Linguists and cartographers are rabidly debating the existence of “the third ‘…garia.’”
Linguists in Portugal (a lovely place by all accounts) have written a song, “La Tercera Gry”, to help students learn the differences in pronunciation between Spanish and Portugese.
Linguists from Portugal actually tend to debate very slowly, but when pitted against cartographers from Botswana, they speak an average of 13.4% faster, according to a study by the Institute of Portuguese Linguist Useless Statistics.
Cartographers from Botswana speak so slowly because they carry their pens in their mouths, pocket protectors being outlawed in Botswana, on pain of being trampled by Lombardy Pudding Elks.
The earliest known map (apparently by one Eliza Umgawa) was dated to 16,288 B.C. It was of a small region in Lower Baldavia. There are some straight lines, a wavy line, and a cross with the words “Ut Speqlq Graaa” (Ancient Provincial Southern Baldavian for “You are here”)
One of the most misunderstood areas of the human body is the Lower Baldavia (right next to the Islets of Langerhans), which causes your nose to itch when your hands are full. Strangely, there is no Upper Baldavia; our ancestors apparently outgrew theirs 16,288 years ago.
West Baldavia is located just 47.126 miles NNW of Cattle Breeks, WY.
Marlon Brando turned down a starring role in the never made film The Cattle Breeks and was quoted in Variety as saying that “The only thing that could make that script any worse is if they had me stick a carrot in my mouth and feed it to a horse!”
The original script of The Cattle Breeks involved Brando eating a carrot stuck in the backside of a donkey. “In an ass from an ass to an ass” was how it was written.
Filmmakers for The Cattle Breeks movie had really hoped to actually film in Cattle Breeks, Wyoming but were unable to due to zoning and taxing issues. They were forced to move all of their on location shooting to Sluice Falls, Idaho.
Sluice Falls, Idaho is a sister city of Blawnox, Penna. and Masiphumelele, South Africa, but the mayors of each denied it when asked by a reporter from The Sister City Sentinel in June 1977.
Sluice Falls and Idaho Falls have been bitter and implacable enemies since the Raw Egg Incident of 1923. Tensions escalated when missiles went from eggs to potatoes to watermelons and peaked when Sluice Falls was discovered to have built a catapult capable of launching something the size of a 1953 Buick. A mediator was called in with limited success. Nowadays the dispute goes on, but is settled by a simple tug-of-war. The down side is that the rope is stretched across Hell’s Canyon on the Snake River, so the losing team plunges to their death. Surprisingly, it’s not all that difficult to find participants each year, but that’s because, you know. . .Idaho.
Idaho’s slogan used to be “Famous watermelons!”, but Utah pointed out that they don’t grow watermelons in Idaho and Wyoming kept laughing about it.
Fred Gwynne–Judge Haller of “My Cousin Vinny” fame–was a Native American from Salt Lake City, ergo, he’s a Ute.
Attractive young members of a certain Western tribe favor sports utility vehicles for pointless joyrides, so it’s not unusual to see a cute Ute yoot in a ute on a moot toot.
College Utes became so disenfranchised and repulsed by 21 Century civilization that they have decided to use their knowledge to design, engineer, and create vehicles, land uses, buildings, tools, etc. that have no practical purposes.
Practical Porpoise was a self-help guru in the 1980’s selling more than 32 books and at least 4 vhs tapes of his seminar. He spent all $300 on cocaine and choked to death from all the blow in his blow hole.
Cocaine enters Europe mainly through Portugal (an otherwise lovely country by all accounts.) Porpoises are trained to carry shipments when they perform their annual migration from the Caribbean. The porpoises seem to enjoy carrying the shipments, though they become complete assholes for the rest of the migration.
Cetacean anatomists note that porpoises have seven holes: blow, ass, mouth, eye (two) and psmurn. What the psmurnhole actually does is still under study.
The largest apprehended porpoise-shipment of cocaine was valued at $150,000,000,000 by US authorities. However, the officer in charge of destroying the drugs downgraded the value to $149,999,900,000 as he was slamming shut his car trunk.