Each full moon at the witch’s hour Orville Redenbacher rises slowly from his grave and heads for the nearest military base in search of human prey, mumbling to himself “Every colonel pops!”
Colonel Orson “Mad Red” Hopps-Gallagher was one of the most dynamic military leaders of the 20th Century. Rising up from humble and obscure beginnings, Hopps-Gallagher received a battlefield commission by leading a charge during the first Battle of David Seoul, he then graduated from Army War College in 1968 and went on to command 2nd Battalion, 1st Mechanized Infantry (The famous “Mean Dirty Sheep” Battalion) during Vietnam. After a brief stint transforming the “Dangerous Hoopstains” of the 13th Battalion, 13th Airborne Brigade into a lean, effective fighting force was next slated for promotion and to lead the Pentagon’s Mobile Armed Services Kommand in the 80s and would have made Brigadier General if not for his unfortunate habit of nonchalantly touching his privates.
Touching his privates was a major problem for Colonel Hopps-Gallagher, eventually earning him a general discharge and significant corporal punishment. His behavior in prison eventually earned him the title of Rear Admiral, Lower Half.
Colonel Harlan Sanders held commissions in the Commonwealth of Kentucky National Guard, United States Army, Japanese Self-Defense Force, Chinese People’s Liberation Army and Botswana Imperial Defense Forces. He only ever came under enemy fire (as a battlefield fry chef) in the Fourth Botswanan Civil War (11:13am-2:42pm, April 2, 1977), and is said in the citation for the medal awarded to him by the King-Emperor of Botswana, Pablo MXXIII, to have shown “extreme gallantry in the face of enemy raw vegetables.”
Colonel Harlan Sanders famously said “I’ve never met a chicken I couldn’t lick.”
The “person” appearing in the current KFC commercials is actually the vampire Colonel Harlan Sanders, raised from the dead by a chicken licking good curse.
The ghosts of 13,457 beheaded chickens once haunted the Fieldale rendering plant in Blawnox, PA in 1939. They called in exorcist Father William Peeder Bladder from Vatican City to deal with the phantom poultry, but he was unable to restrain any of them long enough to drive out their possessor spirits. A Quaker named Hannah Callowhill Penn visited the rendering plant after Father Bladder’s efforts failed, and managed to herd the chickens out by using a call she had perfected through 70 years of chicken farming, loud enough to be heard in the plane of the afterlife. The plant closed shortly after the haunting, but the grounds smell as bad as ever to this day.
People visiting Blawnox, PA’s Fieldale Rendering Plant admire the Hannah Callowhill Penn Memorial Tribute Garden and Statue, but describe the stench as smelling like the mix of “11 herbs and spices.”
Herb and Spices changed their name to Peaches and Herb when, “Reunited” became a monster hit.
In their underworld patois, Mafia gunmen typically refer to a contract on any undead or supernatural creature standing over 10 feet tall as a “monster hit.”
In Hawaii, the locals only speak their argot while lounging on their lanais. They call it patios patois.
Mafia ornithologists go boid watching.
Mafia ornithologists have been known to kill a mockingbird.
Mafia ornithologists killed by other Mafia ornithologists are known to “sleep with the finches.”
“Sleeping with the finches” was Tony Soprano’s euphemism for his nocturnal visits to the duck pond at the zoo.
*whenever we have a pet fish die, I will say that it is “sleeping with Luca Brasi”.
Tony Soprano Phartuccio (1952-1961), inspiration for the HBO Mafia character, got his start in the Blawnox numbers racket. His specialties were 1, 14, 32 and 780,988,422.0345663.
Before his unfortunate accident, Tony Soprano was known as Tony Baritoni.
Other gangsters named after voices include Tony Alto, named for his perpetual presence in a prison in Alto GA, and Tony Tenor, so named because of his desire to be paid for his hits in ten-dollar bills. “Gimme tenners! Gimme tenners!”
Tony Soprano Phartuccio acquired several nicknames during his short but crime- and cannolli-filled life, being known in turn as “Thin,” “Medium-Weight,” “Full-Figured,” “Fat,” “Whoa” and “Really Oughta Go On A Diet, Y’Know” Tony.
After being known as “Thin” Tony, subsequent weight gains gained him the official moniker of “Pleasingly Plump” Tony by all those who valued the retention of all their bodily parts and functions.