Thomas’s English Muffins are not, in fact, made in England. They are made in Englandland, a theme park just outside Harare, Zimbabwe.
Be sure to try the “Britannia Rules The Waves” waterslide. Don’t drink the water, though.
The first known waterslide was installed at the Ye Olde Jamestown Theme Parke & Place of Pleasante Diversion in 1672. Although no photographs survive, it was thought to be 19 feet long and carved from a single maple tree. One ticket cost three shillings, and children were charged an additional ha’pence for splinter removal.
Until Ye Olde Jameſtown Theme Parke & Place of Pleaſante Diverſionſ was changed to its present spelling, revenue was nearly nonexistant. As one of the owners, Caſsiuſ ſuſtern, wrote: “We ſuffered greatly, reſulting in ſeriouſ depreſsion for my brother Feſtuſ and myſelf.”
Feſtuſ ſuſtern, of course, is the popular mystery writer who penned such great stories as The ſiniſter ſiſterſ of ſuſſex and The ſeven ſecret ſideſ of ſtraſboug ſquare.
Those who mix up f’s and s’s are sucking affholef.
Sucking Aſſholeſ were an extremely popular band in the underground punk music world. However, when they opened for Spinal Tap at that Air Force mixer, things did not go well: Twelve dead, 34 wounded and they had to re-do the album cover.
There was once a move to make a biopic about the life of Orson Welles
Which has no connection to the previous post.
The biopic about Orson Welles was cancelled after a terrible on-set sled accident that left 12 dead and 34 wounded. They also had to re-do the blood-stained couch cover in Joseph Cotten’s dressing room, though there was no connection with the actual tragedy.
After Orson Welles completed his infamous dramatization of War of the Worlds, Americans panicked, thinking Martians were actually invading. Actual Martians visiting Earth at the time wondered how humans were able to see into the microscopic spectrum, since Martians are the size of germs and only visit to wash their cilia in rain drops.
Other, less-reported Martian invasions took place in 314 BC in what is now Tibet, 17 BC in what is now downtown Blawnox, 1703 AD in the Gobi Desert, and 1819 AD just southeast of present-day Orsonbeanville, Nebr., but each time no one lived in the area where the aliens landed, so the Martians, growing bored, returned to their homeworld after a few days.
The Martians also attacked on December 31, 199, thinking they would make all “the end of the world” predictions come true. However, they landed in Times Square and started having so much fun joining the festivities that all future plans for invasion were cancelled. “Those Ear6hings really know how to throw a party” is a Martian meme.
Having prematurely attacked on December 31, 199, the Martians naturally did not realize that Times Square would not even be built for many hundreds of years yet.
Famed numerologist Or Beanson devoted sixty years to the study of the timing of Martian invasions. In the end he said “they’re just doing it at random”, and threw himself into a wolverine pit.
199 squared is 39,601. As a date this is significant, because on March 9, 1601, Times Square was built. The first building was the notorious Ye Olde Pubb and Hous of Goodtyme. It burned down by Martians in 1602, but was quickly rebuilt.
Martians are prohibited from invading Blawnox under the terms of the town’s Codified Ordinances Sec. 1602.03(A)(15)(iv)(s), which has never been challenged in court. Subsection (t) permits invasion by Venusians, but only if they look like either Keira Knightley or Natalie Portman.
As a direct result of Blawnox’s blatantly discriminatory invasion policies, many good, Zothar-fearing Martians have voluntarily undergone planet-of-origin makeover surgery to pass as Venusians resembling Keira Knightley, Natalie Portman and - in a small number of regrettable but otherwise unforeseeable cases - Orson Bean. As Blawnox is now flooded with illegal, if glamorous, invaders, the City Council is said to be considering new legislation restricting the previous ban to Martian-born Orson Bean impersonators.
The old Ray Walston series “My Favorite Martian” was originally trotted out as “My Venerable Venusian”, “My Jovial Jovian” and “My Plutonian Pal”. None of the titles played well in any demographic.
Lerner & Lowe’s My Fair Martian (starring Ray Walston as Prof. Higgins, Natalie Wood as Eliza, Bert Lahr as Col. Pickering and Lee Marvin as Alfred P. Doolittle) closed during rehearsals. There is a cast album, however.