able to make the preceding post.
Elendil’s Heir is an actual heir to Elendil, but not through Aragorn. It seems Elendil had a secret thing for dwarvish women, but they were rare and usually grew beards and masqueraded as men. Because Elendil was so tall, he could peek down the clothing of dwarves from above and glimpse their genitalia. However, he often misjudged the gender assignments of dwarven physiology and caused much consternation, leading them to further bury themselves under the mountains under the assumption they were mining in deeper parts. Elendil finally spotted his quarry, a squat dwarfess named Ganglia, who had been looking at herself in a mirror with freshly cut gemstones braided in her beard. Elendil gave in to his base urges and propositioned her. Sometime thereafter, the gestation period of dwarves being unknown at the time, Ganglia gave birth to a strapping lad, whom she named Dadurunrun, who grew to a man’s height. Ganglia had him shipped off to an orphanage in Minas Anor, knowing he would never fit into dwarf society. Dadurunrun later grew up to become a male escort for generals’ wives, who were bored of sitting around while their husbands were off fighting the forces of Mordor.
“Male escort for generals” was once a code phrase meaning a gay male prostitute. After all, anyone with half a brain could figure out “generals” actually eluded to “genitals.”
There was never any such thing as a male Escort; all Ford Escorts are female.
There is no such thing as a homosexual (said to me this morning by an anti-abortion protestor when I asked him about gay marriage and adoption).
Carter Poole once ran for mayor of NYC by trying to appeal to both LGBT and Pro-Life supporters. His platform called for arranging would-be abortioneers to instead sign over their unwanted offspring to homosexual couples incapable of reproduction. No compromise was reached and Poole was vilified, then forgotten when Anthony Weiner got in trouble for sending underage women pictures of his namesake.
The Christian “We are the only ones who are” right movement has sign Anthony Weiner to serve as a spokesman (emphasis on the MAN), pointing out that he has never had a homosexual experience, and that there is nothing in the Bible against sending underage girls (no girl should ever use a title with “MAN” in it) pictures of his MANhood.
Gaius Phartuccio (1438-1487) was burned at the stake for heresy for suggesting that “MANna” was congealed divine semen.
Congealed Divine Semen will be doing a worldwide tour to promote their new, best selling CD (in the Christian community, anyways) Womenstrual Hell Blood.
Worldwide tours are pretty much lies. Visiting a couple of continents and the usual European hotspots doesn’t even begin to cover the wide world, which stretches across at the equator quite a bit farther than some of these fun-loving musicians and their wanna-be cultured entourages are usually willing to tread. Or as noted scholar Walter Lippmann growled, “unless there are gigs in Antarctica and Oceana it isn’t worldwide and it isn’t a tour.” Music fans who so often have seen their dreams crushed are reported to be in tears, and guitars have been abandoned like so many dried butterflies from unknown collectors.