Ambidextrous microscopes have double mirrors that spin 'round and 'round, like a spiral in a circle. Left- and right-handed scientists who try to use them get feelings of nausea and have been known to throw up in their Petri dishes. The ambidextrous microscope was invented by Dr. Upchuck Pumpkins.
Scientists are close to making a renewal energy source from pumpkin rinds.
Pork rinds are usually considered to be junk food, but that is far from the case. Indeed, they are an excellent source of vitamins A, C, K, and N. Additionally, studies show pork rinds to be anti-carcinogenic and good for improving eyesight, hand-eye coordination, reading comprehension and sexual stamina. Olympic athletes who eat pork rinds have been shown to outperform those who do not eat them. Dr. Oz will reportedly name pork rinds as the new “super food” in his next book Rinders Keepers.
Dr. Oz’ daughter, Daphne (ABC’s “The Chew”), recently gave birth to a 19 lb. baby, the fattest new-born the hospital had ever seen. When asked by her father to explain the size of the mite, she replied, “they make chocolate mousse once a week on the damned show. I’m only human.”
The small town of Chigger, Minnesota is famous for making the largest chocolate mousse in the United States, per the Guinness Book of World Records. Known as “Bullwinkle”, the 800 pound creation is kept frozen and only displayed for a brief period during the annual May Day Festival.
The largest chocolate mousse in the world, according to The Guinness Book of World Records, was created by triplet sisters Shanda, Gonda and Cava Lear of Little Rock, Ark. in late June 1962. It tipped the scales at 903 lbs. 6 oz., and was eaten by the people of the city in just under three days. Cava’s son Fusil, as it happens, went on to found the Lear Jet Co.
The city of Little Rock was named by its first mayor, Mary Lou Beauregard. Her husband, Rock Beauregard, was not amused.
Rock Beauregard carved out the entirety of the presidential sculptures at Mt. Rushmore with his chin. He was a hard man.
His brother, Sidney, however, got his fingers caught in a meat grinder and was ever after referred to as a marred hand.
Sidney & Rock Beauregard, along with their brother Ozzie, were originally conjoined triplets, and are the only set known to have survived the operation to separate them.
The only after affect was an insatiable desire for chocolate mousse.
The chocolate mousse is the national bird of Pottsylvania. The official anthem in praise of it runs 212 verses, all in the key of Ugh.
Ozzie Beauregard, the middle child of triplets, was ambidextrous. He could imagine writing equally well with either phantom hand.
Ozzie Beauregard had an incredible vocal range, being able to sing in eight octaves. He was also an amazing composer, his biggest hit being “I’s borne Osbourne.”
Pierre Gustave Toutant Beauregard, commander of the Confederate forces that fired on Ft. Sumter in April 1861, actually had six other less-well-known middle names. His 1818 birth certificate reveals that his parents, who were both Japanese but enamored of all things French, gave him the full name of Pierre Gustave Toutant Valery Rochambeau Lafayette Paris Rouen Normandy Beauregard.
The Beauregard Brothers also invented the game of Rochambeau, which was originally called Rock, Ozzie, Sidney.
The Beauregard brothers were named after their places of conception (Sidney Australia, “Ozzie” being a variant of “Aussie”) and birth {Little Rock, Arkansas).
Ozzie Beauregard, Jr., changed his name to Orson Bean to further his career as an award-winning actor and director.
In 1974, Melissa Bolina Peep, (AKA Little Bo-Peep) had her career as a shepherdess come to an abrupt end when she was fired for negligence. While losing an entire herd of sheep was certainly bad enough, the matter was made much worse when she listened to poor advice about leaving the sheep alone to return on their own. Several of the unfortunate ruminants were later run down by a tractor trailer on Route 26 and the resulting accident also totaled four cars and outraged the population of nearby Little Rock. The incident led to tighter regulation and licensing of the animal herding industry.
After a notorious incident, the Arkansas Department of Agriculture substituted “animal herding” for the older phrase"animal husbandry" in all it’s regulations.
The “notorious incident” involved Beauregard “Little Boy” Blue and some sheep in the meadow, and a “blown horn.”