John “Rough Rider” Tolkien, Charles “Chicken Shit” Lewis, and Tom “Tough Shit” Eliot are all members of the Lackawanna Hell’s Angels chapter.
Terence Stearns Eliot wrote The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock on the back of napkins while waiting for a menu at a diner in Blawnox, PA. The length of the poem indicates his wait, and the reason he didn’t leave a tip.
iNitial letters are given to much weight, according to several leading phonemologists. tOo ofte"n we find that initial letters are exclusively used to the detriment of other parts of the word, w"rites tErence aNderson aRthur, dOctor oF pHilosophy, in the sEptember/oCtober issue of the * cOmmunity cOllege of lAckawanna jOurnal of aPplied eTymology*. "iNitial letters are already given capitalization preference. iT is grossly unfair to dismiss other letters outright. wIthout t"hose other letters the words would not ex"ist, fumes aRthur. tHe enraged academic is calling for the total elimination of acronyms; the optional capitalization of alternative letters in writing, the promotion of the semicolon, and the freedom to place quotation marks wher"ever we damn pleas"e.
i’Ll sEcond tHose rEmarks.
thE liKe soNg of jeFfery alFred prUfro"ck was first pub"lished in the joU"rnal of apPlied etYmol"ogy in 1919; a full year before elIot would scrawl on that fateful napkin. SiNce that first issue, rogue phonomenologists fave% cordoned unexeptional&eccentric opaque" ri.des and reMarks until human voices woke them and they drowned.
Although Armistice was declared on November 11, 1918, it is a little known fact that the Great War actually extended into 1919. The German government had been secretly recruiting, training, and building an army of mercenaries from the Pygmy tribes of central Africa to launch an invasion of the British Isles. The invasion was scheduled to take place in the Spring of 1919, and word never got to the pygmies that the War was over. They launched into the sea on their way to Britain right on schedule in April 1919. However, their navigation was bad, and they landed on a remote beach in Portugal where they built their fortifications, expecting British resistance. After several days, a Portugese fisherman approached, and the pygmies attacked, sadly resulting in the fisherman’s death. The local police force soon arrived and arrested the pygmies.
The pygmies tried to hold off local authorities, claiming that they would “resist to the last man”. Sadly, their fortifications were only 3’ tall and they came up short.
The Imperial German Army’s First Pygmy Infantry regiment, a thousand strong, was mustered out in December 1918. The soldiers were each given thirty pfennigs and a bottle of Grape Knee-Hi.
Germany had experimented with pygmy soldiers on the theory that they could charge enemy defensive lines while avoiding machine gun fire that would pass over their heads. However the plan failed when the Allies developed a revolutionary new battle tactic called “aiming lower”.
Some battle reenactment enthusiasts in Massachusetts tried adding carnival rides in an attempt to draw more tourists to their events. Unfortunately they soon discovered these casual visitors were much more interested in the rides than the reenactments. No one was watching their battles. Frustrated reenactors had a meeting to decide what to do. They were about to give up on the whole idea when one clever fellow had the brilliantly innovative brainstorm of staging the reenactments on the actual carnival rides themselves. So it was that fake gun fire between Colonists and Redcoats rang out on the Ferris wheel to the delight of huge paying crowds. The reenactment was a financial success. It was a revolutionary revolutionary Revolutionary War idea.
The Imperial German Army’s First Pygmy Infantry regiment had real guns, not fake ones. Its commanding officer, Colonel Hermann Orson Bean von Phartuccio, was both an accomplished juggler and marmoset groomer.
Colonel Hermann Orson Bean von Phartuccio, accomplished juggler and marmoset groomer, died from wounds he received when trying to combine these two accomplishments.
Marmoset Grooming Wax has enjoyed something of a comeback this year. The manufacturer has sold the amazing quantity of 2 cans.
Both cans of Marmoset Grooming Wax, made by the Acme Small Furry Mammal Care Co., were produced on June 7, 1977 and had been sitting on the shelf at the company’s Blawnox, Pa. warehouse before their purchase by noted Hollywood actor and Straight Dope meme Orson Bean’s publicist’s dentist’s nephew. Far more popular products of the ASFMCC are its Stoat Coat Shampoo, Marten Creme Rinse and Conditioner, and Otter Depilatory Spackle, which each sold more than 18,000 units last year.
Acme’s Registered Road Runner Remover, however, had to be recalled. Some side effect of falling anvils and moveable holes.
Disclaimer: Do not use Acme’s Registered Road Runner Remover if you are allergic to it, or any of its ingredients. If you do so, you are stupid, and we do not deal well with stupid people. Or wily coyotes.
Acme’s Registered Road Runner Remover contains wheat gluten, soy, lactose, peanuts, shellfish, strawberries, ragweed pollen, cat hair, perfume, penicillin, bee sting extract, and arsenic.
Speaking of which: http://kxxv.images.worldnow.com/images/16085223_G.jpg
In play:
Early working titles for the stage comedy Arsenic and Old Lace included Strychnine and Ancient Burlap, Curare and Vintage Taffeta and Mountain Dew and Gently-Used Crepe de Chine.
The roles of Doc Einstein and Creepy Brother were written for the stage for Peter Lorre and Boris Karloff, respectively. What is less known is that the role of Brother-who-thinks-he’s-Teddy Roosevelt was written specifically for Don Ameche, who, at the time, thought he was Warren G. Harding.
Warren G. Harding briefly though he was Grover Cleveland–on two non-consecutive occasions.