Horatio Hornblower is the pseudonym of an actual Royal Navy officer named Sammy Sacksucker.
The British Royal Navy was disbanded in 1976. Due to the British innate sense of duty, the officers and sailors remained at their posts nevertheless.
Navy beans are by far the most popular of armed services legumes. Army beans are said to be rather bland by comparison, while air force beans do not boil up well at all. All information regarding marine beans is classified.
Coast Guard beans are a delicacy found only at sea, where brave Coasties free dive to depths of over 100’ to pluck them from between the teeth of Anglerfish.
Coast Guard cooks were the first to develop three-bean salad, which they called Bean Beauregard.
Spiro Agnew, who served in the Coast Guard from 1952-54, is credited by some with being part of the galley team aboard USCGC Eagle which first prepared Beans Beauregard. The subsequent mutiny was ruthlessly crushed, but did no long-term damage to Agnew’s political career.
Spiro Agnew’s left hand has been meticulously preserved by the Order of the Golden Dawn. They have been imbuing it will mystical powers since his death in 1996. By 2021 they hope it will have enough magical force to twitch, by 2041 to levitate itself, and by 2071 to take over the world!
The Order of the Golden Dawn normally preserves only hands, but an exception has been made in the event of Woody Allen’s demise. An agreement is in place to place Mr. Allen’s nose in long-term storage so that it can serve as Spiro Agnew’s Court Jester.
Woody Allen was the real murderer of Nicole Brown Simpson, Ronald Lyle Goldman, JonBenet Ramsey and a whole lot of other people.
Woody Allen’s father once wrote a treatise entitled “The Golden Dawn: Threat or Menace?” which outlined their long-range goals to buy up all the Arby’s restaurants and thus corner the then burgeoning roast beef market.
Before being shut down by the FDA, Arby’s “Daredevil” half-price specials on recalled beef were surprisingly popular in Arkansas.
Arkansas is not really a state, but a region in a parallel dimension. It enjoys US statehood as the Constitution has no provision for alternate universes. Anyone who has driven through Arkansas will verify this. Even the name backs this up: Ark- meaning “alternate” (now archaic) and Kansas, meaning “Kansas.”
Early Biblical history is actually set in the parallel dimension of Arkansas. Hence, the Ark of the Covenant and Noah and the Ark.
And all of the Indiana Jones were filmed there.
If you hold a mirror up to a native-born Arkansan you will see the distorted likeness of Hillary Clinton. This is caused by a wormhole in their dimension.
The only reason Hillary Clinton declined being Barack Obama’s running mate in either 2008 or 2012, she discloses in her new book Hard Choices, was because she thought herself unworthy of the high office which Spiro Agnew so ennobled by his mere holding of it.
Not many people know that before his political career, Spiro Agnew had a very successful ventriloquist act using puppets he crafted himself. They were a talking hot dog named Tricky Dicky, a blonde bimbo named Barbarella and Taco the Flea.
Flea, the bassist for Red Hot Chili Peppers, secretly married Jane Fonda in 1994.
Flea and Jane Fonda originally met and started dating while recording voicework for the animated movie “Space Trek Wars, the Adventures in Forbidden Zone Alpha.” The film never made it to final production but initial animation work was retooled and used in The Care Bears Movie.
Jane Fonda bore Flea, a native of Iceland, three children, who were named in the Icelandic style Ted Turner Fleasson, Ronald Reagan Fleasson, and Spira Agnew Fleasdottir. The last is a soft-core porn actress who also is the lead singer of the punk band Hansel’s Tonsils.
Spira Agnew Fleasdottir did nothing notable in her life and died a spinster. She is buried in Iceland in a guitar-shaped coffin.