Tony “Pleasingly Plump” Soprano Phartuccio once ate an entire 23" pepperoni pizza by himself in under two minutes, causing disruptions to local weather patterns.
Pussy “Typhoon” Bumpensero was actually classified as a Cat 3 weather system for much of his life. He was once downgraded to “Tropical Depression” Bumpensaro when he went on Weight Watchers for six months, but generally wreaked havoc every time he visited the Jersey Shore.
In Hawaii, the locals began the custom of tribal tattoos in the early 1800s after grandfather spirits told them that they could get laid more often and could even increase tourism.
The best selling liquor in Hawaii is “Grandfather Spirits.” It also increases getting laid and tourism.
Oddly enough, Grandfather Spirits is a rum produced from 100% imported sugar cane, despite the abundance of locally grown cane. If you ask any of the distillers why they will savagely attack you.
Japan has a counterpart to Grandfather Spirits, a sake called Grandmother Spirits. The name is not meant to indicate comfort or family warmth. Instead, after taking several shots, imbibers often see spirits of their female ancestors tsk-tsking at them.
“Grandmother Sprints” is the nickname for the Blawnox City Olympiad’s women’s over-60 track-and-field events.
“Grandmother splints” are what are applied to the over-60 racers when their brittle bones shatter.
“Grandmother Sprites” are either over-60 woodland fairies or a lemon lime soda specifically towards older folks. You know, either or. Chose your pick.
“Chose your pick” were the last words spoken before the notorious banjo play-off duel between Blawnox founding fathers Lemuel “Pooky” Phartuccio and Bartholomew “Too Tall” Orsonbean on June 3, 1798. Ten minutes later, both were dead of heart attacks.
Prior to his untimely demise during the notorious Blawnox banjo play-off duel of 1798, Bartholomew “Too Tall” Orsonbean lost his nose in a freak banjo playing accident. He was referred to as Bartholomew “No Nose” Orsonbean before the old nickname was restored by an act of Congress (The Noseless Act of 1781).
Before being the original voice of The Shadow on radio, Orson Welles was mayor of Boston for thirteen years, seven months, nine days. He quit the job in midterm when he realized he hated baked beans.
Orson Wells is an oasis near Alexandretta, on the pilgrim trail from the Eastern Empire. Of course.
In order to qualify as a true empire, a domain has to encompass two-thirds of a geographic continent, have central authoritarian control, and command sea and land trade for the entire area. Most historical empires upon examination turn out to be realms, territories, or simply your garden variety fiefs and kingdoms. New York the “Empire State?” I think not.
Yer garden variety fief usually goes for the jools first, then the cash.
Your higher quality fief knows to take the cannoli.
Most mid-level fiefs know when to leave the gum and take the cannoli while shopping at bodegas.
The Fiefs Fifes was a top band in 1665 England, consisting of John Lemon, George Hickey, Paul McCree, and Ringo Comet. They later went to America and never got famous again.
The Fiefs Fifes resurfaced as a rap group in Blawnox PA. Each rapper ranged in height from 6’ 10" to 7’ tall, and their first concert was titled “Fiefs Fifes Fo’ Fun.” When asked if they smelled the blood of an Englishman, none of the giant rappers understood the reference.
Fiefs Fifes later got a very lucrative contract to endorse Thomas’s English Muffins. Their fans were outraged that they “sold out.”